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The doghouse

I really want a dog, DP doesn't

25 replies

WhatToDoWithLife · 14/12/2011 16:12

I grew up with dogs, we always had at least 1 from the time I was 2, when I left home, i then had a pair and they had a couple of litters before I had her spayed and him neutered (all with loving homes handpicked for the pups I might add). And I?ve always felt dogs complete a family, and that kids that grow up with dogs are lucky.

Anyway - since splitting with exH (10 years ago) I have not had a dog in my life, but would dearly love one.

DP is a SAHD with DD (2) and I have raised the idea that it would be lovely to have a dog, and even found a 3 month old terrier cross at the local RSPCA that I would love to rehome.
But DP is really anti the idea, not having a dog, but having a dog now, I think it?s ideal timing he stays at home all day with DD, we?re planning DC2 in the next year, so DP won?t be going to work for at least another 6 years, and even then he?ll look at part time work, so he can fit around school runs/ holidays etc.

Is there anyway I can convince him that this is a good idea now? I so miss having a dog, and the thought of this gorgeous little pup spending Christmas in kennels makes me so sad

Disclaimer 1
I have spoken to a lovely lady at the local RSPCA, who said she would consider us, even though DD is younger than the normal age they would like because I have experience with dogs, and if when we came to visit and DD proved to be gentle with him, which I just know she will be - our neighbours have dogs that DD adores, and is so very careful with, that they would happily consider us to rehome him.

Disclaimer 2
While I know there are dogs of all ages looking for a home, and I would be happy to rehome an older dog, we also have 2 cats (DP?s) that we need to make sure are comfortable and happy with the new addition to the family, and it?s very hard to find old dogs that are cat and child friendly (which this pup is)

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OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 14/12/2011 16:14

If your DP is a SAHD, he'll be the one doing most of the walking, the training, the cleaning up after the pup. If he says he doesn't want to, he should be taken at face value.

Iggly · 14/12/2011 16:17

I think it's a no-brained. He doesn't want one so would be unreasonable to get one.

WhatToDoWithLife · 14/12/2011 16:17

I did fear that someone would say something sensible like that.

And I know you're right OldLady - I just find it depressing that it'll be 30 years before I retire and can then have a dog in my life again.

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OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 14/12/2011 16:21

Will it be another 30 years though? Dp just says he doesn't want a dog now but maybe he'll reconsider when your dc are a little older? Changing nappies and having to clean up after a nonhousetrained pup is just too much shit for one person.

And I say that as one who got a 16 week old pup when dc1 was about the same age as your dd. But I was the sahp.

GrimmaTheNome · 14/12/2011 16:25

What is your DPs objection to having a dog now? (just so we know if he's BU or not )

Would he be more comfortable with a dog rather than a pup - we got a 10 month old who was housetrained and already used to kids and dogs (this was from a breeder not a rescue, but he needed a pet home anyway)

queenrollo · 14/12/2011 16:30

I'm the one who gained two dogs when I met DH. I'm the one who had previously had a dog and when he went I decided that I didn't want any more. I'm the one who was left at home all day with two dogs who needed looking after.

I'm a responsible dog owner, so I did what needed doing and yes I loved those hounds very much indeed. The last one died at the beginning of the month and I was heartbroken i'm still grieving for him...

But I have said categorically to DH and DS that we are not having more dogs for a good few years. Like your DH I'm open to the idea of more but just not right now.
They are such a tie and need so much of your time, especially when young and if you already have lots of other commitments throwing in a couple of hours a day for walking them etc is just too much.

tabulahrasa · 14/12/2011 16:34

I wouldn't want a new dog with a 2 year old, it's like getting another toddler - and even worse one that you can't even put a nappy on, lol

ditavonteesed · 14/12/2011 16:36

definatly not fair if dh is the one at home, I will confess that when we got cherry I wanted a dog so much and dh didnt, I am the one at home so it is me doing the lions share, howvere dh didnt agree until he had decided that he wanted a dog as it would be unfair to expect me to do everything and he wanted to be on board.
Why does your dh not want a dog? I thinking walking a dog with a 2yo and possibly a baby would be really hard work, could you not discuss it in the future when the dc are a little bit older.

