Mumsnet Talk

He left his phone at home today so I had a quick look at his texts - found one he sent a week ago that said "Have you got any of that 10 bag left" then "Are you getting it".

That definitely means drugs to me. We have had to ground him in the past due to him drinking alcohol in parks when he was 13 and take his paper round money off him.

The boy he sent the text message to is his best friend at school (although I have only spoken to his mum three or four times).

Obviously we are going to question him tonight. It might be the first time - I haven't noticed any changes in his behaviour but I have just spoken to a drugs line and they said he could take a substance when he goes out and the effects could have worn off by the time he comes home a few hours later.

Do I tell the boy's mum? I am sure my son will spill the beans but he would be absolutely horrified if I spoke to his friend's mum.

The woman I spoke to on the drugs line wasn't so sure I should do this - she said I really had to weigh up the pros and cons. She said his mother might know already.

I really don't know what do do.

I think we will have to come down heavy on our son especially after the alcohol and now possibly drugs - ground him again and make sure he hasn't got any money. This paper round seemed a good thing but now it looks like he has too much money.

I think the question is what's making him take drugs?

It isn't common imo for a boy that young to be buying or taking drugs - what's going on in his life?

Grounding, reducing money etc are all part of it but you need to get to the root or he'll just find other ways of getting money.

What does your dh think?

In the first instance I would steer clear of getting involved with another family. You need to concentrate on your DS now.

Firstly you have to deal with the immediate problem - the drugs he might have in his possession etc You need to limit his ability to buy drugs- ground him - yes this will mean marching him into school and picking him up. It will mean no mone y. You can buy things for him from his earnings but he can't have hard cash.

You need to find out why he is doing drugs. He is quite young to be going down this route.

You need to educate him. Take advice on the best way of doing this.

This is going to be a long hard battle. Tough love is never easy but you need to and you need him to know and understand that you are on his side and are wanting to help him.

My husband had an hour long chat with him and he was completely open and honest about what he had done. We decided to take the extremely calm route for once. He admitted he has bought it 3 times and it is a 19 year old ex pupil of his school who is selling it in the local cinema car park!!!

I really don't think it can have been that strong as I am always on the lookout for signs of alcohol/drugs.

I have decided not to contact the other mother as I really don't know her that well.

He was grounded this last weekend and we have told him he is being dropped off and picked up wherever he goes - he says he's going to the pictures but I am sure he is roaming the streets which we are dead against.

If it comes to it we will follow him.

The problem is as his friends haven't been "caught" yet will they continue to buy it.

I was thinking I could send an annonymous text to them saying the dealer has been reported to the Police and they have him under surveillance - maybe they won't try and buy off him again.

I really don't know what to do.

My son reads NME every week and the positive drugs messages/references are terrible.

I think it was peer pressure and he was curious to try it.

I would phone the police and tell them the dealers name and where he is selling it.

Presumably I can do this anonymously?

I'd like to think they would act straight away but in reality they probably don't. My son also told my husband there are dealers outside a shop about a mile from our house. So I think it is everywhere if you want it.

Unfortunately, it is everywhere and it is not unusual at this age anymore. All you can do is talk sensibly to him about the dangers, try and make sure he doesn't have access to too much money at any one time and hope that you can trust him not to do anything stupid.

Experimentation seems to happen earlier and earlier. We are in London,I have 2 teenage sons. I know what they 'could' be doing,but I can't lock them in.

I try to stop too much hanging around the streets and the younger one knows to text if he changes where he is or there is big trouble. But in the end, you have to trust and hope.

i have no advice despite going through this myself.

i contacted everyone from social services to Frank to parentline to the drug action team. I was pretty well placed to be able to find these kind of agencies as it links with the work that i used to do.

and even with all that knowledge and the advice of mumsnet i couldn't stop it happening and continuing.

i distinctly remember Mnetters being very ...oh whats this new term we are all supposed to be useing?...'Woo' about the whole thing. all very "it;s only weed" type comments.

drug action team sent me a newsletter and an invitation to take part in a group for families of drug users. which i declined.

social services whom i begged for help, were of no use - catch 22 - i was a concerned parent - hence on their part there is no concern IYSWIM. i suppose this is compounded by lack of resources and stafing etc etc et bloody cetera.

it does feel a very lonley place to be. so just want you to know that been there done that and perhaps the only advice i can give is to make sure they have a clear direction for their future. some hope and ambition and something to strive toward. I think we know that some people have a predisposition to adictive personalities and behaviours - whilst others dont - mix together with a sprinkling of drug dealers on most corners and despite loving caring desperate parents - its a case of que sera sera i;m afraid

When my little sister went through this one of the important things that my Mum did was give her an out. My Mum bought drug testing kits and told my sister that she would use them if necessary but that she was trusting her to be honest and not do it.

