re: health visitors comment

[mookle]

I dont think I am but help me get some perspective...(NB this is not about bottle vs formula) I have a 5 week old DD and previously suffered from PND (after my DS 9 yrs ago) so my HV came to see me today to administer the PN depression checklist thingy. I completed said checklist and she asked how I was... I said I was generally doing ok and that we had now brought in a couple of FF bottles per day (at her reccomendation)and that DD seemed "happier" taking FF than my breast milk. I am privately a little sad about this but have made my decision regarding FF (lots of reasons and this thread isnt about FF Vs BF so please dont get judgy on me)and feel its the best one for our circumstances...however in reply to my saying "DD seems happier having the bottle than breastfeeding, was very unsettled whilst feeding and I dont know why" HV replied "well she's made her choice, she's made her choice, she prefers bottles - she chooses bottles.

Now am I being slightly daft , but if I were suffering with PND or even just feeling a bit low, that comment would make thing a whole lot worse?? I was a little bit at this spin on things....AIBU?

[toddlerama]

YAB a little bit U. Would you have preferred her to suggest that your DD didn't prefer bottles?

[thumbwitch]

No, YANBU. Ignore her. She was being thoughtless.

Your DD will likely find bottle feeding easier as she doesn't have to work so hard for it - so that may be why she "prefers" it.

There is no reason why you can't continue mixed feeding so long as your DD will still suckle - and you can express if she doesn't.

Keep doing what you are doing :)

[mookle]

toddlerama no, would have preferred no value judgement in either direction really. It just made me feel a bit sad. Maybe IABU..

[Chil1234]

I think the HV is supporting your decision with that remark. That's about as good as it gets.

[suitejudyblue]

Difficult to say without hearing the way she said it but it sounds like she was trying to make you feel better in a "babies know what they want" kind of way.
I haven't explained that very well but I don't see this as a criticism of you or your choices - is that they way it came across to you ?
Congratulations on your DD.

[mookle]

Thanks thumbwitch..probably I am being a little sensitive but lack of sleep not helping!

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think you are being a little oversensitive. Possibly your HV was trying to reassure you that your baby is happy. Given that you are giving her some ff, then it is good news that your baby likes it. Think maybe your HV was a bit clumsy, which seems to be a common trait of HVs.

[jeminthecellar]

My view is that, as a professional, she might have thought out how she says things to you before opening her mouth.
However it would appear she didn't.

You have a new baby, don't let her thoughtless words get to you...try and imagine how you can look back in 5 or 10 years time...you may struggle to remember this

[mookle]

suitejudyblue - no not a criticism of my choices so much as it made me feel a little ummm, rejected I guess...silly I know, like DD doesnt like something fundamental, my breast milk....yes it does soiund a bit oversensitive when i write it down in black and white!

[MathsMadMummy]

yes I'd say your HV was probably just trying to reassure you. keep doing what you're doing, I mix-fed my DD and it worked out great.

congrats BTW :)

[mookle]

thanks mathsmadmummy, reassuring to hear mixed feeding can work.

[Chil1234]

How is it 'thoughtless'?

The OP said her baby was happier with bottles and didn't know why. The HV said the baby preferred bottles. Seems like a thoroughly logical conclusion from the information given. If the OP had said her baby slept better in a pram than a moses basket and didn't know whey the HV might have said 'she prefers her pram'

The OP said at the outset that they were privately feeling a little sad that they are not BF 100%. If the HV had said 'you shouldn't have introduced bottles but struggle on regardless' she'd have been a lot more upset.

[LibertyGibbet]

Aah now if you came across to her as you do on here, it sounds like the decision is made and you're firm on that. It is entirely possible- and this was my reading of it - to interpret that statement as supportive ie a 'the baby knows its own mind', 'the baby is obviously happy' type statement. You say you're privately sad, but she's not to know that is she.

I think as it's open to interpretation and you presented it as a decision made then it's not possible to state that it's a thoughtless comment.

If you're sad about it and want to change things back to no formula then that's still possible but only if you want to. It's your decision. I think sometimes when you're in two minds about something then you interpret comments negatively when they may be anything but negative.

[mookle]

LibertyGibbet, It was HV's suggestion to switch to mixed feeding as she said i looked very tired - she said was I desperate to carry on BFing and I said no, not desperate - did not discuss it beyond those exact words with her so its not that she is backing my decision IYSWIM. I went home after that discussion and privately made the decision to mixed feed. Then saw her again today ( 2 weeks after that conversation)

[thumbwitch]

To me, the HV's comment suggested that the OP might as well give up bf'ing as the baby had decided she preferred the bottle.

