Mumsnet Talk

A woman on the other forum asked advise on what to do, because the mother of her kids biological sibling isn't going to tell him he is adopted.
And so people leap in with support....and then another poster says they haven't told their children because nothing good can come of it. Her kids are school age. Another poster agrees and says they aren't planning to tell their kids either!!

WHY WHY WHY do people still DO this in this day and age?? For God's sake, what good can come out of NOT telling them


Okay, rant over. I did post back. But I just don't understand. Poor kids.
My mood tonight is not good anyway, because DD2 is in a state right now, after a really bad week. I really needed to get this out. Thanks for listening x

I feel so much better having posted that - anyone else want to add a rant of their own?

How did they ever get approved to adopt in the first place if they are so utterly clueless about the needs of the children?

(sorry, am not normally on the Adoptions board but happened to click on this thread)

I agree with you lilka, its just storing up trouble for teh future

Sorry to hear youve had such a bad week. Whats DD been up to ( or shouldnt i ask)?

I have heard this on a training day and I was really . Particularly as the child was an overseas/interacial adoptee.

A very bright little lad too. Did his parent not think he was going to wonder?!

Kristina - She's been so angry and upset all week. I've tried talking gently to her, tried to work out where it's coming from, but she either won't or she can't tell me what's wrong. Tonight I've had a massive two hour tantrum, several sharp things thrown at my head and have been informed in no uncertain terms that everything wrong in her life is MY fault
Today cannot end fast enough

Poor kiddies

should say SHE's had a tantrum, not me....

Maybe thats where you are going wrong Lilka!

Sorry you're having a shit week.

My aunt was told in an arument when she was 11 about her adoption. The whole family bought into this story and were understandably horrified but my aunt told me after I had adopted DS that she had known for some time before that because her (very close) cousin told her... becasue all the adults and half the town knew! Her comment to me "did they really think that no-one was ever going to mention it!" But at least my grandparetns had the excuse that it was the 50's.

I find it inredible in this day and age that people don;t plan to tell their children, really incredible. Are they making everyone who knows sign a pact in their own blood?!

And how can they not tell a child such a major thing about their own life I really object to the idea that a parent can choose to keep such fundamental information from their child. It isn't their secret to keep.

Ah Lilka, sorry about your day.

I'm shocked by those parents, too. Someone in my extended family was born as a result of an extra-marital liaison. Her mother's dh accepted her as his own (all credit to him) but she was raised with that kept a secret. But the rest of us knew. EVERYONE knew - except her. Even as a child I knew not to say anything, but of course in the end somebody took it upon themselves to tell her the truth. Amazing that didn't happen till she was a young adult, really. But it was an appalling thing to happen.

Times have changed and these days there's little excuse for thinking it's in the child's best interests to keep them in ignorance. But I know a little girl who is currently being raised with no idea that Daddy is actually her biological stepfather. She is nearing adolescence - the day will come fairly soon when she will see her birth certificate and know. Or she will start asking why there are photos of Daddy with her baby siblings but none of him with her. I am staggered that the parents think they can get away with keeping the truth from her.

Oh Great. I went upstairs to find DD2 because THOUGHT she had calmed down. But no. Not happy just with shouting at me, she decided to get a bowl of water and throw it over my bed and bedside table. My ipod won't turn on What did I do?? She tried to hit me when I went into her room

urghh

Yeah you are right Kew - do you think it's too late to backtrack now and tell her all this adoption stuff is just in the imagination??

Oh Lilka

Its not much help, but if you put the ipod in a bowl of uncooked rice - it might draw all the water out - leave it for at least 12 hours - and you never know - it might work again!

I don't think my Ipod can be saved at this point but did putting it in rice work for you BB?

She hasn't been much better today and she seems really overwhelmed with everything. She has a meltdown with every tiny request and burst into tears several times for seemingly no reason

I've decided to 'lockdown'. In with the strict routine and structure and visual timetables, keep her close and parent her at her emotional level, not her actual age. Well, it worked about 6/7 months ago, so fingers crossed it works this time as well

Thank you hester and BB. I do feel a but better today, as I got a very psitive comment from DS teacher about his behaviour. The little things make such a difference

And how is dd1, Lilka?

She's doing very well at the moment hester A bit of morning sickness but she says otherwise everythings fine. She's having her first scan soon and she and SIL are very excited. I can't wait to see the pictures!

When we talked about the baby a few days ago, DS said "will the baby get adopted" I explained no, but I'm surprised because we've talked a lot already about the baby and we've discussed the 'not everyone is adopted' think when his teacher was pregnant. Maybe hasn't fully sunk in yet?

How are your DD's doing?

Re ipod DONT try to turn it on

Leave it in the bolw of rice in a warm place for 48 hours

There is a good chance its ok , as long as you dont turn it in when its wet

No advice on what to do with dd. If only a bowl of rice would fix whta has hapened to her.......