The main point was to give my sister an excuse, so she could say to her friends "My Mum keeps testing me for drugs so thanks but no thanks, not worth it for me, she'll ground me and stop all my money" etc etc.

My sister did stop doing it for a while I think but is now 17 and does smoke weed at the weekends. However, when she was 14 her and all of her friends were even smoking it before and during school! I don't think it's uncommon tbh to be smoking weed at that age, most parents just don't notice.

I think ewe's suggestion is worth some consideration.

A lot of mnetters think cannabis is absolutely fine and dandy. They may think differently when their kids are teenagers and are using it.

I have been through it all. If you have an approachable local beat officer, you might consider getting him or her to have an informal chat. What a lot of kids don't realise, and my local policeman explained to me, is that even just a caution can have a knock on effect on your teenager's future. University or job applications, travel opportunities, particularly to the US.

Canabis in particular stops kids from living their lives. It demotivates them and stops them from making the most of opportunities for education, travel, work experience etc.

I think communication and deprivation of cash is the way to go. Try talking to "FRANK" the drugs advice line. I found them helpful at a time when I couldn't confide in anyone else.

I very much agree that you should take this seriously - custardo is right when she says no-one else is interested, as parents you are left to your own devices. Cannabis destroys lives. I would tell the other parents, the school and everybody else you can - maybe trying to get your son to think about how he will feel if you tell his grandparents, or others he cares about. Tell the police who is selling - you can do that anonymously. If you want to trust him, do, but producing a kit every now and again will do no harm - the look on his face is likely to show you whether he is using.

Many people on here seem to think that kids can "dabble" in drugs. However, young teens don't dabble for long. They can get influenced by older children, and often withholding money leads to dealing or running for the dealers.

I know far too much about this. Two years ago ds was a high-achieving, sport-loving, popular member of a very good school. Now he sits at home all day - no school, no friends (just fellow-cannabis-users), no sport, no interests, no money. He has been beaten up for drug debts and will, I think, end up in jail (or worse). Police, social services, education department are un-interested.

He is 15.

Oh maryz. My heart goes out to you. I was very nearly where you are. It is desperate. Nobody knows unless they have been through it.

Is there any way you could remove your ds completely from his environment? A colleague of mine actually sent her ds to a completely different country to live with a relative, it was the only way she could get him away from the dealers.

Thanks littlefrogs. We have tried taking him away, but he just runs home. It would need a different country but unfortunately we would never be able to get him on a plane. We are still trying to get through to him but it is awful to see how "zombie" like he has become.

To anyone reading this, the one huge regret I have is taking the psych advice I was given when we first discovered he was experimenting with drugs. They told us he was a teenager and had to be allowed to make some mistakes. That I was too controlling, and that I should step back and give him a chance to grow up and take responsibility for himself. That many young teens experiment with drugs and alcohol and "it does them no long-term harm", etc. If I could get my hands on the school psychologist who saw my son at the age of 12 I would happily strangle her.

OMG maryz - I would be right there with you, believe me. I wish I could make some sensible suggestions, but it sounds as if you have tried everything and everybody.

I do remember locking all the phones/valuables/saleable items in the boot of the car and locking ds in the house, then being terrified to leave in case there was a fire and he couldn't get out. It was the threat of police/detention centre that turned things around, but I think I realised what was going on early enough to intervene.

It is the loneliest place in the world to be when you see your child being destroyed and you feel so helpless.

I know it is a long shot, but have you considered writing to your MP? Do you have a friend or relative abroad that might take him? Where does he get the money to buy the drugs?

I've not told anyone about this problem but there seem to be extremes of parents - some would be shocked if I told them and wouldn't even consider that their children would ever touch drugs at 14 and don't realise they are everywhere.

Others seem to think it is normal for their 14/15 year olds to drink alcohol, hang around parks and dabble with drugs.

Can some teenagers just have the odd little bit of cannabis and then leave it for a few months?Is it just a minority that get addicted and do they get addicted to the skunk variety or the milder stuff? I think if they start with skunk they are finished anyway.

I've told my son he has to invite his friends round here and he is going to be dropped off and picked up everywhere he goes. He even had to prove he was at the cinema last week by coming out and waving down at us in the foyer (whilst we were picking up our younger son).

He won't invite his friends round which proves to me they can't get up to what they want when they are here.

He came home late from school two evenings this week (6.30ish when he finishes at 2.50)and said he was at sports both evenings when he doesn't do sports usually.

I had to ring the PE teacher to find out he was at neither.

I am sure he had something as he looked slightly glassy eyed. He was up to no good anyway otherwise he wouldn't have lied.

I was told by a drugs line that if they come home late enough after taking cannabis parents won't notice it at all.

It's going to be a battle as I will have to know his every move if at all possible and he can't be trusted if he is lying.

I heard something on tv this morning which totally horrified me - some dealers are lacing cannabis with heroin.