Upset Chief Bridesmaid

(38 Posts)
ThinkyPantsWorryWort Sat 08-Feb-14 15:32:01

Please help. How do I make my Chief Bridesmaid and life long friend feel ok with the fact that I picked my wedding dress without her present?

It wasn't intentional, she lives a long way away so I was attempting to narrow down the choices and range of places she would have to visit with me when she arrived.

Then I put 'my' dress on, it fitted perfectly. I knew before I looked in the mirror. . . thought about it long and hard over lunch (the shop agreed to hold) and in the end I 'had' to go back for it. They couldn't guarantee being able to order it is as it wasn't new stock. The only ones available to order were in such teeny sizes they would never have gone near me.

One very difficult phone-call later and it is clear that the process of being there when I was choosing was of great importance. She was aware that I was going shopping to narrow it down to ease our time together so that wasn't a surprise.

What can I do? Not a lot is the answer I have come to, but hoping the wise people of Mumsnet can help me out!

Sorry she's upset that you picked your own wedding dress?

Honeysweet Sat 08-Feb-14 15:34:35

Has it always been a dream thing that you two were always going to pick wedding dresses together?

quietlysuggests Sat 08-Feb-14 15:34:38

Oh dear you are off to a bad start. I think you are being really kind and understanding, as if anyone pulled that childish rubbish on me I would fire her ass. Is she 12?
Sorry I have no advice, but it will only go downhill from here, she sounds so immature.

Nothing.

And anyone that isn't delighted for you after a few teeny moments of miffedness shouldn't get to be chief bridesmaid.

Hopefully she's a good egg and will be delighted for you very quickly. Expect an 'Im a twat, forgive me' text soon.

ScarlettMantleplume Sat 08-Feb-14 15:35:21

I'm not going to be very helpful here but your chief bridesmaid needs to get over herself!

<hands OP's bridesmaid a grip>

ThinkyPantsWorryWort Sat 08-Feb-14 15:39:36

No childhood dream. In fact, I never 'believed' in marriage growing up!
But yes, essentially upset that she wasn't there. We had discussed going dress shopping together once I had asked her to bridesmaid. I went alone to some, with my Mother to another and with two local friends to the one where I found the dress.

It was once I rang shops to make appointments for when she could be here that I realised I would be cutting it fine to pick a dress in the middle of Feb for an end of July wedding. More than one suggested I made two appointments, so that I would be able to make my final decision by the middle of Feb to allow them time to order it. I had no idea dresses even had 'lead times'! I explained this to her, invited her to come along to the earlier ones but understood she couldn't make it.

I just don't know what to do.

holidaysarenice Sat 08-Feb-14 15:43:15

If you want to keep her happy take her along to the shop to see it. Otherwise just laugh. If she's chief bridesmaid are there others? And is it more about wanting the be the 'special/vip' bridesmaid?

holidaysarenice Sat 08-Feb-14 15:44:14

If you want to keep her happy take her along to the shop to see it. Otherwise just laugh. If she's chief bridesmaid are there others? And is it more about wanting the be the 'special/vip' bridesmaid?

ThinkyPantsWorryWort Sat 08-Feb-14 15:44:25

Thank you for the messages so far. They are quite refreshing as I thought I had committed a wedding crime and was/am feeling bad about it.

I realised when speaking with her that the only moments of stress regarding the wedding so far had been when I had talked to her about things. I know it shouldn't be like that. I have had an apology text but shrouded in 'I'm just so disappointed. . . ', so it has yet to feel like a real apology. I expected her to excitedly demand a picture (which she would have got!) but she doesn't want to see a picture either. Wants to wait and see it in person which I guess is fair enough.

Thing is . . . this is a life long friend, godmother to my daughter, someone I love and normally respect hugely. I have never seen this side to her, never been made to feel like a disappointment before so I need to find a way to move on for her and me otherwise I worry it will seep into other areas of the wedding.

