How to deal with family sabotaging my diet.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

I'm trying to lose a bit of weight & generally tone up/improve my health. I'm near the top of the healthy BMI range for my height. However I feel that my efforts are being undermined by PILs' & occasionally DH's "gifts" of unhealthy food etc which I am expected to be grateful for. If I decline the gifts I am being ungrateful, if I accept them they keep bringing them. (The unsuitable gifts are not limited to food but at least the other stuff doesn't make me fat - it does clutter my house up though.)

I have in the past, struggled with ED, including bulimia. DH is aware of this, PILs don't know. I have been clear with all of them, on many occasions, that I am trying to be healthy, I would prefer (for example) a small bar of good quality dark chocolate as opposed to a big box of cheaper chocolate. I have often binned food gifts as I can't bear to have them in the house, I know I would have given in & it's a slippery slope.

It probably doesn't help that they are none of them slim - perhaps they feel that as I have less of a weight problem/less health issues than them, that my concerns are not valid? In which case, how do I frame it? If they were to find out about the ED I don't know what they would think but I don't imagine they would be more supportive of my battle to keep to a healthy diet & not go back to how I used to be.

[SoonToBeMrsB]

It's a tricky one. Because your PIL don't know, they might not be doing it maliciously. My family are all overweight but my granny is aghast if you say no to a full sit-down dinner when you pop in for a visit, and will keep pestering you to at least have a biscuit/bit of cake/piece of fruit - even a slice of toast or bowl of cornflakes at all hours of the day! she really doesn't mean to be a feeder, it's just how she cares for people.

Your DH, however, needs a strong word. He knows how you've struggled in the past, he knows that you are making an effort to be healthy and guilting you for not accepting unhealthy (and unwanted!) gifts isn't on. My DP was the same, he'd bring home my favourite cakes and then whine about how he'd bought them especially for me when I declined. It's manipulative and needs to be set straight. I was very overweight when we first got together and he has seen my struggle with weight loss and binge eating disorder so thankfully he is much better now, he rarely brings junk into the house but it did take a while to get through to him that there are other ways of being kind and thoughtful.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

With your PILs, accept graciously and then re-gift.

I can understand why you are upset but your personal history is making this seem more loaded than it is and causing you to over-analyse. It doesn't seem deliberate on their part. Instead it seems to be one of the ways they show they care - by buying gifts.

You can't change how they act. You can only change your response to it. Try to see beyond the actual gift to the sentiment which shows they were thinking of you and wanted to buy you something. Thank them, and then bin it or re-gift it.

As for your DH, I think you need to have a frank and honest conversation. He may think you deserve an occasional treat. He may have concerns that you are slipping back into an ED. He may be a feeder His gift buying might be about you, but equally it might not (especially if he has grown up in a family where you buy chocolates as a way of showing you care).

I am sympathetic. My DH regularly buys me high calorie gifts when I'm eating healthily but I don't feel obliged to eat them. I thank him, point out it was a nice but misguided thought and move on.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

Thank you. I am aware I am probably overthinking it. It wouldn't feel so galling if MIL's diets hadn't all been accompanied by a strict instruction to everyone, not to give/offer any food. I always respected this - I don't understand why they can't extend me the same curtesy.

And DH is funny about food. He can't make a decision but won't accept my suggestions. I try to meal plan but he often rejects the planned meal for that night (not that he knows what he does want). And he's a nightmare when he's hungry. It all just feels like so much effort.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

I don't understand why they can't extend me the same curtesy.
Ah, this is probably part of the problem. You're someone who respects people's boundaries and, as a family, they seem to prefer pushing other's boundaries. That is tiring and frustrating! and not just in relation to food I don't think you can change that about them.

As for DH, he sounds like hard work around food. Can you just leave him to feed himself? My DH was like that. I never knew if he would want to eat or not, when he would want to eat, what he would eat. In the end, I stopped trying. I ensure the fridge is stocked. If he is here when I'm cooking then I'll offer to cook some for him too but if he says 'no' then he's responsible for feeding himself. We do still eat together sometimes but it's not an effort now.

[SoonToBeMrsB]

I second leaving your DH to his own devices. My DP is like a garbage disposal but the issue is that we are on opposite schedules. I work 9-5, he works 7-3. My meals are spaced out at 8, 1 and 7 whereas he skips breakfast, stuffs himself when he gets home at 3.30 and then doesn't want whatever I've made at 7. He makes himself something to eat around 9pm. It works better as he gets what he wants and my cooking doesn't go to waste.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

Mostly, I do leave DH to his own devices re food. I make the meal & I more or less stick to it. Whether he does is up to him. I ensure that most of the meals are of the sort that are quick to cook, or will be good for leftovers, or will freeze. Frequently, he won't have dinner as he's scoffed half a pack of biscuits or similar. Then complains later that he's hungry, spurns what I prepared for dinner, & eats the things that were supposed to be for his lunch the next day.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

I make the meal plan.

[MurielWoods]

It sounds as if your DH has issues around food TBH.

Leave him to his own devices, he should be perfectly capable of preparing his own meals and don't let him guilt you into eating crap when you don't want to.

[TelephoneIgnoringMachine]

Thank - I always feel guilty if I don't make something for DH. I don't know whay, he's perfectly capable. I am going to have (another) discussion with DH about it & ask him to back me up a bit more with his parents.