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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Do you read your DCs emails, facebook messages etc?

19 replies

Jopeg · 01/04/2010 21:20

I look from time to time to check what she is up to. I found a message on facebook today that is nothing bad, but clearly something that is troubling her, but now feel I can't talk to her because she would go ballistic about the lack of privacy.

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/04/2010 21:28

If it's on FB, it's not private. Maybe this is her way of asking for help?

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usualsuspect · 01/04/2010 21:30

I can see my ds's facebook ..but would never read his in box if thats what you mean

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Jopeg · 01/04/2010 21:41

No it was the in box. She has had a few problems at school (disruptive not trying hard enough etc) and I like to see what she is up to and who she is corresponding with, must admit nosiness does play a part.

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Tortoise · 01/04/2010 21:44

I occasionally check text messages (DS1 is 12) and i have his sign in details for FB so i can keep an eye on what he is saying/others are saying.
Found out about his secret FB account by reading texts!

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Jux · 01/04/2010 21:56

Well, dd is 10 and is not on fb (even though a lot of her friends are). I do read her e-mails, she knows I do, she might object but she hasn't told me.

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usualsuspect · 01/04/2010 21:57

How old is she

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Jopeg · 01/04/2010 22:18

Almost 16

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mumeeee · 02/04/2010 23:57

When our Dc's were under 16 we tried to keep an eye on what they were up to on the computer. But even then we would not actually read any of their private messages, Once they were over 16 we trusted them and didn't check up on them. It helped that the computer was downstairs in a family room and they didn't have laptops until they were doing A levels.

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Jopeg · 03/04/2010 16:53

We kept the internet restricted to the family room for a long time, but it just got so there was too much demand for it.

I was hoping to assuage my guilt as I half expected many people to confess to reading their offspring's messages etc.

This has been a lesson to me, because I can only worry about what I read and not do anything about it.

That said it is nothing terrible, if it was really bad then I suppose I would have to confess I had looked.

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lovelife48 · 03/04/2010 20:08

Hi

I did this when my dd was 15 because I was
concerned about a relationship she was in.
I think also for me it was about me not letting her go and accepting that she was growing up. She became very secretative, and distant. Looking back now I think it was about me wanting to 'connect' with her in some way as we were so close when she was little.

She is almost 18 now and is in healthy relationship and is very happy. Its not in her personality to be chatty, but we have some lovely conversations now. I did confess to her because of the guilt and explained why I did it. She said she has forgiven me and I feel we have both moved on.

I do understand why you would want to do this, but as you say it only makes you 'worry' and feel more powerless. I think its best for you to wait for when your dd is ready to talk to you.

Take care, its not easy being a Mum of teens,
but it is a joy watching them grow and finding their own way in the world.

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cory · 04/04/2010 11:37

Dd (13) not yet allowed on Facebook. Wouldn't read private correspondence unless I had a very good reason to believe that she was up to something dangerous and/or illegal.

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sarah293 · 04/04/2010 11:40

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Slartybartfast · 04/04/2010 11:41

i have facebook, as do my dc's, so if their comments come up on my inbox i can read them, would prefer not to after one shocker,

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differentnameforthis · 04/04/2010 11:44

I would! They are still children & still liable to make stupid mistakes at that age!

The girl who was killed by someone she met on fb recently was 17, so imo they are still too young to have full privacy!

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fortyplus · 04/04/2010 11:44

Jopeg I don't check my dc's e-mails/texts or fb, but I insisted that they set me up as fb 'friend' so I monitor what they're up to. Though obviously that doesn't give me access to personal messages or im chat.

In the situation you describe I would leave it a couple of days and then subtly introduce a conversation about school.

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sarah293 · 04/04/2010 11:49

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Slartybartfast · 04/04/2010 11:52

my dm did read my diary at that age ... but apparently i was only a day to day diary and i was in trouble for what i wrote as it happens

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fortyplus · 04/04/2010 11:55

I think it's important for teenagers to have a degree of privacy - but also to chat with them about possible dangers. Mine have promised not to add anyone they don't know in rl

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Jopeg · 04/04/2010 14:28

OK I feel slightly less guilty now. We were friends on facebook but she has unfriended me because of something I said. I'm not too worried she is friends with enough of my adult friends for it not to be a problem.

I think I will check her message box from time to time but will only look at the message if I don't know the person or am concerned about her corresponding with someone (an older male for example whether known to her or not) she is actually very cautious about strangers, but it isn't always strangers who are a problem.

Going by these rules I would still open the message because it was an ex teacher she had approached for advice and I wondered why they were corresponding, but it was all above board.

I'm feeling less worried now as she seems OK.