Panorama - older women and pregnancy

[speedymama]

Did anybody see this last night. I was glued to it because I realised how lucky I was not to have had problems falling pregnant at age 38yo with my DTS.

The issues affecting older mothers really had a profound effect on the presenter because she realised that at age 35yo, if she wanted children, then her window of opportunity was diminishing with each passing year. She reflected on a good point that we always focus on the successful high profile older mothers like Cherie Blair and Madonna but forget that far more older women are unsuccessful.

I feel that women like myself who have invested a great deal into our careers face a huge dilemma with regard to our lifestyle choices. If you have children in your 20s, you forfeit the opportunity to establish your career without any hindrance. If you leave it until you are older, who run the risk of having fertility problems due to age plus you have to decide on the type of balance you want to achieve with your family and career.

I feel truly bless that I had no problems conceiving my boys.

[Xavielli]

Hello,

I watched it and I did really feel for the presenter.

I am 20, had my children at 19 and 20. I felt a little asthough it was looked down upon. I am getting married to my partner (15years older) next year and we had chosen to have children.

Here's the twist, Before I had the kids I didnt have any career aspirations was quite happy just doing all the run of the mill things. Now, however, I do want to have a career, I know what I want that career in, because I want to make life better for my children in the long run.

I would never have got the motivation to go to uni and qualify if it were'nt for them.

I think they should have been clearer when defining the "teenage pregnancy" that they wanted to reduce!

[tessasmum]

Damn, missed it!!
As a, very lucky, 43 yr old with a 3 yr old DD and 7mth DS I was asleep!
Anyone tape it?

[granarybeck]

Xavielli, I agree with you about defining what kind of teenage pregnancy they want to reduce. I was watching a bit on gmtv talking about the program and they cited a 19 year old "teenage mum". My ds, now 9, was really confused by it, and i think a bit 'hurt'. He asked me "weren't you 19 mum when you had me, why was that bad?" I obviously explained why it can be difficult and not the best choice for some teenage mums. But he knows that I continued to get a good degree whilst looking after him and dd and they've bith turned out ok! But it made me think the same as you, that they need to be a bit clearer of which pregnancies they want to reduce. I think my ds felt like they were saying he shouldn't be here.

I, like you, have had to more focused and motivated in some ways for the sake of my children. Though I can't say there haven't been days when I've wished I could take a career break and go round the world like some people my age can do! On the other hand, it always seemed so nice that my work friend who is 38 and hasn't yet had children can just go for drinks, dinner after work, jet off on short breaks etc. But then I realised that when I'm her age my ds will be 18 and i'll be able to do these things and have had my babies. So which ever way women choose to do it, i guess it just means doing the other things at different times in our lives. My only problem is that now when I see other people my age just starting to consider babies, it makes me broody again!

I did think the panorama presenter was quite good at showing the pros and cons, including career/SAH choices, of having children at different ages.

[granarybeck]

tessasmum, is it repeated on bbc3?

[hotmama]

I watched it, and felt very blessed to be sitting there feeding my dd2 at 39. I know I am really lucky to have had dd1 at 37 and dd2 at 38 - and got pregnant straight away.

I like Kate Silverton - and really felt for her - you have such a dilemma in your 30's (and crap it at the thought that you have left it too late).

I'd like a number 3 but am 40 next year - straight after the programme I said to dp we had better rethink the age gap. I was intending to try again in 2007 when nearly 41 - think I may need to rethink.

I wish I could tell all late 20 year olds not to leave it too late but unfortunately the society we live in and the work culture we have, make it difficult to combine motherhood and career progression - hence having children late.

[hotmama]

Also in defence of teenage mums - my mum was one - had me at 16. She subsequently got a degree etc in her 30's and now earns as much as me who left having children late! So swings and roundabouts.

My mum enjoys her grandchildren whilst I may never meet mine if the dd's follow my example!

[Earlybird]

I saw it, and agreed with alot of it.

I never much wanted to be a mum because my own mum was so miserable. I focused on my career until I was 40 or so when I realised I was running out of time and would soon no longer have a choice. I conceived dd with fertility treatment, and gave birth, after the 4th attempt at age 42. I tried for a second, managed to conceive, miscarried, and was told that at 45 I was probably too old unless I used an egg donor.

I think many people blithely assume that if Madonna, Cherie Blair etc can be older mums, then it's easy. And if it's not easy, there's always IVF, which many believe to be a "sure thing". It's a huge misconception that sadly, far too many women realise only when it's too late....like that poor actress. Hearing her speak, and knowing the physical challenges she faces in order to conceive and carry to term at age 45, even with all the medical help available - well, chances of a successful pregnancy are miniscule.

I thought the presenter was very honest in showing her emotions, and was interested that she gave no clue as to whether or not she's got a partner. Made me wonder if she was facing those feelings as a single person, or if she simply has delayed the decision within a relationship.

[saadia]

I missed this (probably becasue of football Were they talking about the difficulties in conceiving at a later age or complications in pregnancy?

I will be 38 in a couple of months and was thinking about trying for another baby towards the end of this year. If we can't conceive then I will accept it but if there is a marked increase in the danger of complications for both mother and child at a later age then I will reconsider.

