My 16 yr old DD might be ready for this- I am NOT!!!

[kansasmum]

DD (16) came into the kitchen last night to talk to me- she looked a bit embarrassed so I had a fair idea of what she wanted to talk to me about! She has been with her boyfriend for about 5 months and she told me last night they had sex for the 1st time last week. Inside I was screaming 'Nooooo not my baby"! but I said" well I am glad you have come and told me- did you use a condom' She said yes and they had talked about sex for a while before deciding to go ahead. The b/friend has told his Mum and Gran (who he lives with) and to be fair, really encouraged ED to tell me.
We discussed contraception and she said she wants to go on the pill so I said ok and she has an appt (the Dr is the Dad of my ds's best buddy from pre-school- dd is mortified!!!!)on Friday.

Dh is away and I have said she needs to tell him herself and she is dreading that. i think he will freak out so will have to try and calm him down no doubt!

I am glad she has come to tell me but I am sad at my little girl growing up. I am glad she waited til she was 16 as you hear of so many kids having sex at 13-14 these days - of course I would have preferred she waited til she was 30!!!

I am not sure how I feel about this. I am really really pleased she could come and talk to me cos we do argue a fair bit and I worried she wouldn't come and tell me this sort of thing.

How do I deal with my little girl growing up?

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Aww, I do feel for you. I know what you mean about preferring her to wait til she's 30!

But, y'know, this really is about as good as it can get in terms of your dd and her boyf being responsible and all. She has been with him 5 months and he has told his family too. Its all good, honestly it is. It sounds like you have a great relationship with her. And now you don't have to worry that you don't know what's going on (which must have crossed your mind already?).

[Chaotica]

I think it's great that she thought that she could come and tell you. But IMHO expecting her to tell her dad herself is cruel and unusual, especially if he is likely to freak out.

I would be impressed that she has been so grown up about it (and taken things very slowly TBH). Can't she go to another doctor or the family planning clinic if there is a family connection with the GP?

Also, it would be fair to warn her that the pill doesn't suit everybody (I spent my late teenage years fat and depressed, only later finding out that it was due to the contraception I used.)

[boogywoogy]

I think that she has been incredibly mature, I can't think of any of my friends at 16 who would have had this discussion with their parents.

I do agree with Chaotica that it seems a bit bizarre that you would make her tell her Dad. Why the need for her and not you to tell him?

[Disenchanted3]

I don't think you should make her tell her dad!

Its very different talking to a father about these things than a mother for young girls!

I told my mum about having sex with my boyfriend (now husband) for the first time, telling my dad never came up!

I really think you should have a quiet word with him when she is not there, especially if he is not likely to take it well!

[kansasmum]

He won't freak out in front of her- he will probably just say "Oh right" and mumble embarrassedly!! Then freak out to me!

She is happy to see our GP- we don't know him that well- just our sons are friendly. I did offer to make an appt with another Dr but she said it was ok. He is REALLY nice and very very good with teenagers.
I did tell her she should still use condoms even when she is on the pill- double whammy protection form pregnancy and also obviously STI's.

It did cross my mind that they were thinking of sex- just a mum's intuition.

I am relieved that she has told me now and we can discuss contraception etc rather than have her come to me and say "Mum I am pregnant".

Still not ready for it though!!

[warthog]

i would definitely not expect her to tell her dad. it's her business and it's a sign of your good relationship that she came and told you. she's confiding in you and i really don't see why she should be made to confide in him. please don't.

tell him quietly on your own.

[kansasmum]

Disenchanted- yeah maybe I should have a word. I think she is worried he will be angry.
he is driving back form Manchester today but telling him while he is driving on the M6 is probably not my best time eh?!! LOl!

She does talk to her dad about stuff too and they have a good close relationship which is why i thought she should tell him herself but maybe you are right and its unfair.

[JohnPeelwasmyhero]

You should be so proud of your parenting and your DD that she felt able to tell you, and her boyfriend telling his family. There was NO way I would have told my mum when I started having sex.

WHy do you feel she must tell her dad? Surely sex is something private between two people and they are legal now - great to come to you for advice, can't you tell her dad (gently!)?

[NanKid]

She and her boyfriend both sound really sensible - waited until 16, discussed it beforehand, used contraception and have confided in their mums.

I really don't see why she needs to tell her dad, though. What a horrifying thought!

[kansasmum]

She is the one who wants to tell her Dad- but I am beginning to think I will be the one to break the news. She told me she wants us both to know and doesn't want to be sneaking around behind our backs.

She wants him to know but I think I will tell him.
I understand its a private thing between them but she is the one who said she wants to be upfront with me and dh.

