baby means change of plans

[broodysnoopstie]

We have planned a wedding for July next year. A largeish affair 120 for day 160 for evening. Church ceremony, reception in a hotel in Surrey close to where we live. Numbers high due to DPs very large family and equally large group of friends he is 10 years older and lived all over the uk. Most of his friends and family would be travelling from Scotland and also some from Australia and Canada.. we chose the more expensive option of hotel to make sure location was easy to get to and accommodation was easy for all who are travelling. (All my family and friends are London/Surrey based) We have now discovered we are expecting a baby in January. For me this changes everything. I don't want to spend all my savings on a wedding when we have a baby on the way, and I won't have much money coming in on maternity so they won't be easily replaced. We are also renting and I'd rather put my savings into a deposit on a house. Dp would be contributing money too but he has only a 1/3 of what I do saved so it would be mostly me paying. I still REALLY want to get married but think we should make it a small ceremony/reception with a large party at another time. If I had just my direct family and very best friends it would be around 15 people he says he can't get his guest numbers down to anything like that.. He agrees have a small wedding and have a party or possibly 2 one in England one in Scotland but doesn't have any suggestion as to how we organise it or how he chooses who to invite to ceremony or indeed any suggestions at all. He says just family then no one gets offended but I want my closest friends there. He says then all of his would be missing out.. we seem to be going around in circles and not getting anywhere fast. Does anyone have any advice or bright ideas? Apologies for long rambling post and thanks for reading.

[CalamitouslyWrong]

Have you invited anyone yet?

[broodysnoopstie]

No we had planned to not send invites until Jan. Although we have told majority of people when it was going to be.. In a casual save the date. (haven't actually sent save dates)

[CalamitouslyWrong]

I guess then I'd be trying to judge whether they'll feel 'uninvited' if you change your plans. They might not be your friends and family, but I'm pretty sure your DP doesn't want his friends and family thinking they've been uninvited.

It's one thing to never be invited at all, but another to be told you are being invited (and to 'save the date') and then not to be. Just think about the responses to an AIBU on that theme would be.

[addictedtosugar]

Have people already bought plane tickets??? Would you keep the date the same??
How much deposit would you loose on your current plans?

Could you scale back the current plans in the current location?

Realistically, how many people will travel? Although we decided we should invite several people, but assumed they wouldn't buy the trans contental plane ticket, and they did, putting us right at the top of our numbers (we factored in some people declining!)

How many of his friends have you met / spoken to? Is one way to cut down numbers only include people the other partner has heard of, so if he wants to invite Joe, who he shared a flat with, but actually all they do is send a christmas card each year, they come off the list?

Congrats - your going to be very busy next year!

[addictedtosugar]

Very good point by Calamitously

[broodysnoopstie]

I totally understand that. lol I'm terrified of that thread! Those people who we have told are his close family so would definitely be invited. It's his many cousins who he never sees and all his friends who swell the numbers. My issue is he says it's fair enough that the baby is my priority now and happy for me to change our plans but he doesn't contribute any ideas as to how to go about it. He's good at saying no to my suggestions but never has any alternatives. I'm expected to research plan book everything but seeing as it's his guests and indeed his lack of funds that are the issue I need some input. I'm just sort of out of ideas as to how to go about changing it and keep me him and our family /friends happy! Thanks for your reply

[broodysnoopstie]

addicted no no one has bought tickets. Yes keep date the same we've only put deposit on hotel so would loose that if we changed plans.

Good point about expecting people to decline but then they surprise you and are coming.. because all the people who live very far away are close family we are confident they will definitely travel

[broodysnoopstie]

Yes lots of friends and indeed a lot of family cousins etc I've never met and some even heard of before guest lists were being discussed. Good tip as a starting point to try and encourage him to consider taking some people off the list.

I suggested scaling back plans in current venue but he says then it will feel like people are missing out on wedding rather than us having a small different wedding they couldn't come too... if you see what I mean.

[AnguaResurgam]

Congratulations on your PG.

If you're due in January, you must be about 4 months now and so OK to tell people?

Because I think you're going to need to send a mass email to all to whom you have mentioned the wedding announcing the PG and saying that you might (keep it all in the conditional tense for now) be making changes to the original wedding plan.

If you told them before you knew you were PG, those you gave a specific timings to have had quite a lot of time in which to plan flights/leave from work etc. You need to add to the emails to them to ask if how far anyone has got in their travel admin, as you are trying to work out the best plan from a number of options.

See what sort of responses you get, and take it from there.

[Notso]

You are coming across as though you have an issue with him not contributing as much financially as you are. If that is the case maybe he feels he doesn't get as much of a say as you so is not keen to come up with anything.
Surely the wedding is for both of you it shouldn't matter who pays for what.

If I were you I would just get married with two witnesses then have a big party for everyone else. I wish that is what I had done.

[broodysnoopstie]

Angua Thank you that's a brilliant suggestion. Yes we have just had our scan so will be telling people. I will definitely do that.

I'm disappointed I'm coming across like that. My issue isn't with me spending more money than him as frankly it's all the same money now we are getting married and having a baby. My issue is regardless of if it is my money/his money/our money it is still a LOT of money which I think should be being spent on our baby and our home not our wedding. (if I could have it all I would but who can afford a big wedding a baby and an house all at the same time!) My main frustration and reason for ask for help on here is not his lack of input financially but rather his lack of input ideas wise as to how to change it and or downscale.

registry office with witnesses is an option but in an ideal world there would be something inbetween the two.

[Notso]

Sorry

You need to think about how much you want to spend on the wedding first and foremost and take it from there.

[broodysnoopstie]

You know what Notso. You are totally right. That's a very simple starting point that we can both agree on. Thank you I think I've just been overwhelmed by everything in my head I didn't even think of that! thanks!

[Notso]

It is hard planning a wedding and trying to please everyone, no doubt harder when you add having a baby into the equation.
Congratulations for both baby and wedding and I hope you get it all sorted and enjoy your day with a VIP guest in the form of a squishy baby

[broodysnoopstie]

Thank you. I am very lucky! 2015 will be an exciting year!