10yos+ who are behaving in teenage fashion, can we have a support thread?

[WideWebWitch]

Hi I have a ds who is 10.8 yo and have been reading Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town. I only re started reading it this morning but already I've understood some things. Ds kicked off tonight when his dad (we're divorced, amicably, he has him every other weekend) came to collect him. The book says tantrums are all about wanting to hang onto being a baby because for teenagers it's terrifying approaching adulthood and responsibility so they regularly retreat into baby-ish childish behaviour but only with their parents. Apparently the way they behave outside the home is the best indicator of general behaviour. Atm I'm relieved because ds is well behaved outside but just wondered if anyone else had any strategies for dealing with nearly teens?

[scaryteacher]

I find teasing and grinning at my 12yo ds helps. Sometimes I mimic his behaviour back to him (have been known to do it in public as well) and that cracks him up. I sometimes look at him and say 'is it an eat worms day?' and he grins and nods and tells me what's up.

Keep talking to him and reassure him that we all went through it. A hug a day for security is imperative as well.

Sometimes you just have to let them strop and go and do something else whilst they get over it. Hang in there...mine is 2 years older than yours (he may make 13 in October if he's good) and I am beginning to see light at then end of the tunnel...or ot could be the calm before the storm.

[Remotew]

Make them laugh, make them laugh. I believe that a great sense of humour can go along way, especially with boys, they will go with the non communication years soon and if you can break down a couple of barriers with a bit of open humour, all the better. Also show them that you are not so out of touch and speak to them as equals once in a while.

Even a little bit of sex talk is not so bad, you know jokes etc, make them feel that you are accepting that they are growing up, even shock them in a jokey way, if they recoil in horror then try a different tact. Good luck.

[Tinker]

When I remember to do it, I find talking in a really hammy, earnest speaking-to-my-therapist American accent saying eg "Honey, I can totally see why you're so upset" etc defuses. Sometimes.

[MaureenMLove]

It really is a horribe time for that age. Probably moving from being the top of the school at primary and worrying or being apprehensive about secondary this year or next. I have a yr 7 dd now and yes, the last year of primary was particularly tough, but as long as you try to remember what must be going on in their little heads, you're half way there. I can't begin to imagine the angst in there! Its true, what you said though. DD is a PITA at times in doors, but I always have good reports from school and other adults about how wonderful she is.

Hang in there, you sound like a lovely mum, to be considering his feelings and trying to understand is outbursts rather than just right him off as a bad'un!

[cremolafoam]

Oh dd 12 is a big brat atm.she is driving me up the wall.going through a complete communication stonewall.
yesterday i collected her from school as a favour. she got in the back and never once spoke to me the whole way home. i was in the front wittering away
how was your day?
what did you do in PE?
is anyone else going to guide camp?
grunt
she just looked intensly into my eyes in the rear view mirror.
finally she piped up about having to have a pair of black converse allstars or vans maybe. yes vans they will go wiith my skinny jeans blah blah blah
she just totally ignored me.i felt raging about the shoes.it got worse as the day progressed when she answered her mobile phone ( while we were discussing dinner)and did a 'talk to the hand' gesture while she answered it.
she has turned into a great lazy lump and can't do anything without an obligatory

[SueW]

Crumbs I would take DD's phone off her if she did that. Actually, I'd warn her first time and tell that if she ever did it again, I would remove the phone from her hand mid-conversation, tell her friend to speak to her at school because I was confiscating her phone for 48 hours for rudeness.

DD's 11yo. We've had moments but so far she's responded well.

[cremolafoam]

Don't worry phone removed.
dh taken charge today to give me a break_ well I am at work actually,
but he is getting her to rebuild her treehouse with his help.she has totally disengaged herself from us and he is bril;liantly trying to to inclusive things with her.
I heart him today

[handmedownqueen]

Thank God its not just me. my eldest 11.5 ds has just become an absolute nightmare - tantrums, hurling things, refusing to eat, bullying his younger siblings, tears, it goes on. He has been so perfect up till now, has passed his 11 plus well about to go to the school he really wanted.

Me and dh are so frustrated, we have a really got life with lots of sport and outdoor fun ,now suddenly ds is ruining everyones time at home and the poor babies of 1 and 2 are really traumatised by him.

what to do apart from grin and bear it? humour? sending him to bed? punishment? ignoring it? trying to be understanding?HELP!!!

[PrimulaVeris]

Our dd aged 12 having massive teenage attitude and strops nowadays, as are most of her friends.

Sometimes it is such hard work and can make me cry. But at other times - totally unexpected - she can be so lovely and we have the most fantastic deep chats about so many things.

[piggypoohsmum]

Just reaching that stage with DD 11.7 (going on 15yrs!!)
stopped the grunting by grunting back. stopped the woteva by wotevering back.
As soon as she starts tantruming i find going 'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAh WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh' or 'oh look out hissy fit alert' usually deflects the tension that could build up. She too does it to me when i am having a hissy fit (PMS).
had a long chat and explained how hurtful it was when she blanked me or grunted at me. Also childishly gave her the 'give a shit' attitude for a whole week, havent seen it back since so must have gotten through.
She doesnt always want to discuss things with me, although we have a very good relationship and so she will discuss with my sister.
other than the typical hormone surges she is a polite and pleasant dd and i am very proud of her considering all the shit she has had to go through in her 11.7 years.

[MaryAnnSingleton]

am glad you started this thread WWW !
ds is just 11 and for most of the time is a sweetie, completely lovely in other people's company but given to occassional pre-teen huffiness, harrumphing, eye rolling etc. I usually get round him by making him laugh and as scaryteacher says, mimicing him - usually works !
Today dh showed him a you tube video of Harry Enfield's Kevin turning into a teenager to illustrate what we are up against