[PlumBumMum]

If she wants to tell her dad then thats different but I think you should break it to him first,
but you should be so proud she came and told you, my mum asked me one day and I told her, she nearly crashed the car, so better not tell your dh driving home
BUT I would never have went to my mum and told her so good on you and your dd

[kansasmum]

My mum never EVER spoke to me about sex. My sex ed came from reading Jackie Collins "Hollywood Wives" she never even spoke to me about periods-thank God for my older sister!
That's why I have always tried to be upfront and honest with my girls.

My mother would have been horrified if I had told her I was having sex!!

[Monty100]

Kansas - you couldn't have asked for more honesty that's for sure. I'm waiting for this convo any day with my dd.

I would go with the others about her not having to have this conversation with her dad, I'm sure your dh won't particularly want it either lol and he might prefer it comes from you. But if your dd wants to do it herself, fair dos I guess, but I don't think its necessary.

[Pimmpom]

When my dd turned 16 she came and spoke to me about going on the pill. Of course my heart sank but she has been with her boyfriend for 2 years so I was pleased she had waited.

Never crossed my mind that she should tell her dad, just felt good that she could come and talk to me.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Lol at jackie Collins. That is where I got all my info from - quite consternated when i tried it out for myself and discoyvered it wasn't all Jesus H Christ multiple orgasms at the drop of a hat!

It is lovely that your daughter has spoken to you about this - it must have been very dainting for her. And good on you for not freaking out (well, not to her anyway). I agree with others that it is probably best for you to tell her dad. She shouldn't be forced to tell him herself I don't think.

My dd is 14 and we have had extensive birds and the bees converstions, especially since she has had a boyfriend for about 6 months now. She says that they have discussed sex and she wants to wait until she is 16. Naive as I may be, I believe her (I didn't wa\nt to have sex underage either). We have already discussed the consequences re pregnancy (discussed abortion etc). She has been on the pill for a while now - she had hideously heavy periods so she was put on teh pill to reduce that. I have said that whatever happens, and despite the fact she is on teh pill, she needs to wear a condom.

I know how you feel though - as mature and controlled as you behave, you feel like screaming NOOOOOOOOOO! and making her play with My Little Ponys again.

[cluelessnchaos]

I told my mum I was having sex, she was furious and made me tell my dad as punishment for both of us,she and dad had a very strained relationship these are completly different circumstances but I cant help recoiling in horror for her. She has been so responsible so far and I would be proud of her if she were mine.

[kansasmum]

I am proud of her for coming and telling me. Perhaps i got it wrong but I really thought she wanted to tell her Dad herself - will ask her if she wants em to tell him and then she can decide whether she speaks to him about it.

If she is happy for me to tell him then I think I can gauge what will happen- he will freak out to me then ignore and pretend its not happening!

She is in the middle of her GCSE's right now- well nearly finished to be honest. She seems to have dealt with them ok and she has told me about the sex so I guess I must be doing something right !
getorfmoiland......yes I want to say Noooooo go and get your Barbies out and play with them!!

I wish she was still 3 like my ds!

[lal123]

First time my Mum KNEW I was having sex was when I told her I was pregnant - was 29 and had been with my partner for over 10 years.....

[kansasmum]

I remember saying to dh when we told my parents I was pregnant-"Oh my mum will KNOW I have had sex now"!!!!

[msripley]

I bookmarked this when I first read it and gave a printout to dd1 (dd2 will have it in due course.)

It sounds like the OP's daughter has followed the general advice and has been very sensible

[kansasmum]

Well we went to the GP this morning and she has a prescription for the pill. Although I am glad she is being responsible about contraception etc I can't help but feel a bit sad- I guess I just dont' want her growing up

I also feel that by taking her to the GP -although the responsible thing to do- I am condoning her actions and I would rather she hadn't decided to have sex. But I suppose those are my issues not hers1

msripley Thank you for that link- I will print it out and give it to ED- I know she has already had sex but it will make her think.

We told her dad together and surprisingly he was fine- he expressed sadness to me but was glad she had been upfront.

Now just trying not to think about it too much!!

[BlauerEngel]

kansasmum I think both of you are being incredibly mature, and it shows what a good relationship you have with her.

My mum totally freaked when she found out I was on the pill at 16, my dad freaked along with her, and they PHONED SOCIAL SERVICES. Told the social worked I was out of control and something had to be done. The social worker laughed down the line and told them the had more important stuff to deal with, like abused kids and teenage prostitutes and drug users. A 16 year old in a monogamous relationship with another teenager using contraception was pretty low down on their list.

It destroyed the relationship to my parents. Totally. I moved away later to go to university and then left the country. I wouldn't dream of telling my mother anything important in my life - she gets a very sanitised version.

So what you've done by acting so calmly is maintain the trust your daughter has in you long term. I'm slightly envious, to be honest. I hope I manage to be so mature when my own DD turns 16. I think it's natural to be sad at her having grown up, but as you have realised, that is not sufficient justification to stand in her way.