WhatToDoWithLife · 14/12/2011 16:36

Thanks for your answers. to try and answer some of your questions

DP would love a dog, especially a pup, his sister has 4 well trained dogs, and he loves them all, his parents have 2 with no training and everytime we see them, he comments about how he could never cope with such badly behaved high maintenance dogs (PILs dogs were both bread as working Border Collies and have had no training, so really are a pain to deal with, although are generally good dogs)

DP used to say we couldn't have a dog until one of us was staying at home full time, and when he took over looking after DD, I didn't want to raise the question, because as OldLady points out 2 shitty creatures is a lot to deal with, but DD is almost completely potty trained, and we're a good year off DC2, so I thought the timing might be right.

Anyway he's now changed his mind and said he doesn't want a dog until we retire. I did suggest that I'd be happy for him to take on the bread winner role and I'd take over SAHP duties so I could get a dog and look after it (not seriously of course just as a joke) and that idea was laughed out.

I just know if I wait until I retire, it will then be a case of not wanting one, as we'll finally have the freedom to do what we want and he won't want to be tied down by a dog.

I think he is being incredibly unreasonable, but then I am desperate for a dog again.

I have also proposed doing a weekend foster ( a local dog sanctuary will let you have a dog, that they can't rehome (normally very old and not appealing to those who want dogs as long term family pets) at the weekends, but DP is dead set against that too... :(

Maybe I just need to accept he's never going to actually want a dog of his own.

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WhatToDoWithLife · 14/12/2011 16:42

Sorry x posted so missed the last few posts

DD currently goes to Nursery for 4 hours every day, and DP tends to go out riding his bike, so the thought of a trail hound had always appealed (I would never dream of making a puppy do a long ride with us)

We also have a massive field a two minute walk away, where the pup could run free (no roads or other hazards) and DD's nursery is a 10 minute walk each way on a quite country road (with big wide verges)

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tabulahrasa · 14/12/2011 16:43

Oh, if it's not because of the age of your DD...

um, well, you could just get it but it's probably not going to be fun when you arrive home with it, or you can just carry on complaining and talking about it.

If he's shifted the goalposts that dramatically, I totally understand why you'd be upset.

WhatToDoWithLife · 14/12/2011 16:44

I know if I asked DP about getting a dog once the 2nd DC was 3-ish, it would then be a case of him having concerns about him working part time, where as I view it that he's at home full time now so could dedicate the time to training, socialising etc.

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tabulahrasa · 14/12/2011 16:45

'or you can just carry on complaining and talking about it.'

that makes it sound like I think you're being a right whinge, I didn't mean it like that, I just meant there's nothing more really you can do to persuade him other than tell him how you're feeling, lol

WhatToDoWithLife · 14/12/2011 16:48

tabulahrasa - I didn't take that way, I will just keep nudging and prompting him politely.

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ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 14/12/2011 17:11

Ooh Thing is, if he's the one at home and would have to do all of the shit work, then he gets final say I reckon. Unless you can somehow be at work and with the pup at the same time?

clam · 14/12/2011 17:14

I can totally see this from both sides. Whilst I don't dislike dogs, I'm not exactly what you'd call a dog lover - I'm allergic to many breeds anyway, which can colour your view if you associate them with runny eyes and sneezing. But DH and the DCs started a major campaign about 2 years ago to get one. My initial position was an out and out 'no,' and I had a list as long as my arm as to why not. But gradually, very gradually, my resistance was worn down and after thinking long and hard, I agreed to it - and now I'm the proud owner of a gorgeous 8mo pup, who we've had since he was 8 weeks. I love him to bits, even though he's a pain at times and many of my objections have been proven. I'm even guilty of that irritating habit of the convert of trying to persuade others that they should get one!

So, your DP might change his mind if you keep reminding how much you want one, as if you shut up about it he might think that you're not that bothered anymore. But do bear in mind that rescues are, or should be, keen that all adults in the house are on board with the idea, and it would soon become apparent that he's not.

Willowisp · 14/12/2011 22:22

I'm in a similar position in wanting a dog & dh not wanting one (yet, we have a deal going on).

I'm a sahp though, so other than he let dog out for a morning wee, that probably going to be it on his duties side.

I think you're being completely unfair to insist on a dog. Sorry that its not what you want to hear & how do you know dd is going to be gentle ? Toddlers have no idea of their strength.