Given that the OP had just been tested for PND, having had it before, and that she had said she was concerned that the baby wasn't taking breast milk as happily as formula, the HV might have considered the possibility that there was an element of "feeling a failure" in the OP's situation, don't you think? And that confirming her "failure" might increase the chances of her having PND again.

But perhaps I'm too sensitive too.

[thumbwitch]

NB - I am in NO WAY suggesting that the OP is a failure at all.

[PosieParker]

I think she was probably trying to make you feel better, probably difficult to know what to say.

But you have made your choice and your DD seems to agree which is great for you!!

[mookle]

Thanks thumbwitch - that sums up how I feel about it really - I dont think PND is closing in again (at least I hope not!!) but I am a little emotional still and it just immediately made me feel ...rejected i.e. a bit of a failure. I just wondered if that was me or if others thought I was being a bit daft really!

[LibertyGibbet]

The thing is, it's hard to know what else she could have said. You say you made the decision to mixed feed yourself (though she suggested it) and you are clear in your conviction. You tell her that the baby prefers the bottle to the breast. She says that's because the baby prefers the bottle to the breast.

I know how hard it is in the early days. I know a throwaway comment about dd's delivery for example or inability to sleep for more than 10 minutes meant that I felt like an utter failure. But with time and perspective I know that those feelings came from me.

It is not a rejection of you. Bottles are easier to get milk from than a breast and when they're used to the quick supply from a bottle, working hard at the breast is probably a little frustrating for them. There is no reason why you cannot persevere with mixed feeding. Is it helping with getting some sleep? Fatigue makes everything so much worse.

[thumbwitch]

She could have said what I did, Libberty (not that I'm setting myself up to be some great guru or anything) - that OP's DD probably finds it easier to drink from the bottle than the breast. She could have said it in several other ways that weren't so "oh well there you go then, she prefers the bottle, that's her choice made, dunno why you're continuing to bother with the boob tbh". She could have thought it through a little better.

[LibertyGibbet]

Yes, of course there are many, many ways in which she could have thought it through and said it differently. But, allowing for tone, actual words used, progress of discussion, manner, expression, body language etc it might have been a v positive statement and she may have thought that she was being reassuring. Her intentions may have been good. And she may have said something about the bottle being easier to a different woman on a different day and she hears it as 'you should have worked harder'. It's v difficult I think sometimes to say anything right when the topic is so emotive.

I know I've had a friend who tried and tried to bf through myriad problems, resulting in failure to thrive. Introduction of formula has turned the situation round (after bfing counsellors, galactagogues, skin to skin, hourly feeding and no improvement). I know I've tried to be supportive and probably said things like 'well she knows what she needs and she's clearly thriving now, how brilliantly you've done' etc. I hate to think that my friend has gone away and felt unsupported. Sometimes, you get it wrong.

I know it's all pretty irrelevant really as if you feel unsupported and criticised, then you feel that way and the best way is to find ways to turn that around and to find good, comforting support elsewhere.

I'm not saying the hv was right or wrong really. Just trying to say that it might not have been unfeeling, thoughtless or critical and in no way should the op feel that it's general consensus.

[mistlethrush]

You're not a failure though Mookle - for your baby its the easy option - its hard work sometimes bf for them - which is why it often takes longer, certainly at this sort of age.

[mookle]

thanks mistlethrush

[MerryMarigold]

Sounds like HV is quite pro FF, and wanted you to feel supported in your decision. I think she may have made it all worse if she explained that it's easier to take the bottle, so not surprising the baby prefers it etc. or made a lot of encouraging noises about keeping up the breastfeeds but slightly ignored the FF's, would OP not have felt worse? I think she was being v supportive tbh.

I agree that when you're tired plus had your life turned upside down by a small baby, that you can be over sensitive. But (with the benefit of my babies being 20 months), I think you are being a bit over sensitive OP. It's fine to be sensitive, though. You don't need to feel bad about that because that is your condition right now, and in another 18 months you can come on here and tell someone else the same thing!

[mookle]

thank merrymarigold. Yes I think she is a bit pro FF and when I wrote it down in black and white it did sound a bit over sensitive - however, I do a similar "caring" professional role (not nursing) and not sure its somthing I would have said - but then again we all have our off days! I think its all come from a background of being a bit miffed at how un-engaged (not even sure thats a real word but you get what I men!!)she appears on the two occaisions Ive seen her since DD was born, so that may be skewing my perception of her comments! She cant wait to get out the door when she is here! Ah well, thanks for all the comments and opinions, I genuinly appreciate it