Tips on getting a 14yr old to learn empathy and be less selfish please?

[MarionCole]

Or is it a lost cause?

I find the selfish attitude and open defiance incredibly hard to deal with.

[Cobbstar]

Patience - an abundance of it - it's not a lost cause but you are going to be severley tested as they are programmed at that age to question everything you stand for. Set boundaries and try and stick to them. Good luck..

[MarionCole]

It's so hard to rise above it, isn't it. It's not even as though it's one big thing, they are all petty little things which actually make it quite hard to stick to my guns, it's easier to back down! For example, having to constantly remind her to do her (very very few) chores, or to tidy up after herself - it would be so much less hassle to do them myself rather than have her banging around the house in a strop moaning that she doesn't see why she should have to do everything.

Patience. Rise above it. Cool wet grass.

[foureleven]

No advice just a big ARRGGHHHHH from over here too... and shes not even a teenager yet, 11.

[chegirlmonkeybutt]

I spent years and so much effort bringing up DS to be empathetic and kind. He was always thoughtful and generous. He didnt whinge when his sister got spoiled because she was ill or when we fostered his little brother.

I used to buy odd presents for the kids but one would get something one time and another at a different time so they didnt get into 'she got something, I should get too'.

It all seemed to work. I nominated him for a local award and he won.

A few weeks later he turned 15 and into someone I dont recognise

Its all about him. Totally and utterly. And he is now jealous of his little brothers for the first time.

I hope he grows out of it. He will wont he?

[MarionCole]

It's such a relief to hear that I'm not the only one. I was half expecting someone on here saying "being a bit selfish, is that all you have to worry about?!" (Although, I am conscious that everything could be so much worse).

They must grow out of it, adults don't behave like this, although I'm sure we all did when we were 14/15! I'm just waiting for her to have her own house then I'm going to go round and leave mouldy cups lying around and do things that she has specifically asked me not to, just to piss her off.

Getting out of the house is definitely important. She can be lovely when she's in the right frame of mind.

Consequences don't seem to work. A couple of months ago she spoke to DH in such a disrespectful way that I told her that unless she apologised I would take her laptop off her. She wouldn't so I did. She became so entrenched in the idea that she was right that she basically shut herself away. She wouldn't apologise. In the end her school work was going to suffer, so I had to back down a bit, told her she could have it back if she sat down and had a proper conversation with me about how she was expected to behave and how to treat people with the respect they deserve. She listened and engaged, but never apologised

[TheFutureMrsClooney]

The shutting away is something I recognise as a response to punishment!

My lovely, gentle 14 year old DD seems to realise that that is the best punishment for me when I've punished her (usually by blocking Facebook for a few days). She retreats to her bedroom until the ban is over - I hate it.

[rainbowinthesky]

It is so hard parenting a 14 year old. Ds is lovely to everyone except us whom he cant bear to be with for more than a few minutes as we "don't understand" him and are soo embarrassing.

[mamas12]

And what about the total lack of communication.
EG ds has gone to a birthday party today and I found out this morning it was a sleepover. No problem I can pick him up on the way to see nanny in the morning.Ok says ds.
Now ex has phoned and said they are going camping beachside with the family until wed!
I had no idea and ex was saying the dad phoned everyone. ds told ex Friday but I only knew when he told me.
Meanwhile ds is doing exactly what he wants with no thought of when and where to pick up BOOOOring details like that.

Sorry for rant.

Don't know what his game is.

[olderandwider]

Dare I suggest this?

Brilliant and enlightening!

[elmerelephant]

OMG that book is amazing, I read made all my friends who have teenagers read it,
it should be issued with their choices at 13 by the school it would help so many struggling parents who think that they are doing it wrong as their DD/Ds has turned into someone unrecognisable overnight.

I keep mine by my bed, good reading!

Elmer

[ElleA]

Just wanted to say this site is brilliant, such a massive help. I'm at an all time low with my 14yr old daughter and feel like I'm the worst mum in the world, but knowing others feel the same really helps. Looking forward to reading the book!

[cherylannet]

Elle you cant be the worst mum in the world cos I am

Seriously, its such a tough time for those of us with more 'challenging' teenagers. My DD (as described in another thread) is pretty impossible most of the time, but very occasionally these days there is a teeny glimpse of the person I hope she will become.

All the best to all the other mumsnetters who have to don their tin hats and flak jackets every day to protect themselves from 'incoming' from teens....

[noddyholder]

I am in a nightmare with ds atm he is 16 and is selfish rude and soooooo disrespectful and has gone out today in a blaze of glory slamming doors branding me a loon and saying we are the worst parents etc.It is so draining.I cannot see one positive in having him at the moment and I dread being with him.he is also spoilt and does NOTHING unless there is a huge row.He was still in bed at 12.15 today facebooking so i unplugged the modem told him to clean his room etc and he just walked out and did nothing.Dp says he has been texting him at work but we are determined to stay united so he hasn't replied to him!I can't wait til he goes atm which i never thought i would say

[motherofboys]

Laughter is a good policy

When they are completely unreasonable and saying things to you that they would not say to another human being, just laugh and walk away

[motherofboys]

Laughter is a good policy

When they are completely unreasonable and saying things to you that they would not say to another human being, just laugh and walk away