Deteriorating relationship with 13 year old daughter- advice needed please. Sorry-long.

[mycatunderstandsme]

The title says it all really. I wonder if I am pressurising/helping her too much with schoolwork. She seems to have a lot of school tests and I generally help her to revise because she asks me to, but as soon as we sit down to work she is rude/speaks over me/stroppy etc etc.I have asked her if she wants to work alone but she says no. It always ends in an argument. My DD is a reasonably bright girl in most of the top sets at a high achieving comprehensive-I am worried that if I don't help her-she will do no revision and she will be moved down. I do know that she has to want to do well for herself but it is hard to see her not achieving her potential. As a background we adopted her while she was at primary school and she had missed a lot of school so we've put a lot of time and effort in to help her catch up-maybe she's just had enough!

Any advice welcome!

[stellsie]

You sound like you are a very kind mum who just wants the best for her daughter - the situation sounds similar to me and my daughter, (although mine is almost 11). I dont have any answers, as I am still trying to work out why my DD gets so grumpy and touchy with me when I am trying to 'help' her with homework (when she too has asked for help!). Is there a study support club she could go to? Or is that just for younger children? (my DD has a study support club, for years 5-8 - she is at middle school). However, she doesnt actually want to go!! As she says it is uncool

I think maybe you need to relax just a little and see what happens with her results etc,

Good Luck!

xx

[mycatunderstandsme]

Thanks Stellsie, unfortunately there is no homework club except for the children who are struggling.
Also I think they rely on parents to help as work is very rarely marked and often full of mistakes-especially science.
I suspect the majority of children in top sets have parents who help with revision.
School is supposedly outstanding although lack of marking was mentioned so hopefully this will improve in the future. I think I will leave her to her own devices but I'm fairly sure her grades will drop substantially and I suspect she won't care.

[cory]

Sensitive situation; I remember ending up in arguments with my mum over work. Just the stress of the situation, no real reason.

[MotherOfGirls]

My DD is also 13 and also does this. She boards at school in term time (we are a forces family and so move around a lot) so I am off the hook with regard to day to day homework but in the holidays if she has work or revision she asks for help and then makes it difficult. I think she knows she should work (she is generally bright and consciencious) but resents it as well so it helps to have me there to take it out on! I am hanging on in there and trying to break it up into manageble periods of time with something fun to do afterwards but then, as I say, I don't have it every day.

I think 13 is an incredibly difficult age for girls and I think maybe other frustrations and emotions get tied up with the homework thing. I just keep remembering how foul I was at her age and being grateful she's not that bad!

[mycatunderstandsme]

It's good to know I'm not alone-I suspect it will be like this for the next few years!

She was reasonably pleasant when she went off to school this morning. I guess I should be grateful for that!

[bagsforlife]

Just because she is being foul and crabby doesn't mean to say she isn't secretly pleased you are helping/supporting her.

Teens are very obtuse. Try not helping for a few days, she'll probably either sort it out herself or have to come and ask you nicely!

I remember being vile to my mum when she helped me with my Latin, then she went away for a few days and I couldn't do it by myself....so your daughter needs to be able to learn to work by herself too.

It is very hard, though, I know to stand back and just let them get on with it.

[notsoclever]

Hi mycat,

It is such a bizarre time when teenagers are growing up. It seems like they want your help, then when you give it to them they reject it. I guess it is all down to that funny stage of testing boundaries, becoming their own person, not wanting to rely on you, but still actually needing you (a lot).

One of my dds found it really difficult at that age. When she was younger, testing her on school work seemed like a game to her, then once she was a teenager, anything she got wrong she seemed to take as a criticism (even when we were doing nothing different).

Personally I was at my wort when I was 17 and learning to drive. I hated sitting in the car having to be told what to do by my Mum. They gave up so much time to help me learn and I was a complete cow in return!

[mamhaf]

This is absolutely normal behaviour for a girl of her age - my dd, almost 13, is exactly the same and much worse if she's premenstrual.

Whatever I say or do is wrong. I try to set boundaries so that if she''s cheeky or rude I withdraw and ask her to come back when she's in a better mood.

Sometimes I feel she needs to have a good cry before she feels better and settles down.

Stressful though, isn't it?