Returning to study with four month baby

[BettyFriedansLoveChild]

I'm currently on maternity leave from a full time, funded PhD. I was planning on taking six months maternity leave (which is funded by my research board), but just two months in I am finding myself desperate to get back to my thesis as soon as I can. I am managing to do bits of reading etc whilst feeding, and my partner is very good at looking after DD whilst I do a couple of hours writing, but it's just not enough. I have tried working when she naps, but its never long enough for a sustained period of concentration. Would I be unreasonable put DD in a nursery two days per week from four months (going up to four days per week at six months when my leave period is up) so that I can carry on with my work?

I was going to post this in AIBU, but want validation more than anything else, so have moved it to feminism. I guess that the problem is that I am feeling guilty about wanting time away from her, yet my partner (who absolutely adores her) doesn't feel at all guilty about going out to work everyday. If he doesn't, why should I?

[NicknameTaken]

Nah, don't feel bad. You'll enjoy your time with her a lot more if you've put in a few hours on your thesis - no resentment, not finding that your mind is partly somewhere else.

And seriously, a 4-month old doesn't mind who is cuddling, feeding and changing it, once someone is doing it.

My DD went into part-time nursery at 14 weeks, and didn't turn a hair (not that she'd many to turn).

By US standards, you'd be considered to have a luxuriously long maternity leave already!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Congratulations on your baby.

I'm not really in a position to have an opinion but I can certainly do the validation/cheerleading bit.

It sounds like a great idea to me - if it suits you and you can afford it, why not? My DB and SIL were in a similar position (post doc not PhD but very similar working pattern) and it seems as if it's working really well.

I guess - being the feminism board - one thing I did wonder is, can your partner not look after her for more than a couple of hours?

[slug]

I went back to work part time after 3 months, despite having planned on a year's maternity leave. I just couldn't take the monotony of early parenthood. I didn't put DD in a nursery, instead I utilised the doting grandparents. It's done her no harm at all.

[dreamingbohemian]

I don't think it's unreasonable. I might see how you feel in 2 months though. I also had DS during PhD and at 2 months I think I was really missing my studies, but 4 months is such a jolly time with a baby and I really enjoyed just chilling out with him and doing some work in the evenings and weekends.

But definitely don't feel guilty!

What stage of the phd are you in?


Hope things going well! Almost done?

[skrumle]

don't feel guilty. aside from anything else the current length of mat leave is pretty new - i had to go back to work when DD was 13weeks old cause my mat leave was up...

[BettyFriedansLoveChild]

Thanks everyone! - that's just what I wanted to hear. In response to a few of your questions:

LDR - my partner has had her for a max of four or fine hours so far - we're working up to a full day, but he works full time and has no desire to cut back (can't say I blame him), so that really only gives me evenings and weekends. He does accept that it is unfair that it's me who has to take time off with her simply because I'm female, but unfortunately that's just a reflection of the way maternity / paternity rights are structured at the moment.

dreamingbohemian - I'm almost exactly halfway through; I will have eighteen months to go by the time I finish maternity leave. I'm hoping to go into academia afterwards, so am very conscious of the need to carry on with lining up teaching experience, conferences, publishing, networking etc whilst on leave.

[AliceHurled]

Do what makes sense for you. You're still a person with your own needs too. Ignore any crap designed to make you feel guilty. I have no expertise re the 4 month old bit, but women have been doing things other than focusing just on their baby across time. The idea of having time just for that is pretty recent and luxurious. So yay, go for it

And as we're on the feminist board, make sure you keep that partner in check. Sounds like a potentially dodgy attitude there, its unfair but oh well. Of course I'm only reading a tiny part of the story, but keep an eye on it.

[dreamingbohemian]

Yes, what Alice said -- sorry for the tangent, but you had definitely better get your DH up to speed and more willing to take time off if you are planning to do conferences and such.

It's not about whether he has a desire to cut back -- both of your careers are equally important, I hope he will respect the fact that sometimes he will need to make a little sacrifice for your sake.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

What dreaming said. (And to dreaming Going well here - you?).

I don't quite follow - sorry.

If you get evenings and weekends, how come he doesn't do a full day? Or do you mean you're hoping eventually to get evenings and weekends?

I'm not trying to be mean or nosy (no need to reply if you don't need), it's just I'm reading Wifework atm and the author's rhetoric is right on the tip of my tongue!

[SweetTheSting]

Not at all unreasonable! And you will still see plenty of your baby if you are talking about two days a week to start with anyway. Mine both went 3 days a week from five months and all was fine.

[dreamingbohemian]

Glad to hear it LRD! Three weeks from final draft here (yelp!)

I took the OP to mean her DH is up to doing 5 hours on the weekend.

Obviously you have time but you should start thinking now about what you'll do if you have a two-day conference somewhere.

