why does my dd have such low confidence in her abilities?

[brimfull]

she is a bright girl but holds back because she is frightened of failing.
School have approached her to apply for Oxbridge but she is adamant she is not clever enough to get the results needed.

Tried telling her that with a negative attitude about her abilities she will hold herself back.

Obviously I will not encourage her to do something she feels isn't right but it bothers us that she is lacking in confidence about her ability in school.
This has been a recurring theme throughout school ,she has alwasy done well despite but it seems to have come to a head now she is doing A levels.
She seems to be too scared to set herself goals because she's frightened of not reaching them.

Any advice?

[smudgethepuppydog]

I wish I had the answer to that one because then I could help my DS who is a very bright lad but thinks he's not.

[brimfull]

Even her friends tell her fgs!

have ordered Paul Mckenna's Instant Confidence.

[mumeeee]

DD2 19 is a bit like that.
She didn't get into the unies of her chouce last year so gave up a bit.
She came out of college with 2 A's and a C. Better than she thought she would
She is now appling to go next year and her attitude is changing a bit altough she does still say she won't get in. |Dh and I have
found that it is best not to tell her her negative attitude holds her back as it just comes across to her that we think she is a failure.
We just keep on teling her that she can do things and that we love her what ever she chooses to do.

[brimfull]

mumeeeee-shite,have to rethink what I say to her now,you've made me think.
I know she doesn't think she's a failure or that we think she is..but I am sure that's a fear of hers
Have told her that we don't expect straight A's ,just that she tries her best.

Am I being too pushy by saying that?

Actually wish I had been pushed a bit more by my parents.

[brimfull]

bumping for evening crowd

[notsoclever]

Hi ggirl,

My dd1 was like this - although she was bright and able, there were lots of things that she wouldn't even attempt because her fear of failure, and of disappointing us, was so high.

She got good grades and went to uni, (didn't even apply to art college because she had to take her portfolio and have an interview, and they might reject her!) but the lack of structure didn't seem to suit her and she left. She has had a job for 2 years and it has been so good for her. She has found out independently that there are lots of things that she is good at. She told me recently that when she first went to work she was so shy that she hardly spoke to anyone for the first 6 months. Now she is applying for new jobs - a process that involves lots of potential rejection, but she seems to be coping with it well.

We have constantly told dd that we only wanted her to do what made her happy, but when she was younger she would always look for reassurance that she wasn't letting us down. I think that the peer competitiveness of the "age and stage" related structure of education can be difficult for teenagers who are quiet or shy or lacking in confidence.

Sorry I have no advice, but if she is anything like my dd, it will get better as she gets older and has experiences outside of the family and school that reinforce the positive messages that you are giving her.

[brimfull]

Smudge-how old is your ds?

notsoclever(ironic name ?)-Thanks that's really nice to know.

Glad your dd is doing so well now.
One thing I think would really help dd is if she had some sort of clue what she'd like to do as a career or even just to study.She's wary of committing herself to one area ie.music or maths for eg.

Anyayw got the Paul McKenna book for what it's worth..just have to wait and see if she actually reads it

[bagsforlife]

Why doesn't she apply to university the year after A levels?

Then she can get her grades without any pressure (and will prob get the 3 As). She will then have a lot more confidence in her ability.

My older DCs are the same. Now they are at university, they can actually see that they are pretty bright compared to some others. They wouldn't even consider doing Oxbridge either, (although others less bright at their school did have a go).

Is she at a high achieving school? Sometimes a lot of the pupils who are perceived by the rest of the pupils to be extra brainy find it quite hard to keep up the expectations (like your DD), and then there are others who are so confident they give the illusion that they ARE top of the pile, when probably they are not.

(I know what you mean about not being 'pushed' yourself. I was like that and have always been determined to give my DCs the confidence I never had. However, doesn't always work!)

[brimfull]

She is considering a gap year but you still need to apply .Never thought about actually delaying the applying bit..good idea..that would certainly take the pressure off her.

Her school is a comprehensive and yes I think there is an expectation of her as she's in a peer group of some really bariny kids and I think she feels like she's not up to their level.

[mumeeee]

Hi ggirl. I don't think you are being to pushy by saying that your just want her to do her best. We have said that to DD2 and we have also said that we want her to do what she wants to and we will support her in anything she decides.
As I have said she is now applying for university this year and it has taken the pressure off her. She now knows what grades she has and could put them down on the ucas application form. She was able to apply through her college even though she is not still there.
It meant she could go in and talk to het tutors and ask their advice without them hasling her for her asignments.
She is also doing more musical theatre and dance stuff this year so could put tht down on the form.
Would your DD#s school be willing to help her apply after she has left School?
Hope you can understand this.

[lljkk]

I think low self-esteem is pretty normal for teens (still needs addressing, of course).

Would she listen to this logic: What does she have to lose? Lots of people apply to Oxbridge and don't get in, no shame in it.

Damn, I read a terrific book (fiction) about a teen girl who applies to Oxford and struggles with it. I suspect all the relevant issues would be in there. Can I remember what book was called? Can I b*ggery... Maybe I'll look at my library borrower record later.

[Tortington]

i think you need to ask her a series of questions.

if you apply for oxbridge, and you get rejected, what would happen then?

[duchesse]

Can only speak for myself and my friends, but all of us without exception felt that we had somehow got into Cambridge by accident.

[bagsforlife]

Yes, I am sure you are right Duchesse.

She can apply to university after she leaves school while she is on her Gap year. Some at my DCs school have done that. She just applies as she would if she were still at school, either through the school again or as an independent applicant. The school will still do her academic reference I am sure.

So she would get her A level results in the August but have to get any Oxbridge application in by October of that year (plus her other choices), or if not applying to Oxbridge by the following January.

Alternatively she could apply this year and if she doesn't get the grades, she can always not go and re-apply next year.

[MuppetsMuggle]

I was like this when i was younger, and TBH my GCSE results were not as good as i hoped as my mother put me under soo much pressure to succeed if that makes sense. (which she will admit to now) In some areas of my life my confidence is at an all time low, my DP and family all tell me i can do it. I'm proving i can do it, as at 26 i've gone back to education, studying law, and proud of myself for the goals i've acheived so far, and i know i can do more in time.

[spangle1]

As was said above, I think a lot of this can be down the the education system which constantly assesses children and seems to define them by the level they achieve.

My son is in a peer group of some very able children and he has come home today gutted because he feels that he is not good enough at anything. Children do define themselves by their peers and this is very hard to counteract as a parent.

We continually tell him how proud we are of him, not just for his achievements at school but as a rounded, caring, hardworking person. I think this is all we can do.

Find it particularly hard to balance in our house as his sister shines effortlessly at school and he is very aware of that. So difficult to celebrate her achievements without making him feel inadequate. Any thoughts on addressing this would be gratefully received!!