Honeysweet Sat 08-Feb-14 15:45:02

I have recently learnt the same Thinky. If the dress is current stock, there is often a 16 week order time. Apparently becuase they are now virtually all made abroad and have to be made and shipped.

Sounds like she is being unrealistic.
I presume you have told her about the ordering times?

Hopefully she will see that while she is understandably disappointed, you could not have done anything differently.

Nothing - it isn't your problem to fix. If she persists in having some sort of toddler tantrum, then you ask her to step down as a bridesmaid.

The correct response to hearing you have found your perfect dress is "Brilliant, I can't wait to see it". Anything else is mean-spirited and selfish. Before you know it she will be bitching about the BM dresses and trying to snog a married usher in an attempt to be centre of attention.

MooncupGoddess Sat 08-Feb-14 15:46:23

Um gosh. I wouldn't linger on it, but maybe involve her in some other form of wedding decision-making when she comes to stay? Table decorations, accessories... I dunno, when I was a bridesmaid going shopping for the bride's dress would have been my idea of hell.

ThinkyPantsWorryWort Sat 08-Feb-14 15:46:55

There is 1 other. Not sure why I called her Chief to be honest! Haven't done that before.

Is she jealous?

Honeysweet Sat 08-Feb-14 15:47:14

If she is a good friend to you, she may just be having a bad day, possibly hormonal? And will get over it all pretty quickly.
If I was her, I might want your dress to be a surprise too. I dont see anything wrong in that part.

MooncupGoddess Sat 08-Feb-14 15:47:15

Um gosh. I wouldn't linger on it, but maybe involve her in some other form of wedding decision-making when she comes to stay? Table decorations, accessories... I dunno, when I was a bridesmaid going shopping for the bride's dress would have been my idea of hell.

AndHarry Sat 08-Feb-14 15:53:24

What MrsCakes said. Your friend is being weirdly rude. I'd turn the weekend she's down into a bridesmaid dress shopping event instead.

ThinkyPantsWorryWort Sat 08-Feb-14 18:35:49

I hope you are all right! I shall not dwell on it, simply move on. I was to stunned to say much in reply during the conversation and am kicking myself for not being a little bit more forthright with her. It would be daft to bring it back up now though.

Will make her visit all about the bridesmaids - and will ask her opinion on all things accessories wise.

I feel a lot better after this post - I appreciate the replies and advice. Fingers crossed it is all plain sailing from here.

You know, I had wondered if jealously might be a factor. However the person I am marrying is as far away from her 'type' as possible. It could just be the very fact I am getting married but . . . I don't know. I've never been jealous of the wedding, perhaps a few engagements whilst I eagerly awaited mine!

stripes1 Sat 08-Feb-14 18:45:23

Is she married? Maybe if she isn't (and if it's not on the cards for her) then she was going to be living her 'wedding dreams' alongside you iyswim? Friends marrying does bring out all sorts of emotions in people.

ProfondoRosso Sat 08-Feb-14 19:19:11

Please do not let her make you feel bad about this. You have already been overly considerate here. She needs to grow up.

capercaillie Sat 08-Feb-14 19:25:58

Ask her to help choose accessories - veil, shoes, hair etc. say you need her at a fitting to help sort all that...

Tiredemma Sat 08-Feb-14 19:31:04

Its not about her not being there- its about your two other friends being there when you found 'the dress' instead of her.

Thats what I think anyway.

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 09-Feb-14 12:51:34

Blimey! If I were your chief bm I would have been happy that you chose the dress without me having to traipse around a million shops.

If she is going to behave like this now, what is she going to be at the wedding?

Get her to come accessories shopping with you instead. I know it wont be the same but she can be involved in coordinating your bridal look togethher now the dress has been chosen.

mumzuki Sun 09-Feb-14 20:27:12

Thought it was the bride's prerogative to go bridezilla, not a job for the bridesmaid! She sounds crazy - or, she's ambivalent about the whole thing, for reasons of her own. Depends whether it's easier for you to gloss over it, or to try to find out what's really going on for her.

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