[Yeahthatsnotgonnahappen]

I'd go for it - I went back to work at 6/12 having torn my hair out for the last six weeks. If I had been physically better I would have gone back earlier. My DS went to a childminder - is that an option? I felt for me it provided a bit more home environment for my DS and whenever I visitied the nurseries in my area I didn't feel as confident as when I went to visit CMs. This idea that all mothers want to be at home really gets my goat - i had literal shocked faces at me coming back to work as many people were all to keen to point out to me that "he's still so small"!

Can I ask why you're working up to a full day of your DH looking after your DC? I've never understood that but it might just be a reflection of my DH who took to looking after our DS straight away and gets very riled when people comment that it's 'good of him' to look after DS so much - it's his son afterall too :)

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Crikey! Good luck with those three weeks.

My issue is (and forgive me OP, this really is pure Wifework and I may be being over-zealous):

The OP says she gets 'evenings and weekends'. Now, by my reckoning, that's from something like, say, 6pm Friday to 7am Monday. Certainly, 'evenings and weekends' would give her at least two days where she could work nine to five.

That's not five hours.

I'm not saying the OP should feel like working from Friday night onwards, or that it'd be terribly healthy for her or her DH to take that time literally as 'hers'. What I'm interested in is the way she phrases this and the way there's a pretty big discrepancy between the two times she gives.

If you're telling yourself 'I do my PhD on evenings and weekends', but you actually only get a couple of hours here and there plus five hours on a weekend, you're setting yourself up to feel bad about what you achieve. You're really not getting much time at all here.

[dreamingbohemian]

Thanks!

Yes I agree on the 5 hours, it's not that long.

I am actually curious as to why he can do 5 hours and not 8 hours. I mean, it's just 3 more hours of the same! At 2 months babies are very repetitive.

OP you can tell us to pipe down btw

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I should certainly pipe down, I'm tempting karma to offload the mother of all crises on me if/when I reproduce.

I am full of admiration for anyone who is doing more-or-less fulltime care for a newborn. I see it, and I get gobsmacked, and I back away fast!

[dreamingbohemian]

LRD -- honestly, the reality is so much less scary than what you think it will be like

It is really hard combing PHD with baby though! You need a very supportive spouse, hence my perhaps inappropriate questioning of the OP.

[blackcurrants]

OP as a mother who went back to teaching and research when her baby was less than 2 months old (usa, no paid mat leave) you have my blessing to go back to work! I was a zombie and I envy you your drive and clarity of mind,.work while the working is good! DS didnt really have much of a sense who was who, or start preferring one doting carer from another, until much later, and by then he was securely bonded to his carers so happy as a clam. Also, read wifework!

[madwomanintheattic]

Definitely use a nursery.

And another small voice that is slightly baffled about your current status quo. Right from v tiny I would leave dh with the 1,2 and then 3 (complete with added disability) children from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon at least twice a month whilst I flew off for work. It gave him a no-frills insight into the life of a sahm, and he is more than capable. I first did it when dd1 was about 3mos, although it was a bit of a feat to juggle expressing etc. there were occasional weekends where he had to work (he was obv working ft, but as he was military we didn't really get the option of altering his hours) so I flew her with me and left her at the in-laws during the day, and then slept there at night. That wasn't possible with 2 or 3 (flights too expensive lol), but we had moved countries by then and he was in a different job with no weekend working, so it was much easier. (for me, anyway )

Just mentioning this to let you know how we worked it out really. With one baby there is no reason at all why you shoudn't cope admirably using alternative childcare, but do just leave the baby with dh as an everyday occurrence and get on with your life. I have no desire why his 'desire' comes into the equation, really. He's a functioning adult with an equal responsibility to his child. I understand perfectly the ft work scenario, but am a bit baffled by the 5 hours thing. Plenty of hours outside his ft work for him to be pulling his weight.

[madwomanintheattic]

[Ephiny]

I will likely end up doing the same thing, as the research council I'm funded by only offers 4 months mat leave anyway. I don't think there's any need at all to feel guilty. I can understand feeling reluctant to be away from your little baby, or maybe have conflicted feelings or worries about the logistics/practicalities of it - but guilt doesn't make sense to me - as you say, your partner doesn't feel guilty about going to work!

Do you consider that you're doing something wrong? Do you think your child won't be safe or happy or well-cared for in the nursery? What exactly are you guilty of here?

[BettyFriedansLoveChild]

Wow, thanks for all the replies! Think I need to defend my partner here - our baby is only six weeks old (I was rounding up to two months), so it has only been the weekend just gone that I have tried leaving the house and going to the library for the morning. It was only five hours because I had only managed to express one feed - I'm working on building up supplies for subsequent weekends. We were both expecting me to take a full six months off, so I think we're still trying to work out the best plan to support me returning to study earlier.

[messyisthenewtidy]

OP, if you have the good fortune to have a worklife that you really enjoy, then go for it! It will be better for both you and your baby in the long run, if you are happy and fulfilled.

Good luck!

[dreamingbohemian]

Ah okay, sorry to jump to suspicions!

Do have a think about what you'll do for conferences, evening seminars, etc. though. If you're halfway done you should have more of these coming up soon. Good luck!

[madwomanintheattic]

oh bless you.

food for thought, anyway!