Pretty good, thanks. We had a nasty episode last week when they were both fighting to get on my lap, and it descended into a ruck, ending with dd1 shouting at dd2, "She's not your mum, she's my mum! Go back to your own mum!" Poor dd2 was yelling, "My mum, my mum!" (she's only 2) and dp was very angry with dd1 and it was all ghastly.

It was going to happen, wasn't it? Actually, I think we're lucky it took over a year to happen. I took dd1 upstairs and read the riot act: said that it's natural to sometimes feel jealous and upset and if she feels she's not getting enough attention she must tell me and we'll see what we can do. But it's never, ever ok in our family to tell someone they don't belong. I asked her to imagine how that would feel for dd2.

She apologised, and was very subdued. I've noticed this week she's been telling dd2 how lovely she is, that she's the best sister in the world etc. So I think her conscience is pricked. But it's going to happen again, isn't it? I feel sick when I think about it.

Anyway, today they've been very sweet. After dinner I allowed them both one sweet and then we started doing some drawing. Suddenly dd2 popped up at my side, grabbed the remaining sweets and stuffed about 7 of them in her mouth, chewing furiously with big hamster cheeks. I gaped at her and dd1 cried, "dd1, I'm so PROUD of you! You're becoming such a clever girl! Keep it up!" It was very naughty, obviously, but I do love it when they gang up on us like a terrible twosome. They do love each other hugely.

Okay, I've put my Ipod in a bowl of rice now. Thanks BB and Kristina (but I did try to turn it on several times yesterday so I hope that hasn't already buggered it up completely)

hester - I've no experience with that, but ouch poor you, it must have been very hard to hear DD say that. at the sweets.

I've started 'lockdown' so I might be posting less as I have DD2 in the same room as me most of the time, trying to keep her busy doing something that doesn't involve hurting me and DS. Who was frightened by her and so he's being very clingy this morning, bless him

Onwards and Upwards.....

Lilka - it did work for our thermostat which wasn't working at all after the builders stripped wallpaper in the room and it was sodden. I know you are not meant to try and turn these things on when they are still wet - but I have to admit i did - it didnt' work straight away but after hours in the rice it did.

Best of luck with your dd - I think what you are doing is amazing!

Sorry you are having such a shit week .

About the op - I can't understand in this day and age how anyone can think that secrecy is a good idea. Though I do know my dad thinks ds1 would have been better not knowing because he has found being adopted so hurtful, and feels very left out of the family . But I think (hope) that if he couldn't hang his difference on his adoption he would find something else to blame and some other way to be different. I also can't imagine the fallout if he discovered we were lying.

I have a friend who found out when she was 19. We were in college, and she went apeshit, left home, didn't speak to her parents for years. It was awful.

Hester, I remember the day that ds2 (who was about four at the time) curled up on my knee and said "you love me best because your my real mum". This followed a visit from dh's lovely sister, who insisted on referring to ds2 as "your miracle baby" at every opportunity.

I probably didn't react well. I informed him (and ds1 and dd who had overheard), that actually I had chosen to get them, and he was a bit of an accident and that I had no choice but to keep him. Which was probably completely the wrong thing to say.

It gave me a fright, and I talked quite a bit about adoption to the three of them for a while after that, just to try to get it all back in balance.

Mary, i cant decide if its worse to be a miracle baby ( what, like Jesus? ) or the boring ordinary unimportant sibling of a miracle

I know, either way it wasn't sil's place to comment .

When he was little I got sooooo sick of people saying "and which one is yours?" as if the other two weren't . Especially dh's family, who definitely don't think of my older two as being in any way related to them (which is why I never see them any more).

I had to fill in some forms the other day for a national survey they are doing in Ireland. I got really cross with the interviewer, and only for the fact that she was a nice woman, only doing her job, I would have told her to fuck off. The survey was done on ds2, and I had to fill in the relationship between him and the other family members.

The boxes to be ticked were parent, adoptive parent, sibling, adoptive sibling etc etc.

I don't mind filling in a box saying I am ds and dd's adoptive parent. I don't much like filling in that they are my adopted child, but I do it because it is factually correct. But I really object to ticking a box saying that they are ds2's adoptive siblings. Because they aren't. He didn't adopt them. Legally they are his siblings, full stop.

I have written to complain, but I doubt whether anyone not in my position will understand.

It's like when complete strangers ask me if ds1 and dd are "really brother and sister". I know they mean biologically (which they aren't), but I always answer "yes, of course", because they are really brother and sister, and ds2 is really their brother.

People are so fucking stupid about it.

<<Sorry Lilka, rant over >>

Maryz, whenever I read your posts about your SIL, I get a strange ringing sound in my ears and a red mist descends. I really must see my GP about it.

As I have one black child and one white, people will always and forever assume that they are nOT biologically related. Plus, of course, they have one black and one white parent, both women. So people will always see us as parallel parenting, and our children will always have to explain themselves and their relationship. I do feel very guilty about that, while also thinking we have given them something rather special.