[Pruni]

As someone who's having ivf (but for other reasons, I'm only 33), I thought the dr who spoke about it sent a very clear message, and the case of the 45-yr-old who desperately wanted to get pg was quite hard-hitting.

Interesting that they said only 6% of mothers are teenagers: the way we bang on you'd have thought it was much higher.

[Enid]

hotmama i was feedind dd3 while prog was on and am 40 in a couple of months

[NotActuallyAMum]

You can watch it on your computer via the \link{http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/panorama/5072878.stm\BBC Website}

And it's repeated on Wednesday, very late though - 3:05am, so I probabaly should say very early on Thursday morning

[NotActuallyAMum]

Should have also said that the repeat is on BBC1

[speedymama]

My cousin had her first child when she was 15yo (she was a rebel). Now she is 40yo, with 5 children and a qualified midwife. I did feel very uncomfortable with the sublimal message that was being peddled about teenage mothers and like the others said, this needs to be defined but equally, they must not write them off because they can turn their lives around like my cousin.

Also, Granarybeck made a really good point about only be 38yo when her child is 18yo. One will still have a working life of 25-30 years (depending on the age of retirement in future) so in that respect having your children from an early age does not mean you can never have a career. There was a woman in my local free paper who went to law school in her late 30s and has now been accepted by a top barrister for her training. She has 2 teenage children.

Another important point to remember is that many women like me, do not meet their future husbands/partners until they are in their 30s.

[Whizzz]

I was a very good balanced programme & the link on the website is good to. I'm 40 this year - have a DS who is 5. Last year I had 2 early m/c and have now resigned myself to being grateful for my wonderful DS. Yes I know I could try again but I am happy to be in a position where I have a child and am balanced and happy with my life the way it is now. It must be very hard though to be 40 without any children & deparately wanting one. I do think we need to wise up and be given more honest info about just how fertility rates drop off (although personally I couldn't imagine having kids any earlier than I did)

[Pruni]

I thought she gave a splendidly unjudgmental view of teenage motherhood, in fact - and the young woman featured was very very sensible. My mum was 16 when she gave birth, and I won't say she is the best mother, she's pretty abysmal, and whether that's down to her not having grown up before having us, I don't know. At the time and in her area it was almost the norm to have at least one child before the age of 20.

I was taken aback by how much of herself she revealed to the public - it was a really personal and touching (and sadly familiar) story. My BIL has just left a woman her age, one of the reasons being that after 8 years together she thought it would be nice to start a family. I watched it very much with her in mind.

[Pruni]

Incidentally wasn't there a great thread that Aloha posted a lot on, about the myth of failing fertility? Can't remember the details...

[pickle100]

I would agree that it is an important issue - I am 35 and was trying for no 2 with difficulty and now wish I'd started earlier. Also , having built up a career in my 20's I have found a career/baby don't always mix (unless you have a lot of help or are a superwoman!) and so am back to the bottom of the career ladder anyway. A friend had her first at 18 and 2 more in her early twenties and is now a high flyer.

[JohnCusacksMouthMasseur]

Thanks for this speedy.
Just to say its swings and roundabouts in all areas.
Has my children at 24 when fresh from university and though it does not sound young - it felt it at the time. My friends from university generally waited at least another 10 years...i am the youngest mum in the playground etc etc...
I have had another 'batch' of babies ( now in late 30's 38 when last baby born) would like another - so better get a move on. I am much calmer generally relaxed mum than i was to the older 3...
good luck to all older womyn trying!

[JohnCusacksMouthMasseur]

NotAnOtter btw!

[expatinscotland]

Good luck to all those 45 and trying.

I think for me, personally, at that point I'd call it quits.

But to say they 'didn't realise' they were running out of time as educated as these women are is a bit too much, IYKWIM.

I twigged when I was married to a 34-year-old man who kept saying, 'Let's wait a few more years.'

I was 30, we'd been separated a couple of years and thought, 'I may not have a few more years.'

Best decision I ever made was to move on.

[NotAnOtter]

yes expat i do agree.
Sounds harsh but in the words of my grandma in a few of the cases it has to be a slight case of 'they want the ha'penny and the gingerbread'

[frogs]

I thought the presenter was lovely, but I did want to give her a slap, in a 'wake up, dear' kind of way. Surely anybody who's read a newspaper in the past ten years can't have missed the stuff about fertility declining after 35?

Also hated the 'all or nothing'ness of it the interviewees were either older first time mums, or teenagers. Ahem, what about the rest of us, who maybe did have babies in our late 20s? And also the idea that it's baby or career, and that once you've had a baby you mutate into a SAHM who learns to love babywipes and puree. What a bout the majority of us who do bits of domesticity, have a semblance of a career and occasionally manage to have a life as well? Also didn't like the endless cooing over cute little hairbrushes and babygros like the most important bit is buying lots of dinky gear.

I was also irritated by the lack of any focus on potential fathers -- presumably Katie whatsit and co are not making decisions all by themselves about whether a baby is a good idea?

It was fine as far as it went, but would have been a very different prog if it had been made by someone who'd actually had a baby. I did expect to see one of those screens go up at the end, saying, "Katie is now 7 months pregnant with triplets", but no.

[Pruni]

I agree frogs, there was barely a mention of fathers. A really interesting programme would be why men are avoiding having kids until their thirties and the effect this can have on normally sane women - but I doubt it would get made.....