WhatToDoWithLife · 15/12/2011 08:26

willowisp I'm not insisting on a dog, I'm just frustrated that the goal posts keep getting moved and it seems like the deal we had re getting one is never going to happen.

WRT DD - we have 2 cats that she adores and is exceptionally gentle with, and our nieghbours have 2 dogs, who she is very careful with, and because I'm an animal nut person, I've always stressed how important it is that animals need love and looking after and aren't toys. We have another neighbour how has an old Scotty, and she's also so gentle and careful with him too. So she's met a lot of dogs and has always been very careful and gentle with them, without exception.

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WhatToDoWithLife · 15/12/2011 08:29

chickens I unfortunately work in London and have a 2 hour commute each way, so while I would be happy to get up early and walk puppy in the morning before I head to the station, and obviously do it again when I get home, I can't spend more time at home at the moment. I will be starting to work from home a couple of days a week, and will then obviously be able to help out more, but if I'm needed to be in London, then I'll have to be.

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clam · 15/12/2011 20:23

Thing is, the bottom line here is that you want a dog, but are only going to be around for the "nice" bits round the edges, not the daily grind of dealing with it. And if that's going to fall to your DP, then his opinion really ought to carry more weight.

Willowisp · 16/12/2011 11:33

Is this going to end up a we miss him sometimes situations, where you buy the dog & DP leaves ?

Yes, I'm afraid he is moving the goal post because he DOESN'T want a dog. Like most men (my dh excluded) he is trying to break it to you gently.

It's a shame, but the way it is & I agree with clam

WhatToDoWithLife · 16/12/2011 15:59

I know you're right and I just have to accept this...

Does make me very sad though.

As tempted as I am to just go out and get a dog, I would never do that, I wouldn't just dump it on DP and expect him to have to do the majority of the work.

But thanks everyone for the input
(still keeping fingers slightly crossed in the hope that he will have adopted pup without telling me for my xmas pressie)

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silentcatastrophe · 16/12/2011 16:51

Would getting a dog jeopardise your relationship with the humans in your life? If you are not pg at the moment, you have a year in hand to train and get used to a dog. Could you take the dog to work?

It's not fair to ask your dp to do all the work at home, but waiting till you're retired is just unkind.

DON'T GET A DOG AT CHRISTMAS!!!! The rescue centres are flooded with spare dogs at the beginning of the new year!

You might find out why your dp is so reluctant to get a dog. Some people can't bear the loss and don't want to have to go through it again. It might help to talk to your dp about why it is so important to you to share your life with a canine. You might find some compromise. Waiting till you're old and doddery is not a compromise, it is a NO!

HopeTheHeraldAngelsSing · 16/12/2011 22:09

I don't know if I can offer any advice, but I would find it very, very hard (I'd almost say impossible) to live without an animal in my life, and my DH knew this when we met. He likes animals, but he himself would never have one - it just would never have occured to him.
So when we got first our cat (who sadly was ill and had to be pts at 5yo), and then our dog who we have now, it was always clear that it was basically my decision that he went along with. Of course, he loved our cat and he adores our dog too - she is absolutely a part of our family. I do most of the looking after (walks, feeding, grooming, vets etc) and I am happy to do that. However, on the occasions when I can't do something, he also happily does it. Ds and I were recently away for a week, so dh took the dog out before work (ridiculously early - she was NOT HAPPY at being dragged out of bed at that time!!), came home at lunch to take her out and then again when he got in from work.

My point (rather long-winded I admit) is that while he may not have chosen to have a dog himself, he wasn't actually against the idea for any particular reason (allergies/fear of dogs etc), and because of that, and because it was obviously so very important to me, we did get a dog.
I do think you need to talk to your dh about it and see if there is any underlying reason for him not wanting a dog now, and explain to him how very important it is for you to have a dog in your life at some point in the near future.
I hope it works out well for both of you :)

feesh · 17/12/2011 16:21

Please don't get a dog if your partner is a SAHD and isn't convinced by it. I speak as someone who had a dog against her will (we fostered her and got stuck with her after trying and failing to find a home for her). We love her very much now, but my god I hated puppyhood. I used to cry some afternoons until my husband got home from work.

NOTHING can prepare you for getting a puppy and if you don't want one in the first place, it is ten times harder.

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