Kids who could never make friends

[lifesteeth]

My 8 year old has no friends, he is constantly ridiculed, called names and bossed around. One kid that used to be his friend is now constantly picking on him, my son made a new best friend and they were best friends for ages but then this friends mum became good friends with my sons "tormentors" mum and now those two are inseperable which completely pushes my son out on his own.

Things have pretty much always been like this for him ever since nursery...what I'm wondering is, is it likely to continue all the way through school? those of you with older kids, where yours ever like this and did they get through it ok?

I have visions of my DS as a depressed and withdrawn 15 year old wanting to end it all and its scaring me.

[rantinghousewife]

Bumping for you, ds was picked on but, lucky enough to have a small set of reliable friends. Is this happening at school, if so have you spoken to them?

[brimfull]

why is your ds ridiculed constantly and bossed around.Feeling very sad for your ds,is there anyway his confidence could be boosted?

[HuwEdwards]

I think you should maybe go in and discuss with ds teacher..

[lifesteeth]

Have spoken to the school many, many times...it's just continuous. The boys rip the mick out of him, sometimes hit him and call him names and the girls roll their eyes at him and order him to open doors for them etc I have told him that if anyone hits him during class he should just walk out and explain to the teacher that he does not have to stay where he is being hit and they should call me to discuss it.

We're hoping to move next year which will involve a move to a nicer school thank god.

He started Karate tonight which I hope will boost him up a bit, I'm just hoping that once he starts secondry school he will meet similar people to himself and be able to form friendships.

[brimfull]

I hope the karate helps him,is there no one you could invite over for tea after school?
I find it really sad that the school cannot do more to help him

I am sure there will be children at senior school who he will have things in common with ,but it's a few years off yet .

[potoftea]

This must be heartbreaking for you.

I think the karate is a great idea as it might give him some physical confidence as well as a chance to make new friends.

I think any out of school activities he could get involved with like sports or cubs or whatever, would be a big help to him.

The school is way out of line too though, the child is there to be cared for as well as educated, and they are failing him badly.

[ViciousSquirrelSpotter]

I would agree with the advice that after school clubs are a good thing - away from the tribal environment of the playground, he can make friends who aren't part of that. Plus being able to do stuff - music, karate, athletics, whatever - that kids in his class can't do, will boost his confidence and might help his overall mien in school.

[luckylady74]

i too have this fear lifesteeth - my ds1 has aspergers syndrome which means he's hugely lacking in social skills, he's 5 and he's fine in school at the moment, but from listening to parents at the support group i go to bullying is a very likely part of his future and i'm really worried for him.
myself and dh have so far come up with these ideas if the situation arises and is continual like your poor ds. home education is something i would do though the financial strain would be big, i've met home ed kids and i can see rewards in it.
trying to get a job in his school so we can keep a close eye on him - not as ridiculous as it sounds as we've both worked in education before.
changing schools.
the school have created circles of friends and year 6 playground buddies. they then hopefully transfer to 'big' school with a supportive group of friends. have you challenged the school to enginneer support networks for him?
do you think your ds has any issues that an ed psch couuld help him with? my ds's teacher gets advice form the inclusion support service and speech therapist on how to improve his social skills - a lot of this actually involves the rest of his class in activities about being good friends and so on.
i really empathise with your last comment about your ds at 15 - it's my worst fear.
perhaps there are helpful books about dealing with bullying or making friends?
hope you find some answers.

[lijaco15]

I have had a similar experience with my son when he was in primary school. He is now 15 years old. He had such a terrible time at primary school. He had no confidence , was left out and found it very difficult to make friends. He ended up in year 6 not wanting to go into school. He would lock himself in the bathroom, have night terrors every single night. In the end I took him out of school and home educated for nearly a year. He rejoined school in year 8 at secondary school. He is now a very grounded tenager. He now goes to the gym and trains. He is around 6feet 2 inches. He knows how to look confident even though he is still a very quiet shy person. He is doing exams and hoping to become a bricky. He only has a couple of friends but they are good ones. On the positive he does not hang about with gangs on the street. He seems very sensible. He was able to turn things around where I was worried to death that he would not be able to cope as he grew up. I think a change of school would be a good idea. I would have done if I would have realised how bad things would become. Year 6 for my son wasn't a good year to change. My son was exactly the same all the way from nursery age.

[NoodleStroodle]

DD (9) seems to have few friends. Sometimes this seems to bother her and sometimes not. She spends every available moment reading - but I can't work out if her reading is a barrier to making friends or she reads so much because she has few friends - the few friends she does have seem genuinely fond of her and accept her for being a little eccentric. I think perhaps she is like me and hates doing anything in large groups - more than 3 people and I begin to panic...

Anyway having hijacked the thread - lifesteeth I think the change of school is key and I hope the karate goes well too. Are there any other out of school clubs he could join like Cubs or youth groups etc?

[themoon66]

My DS is a loner. He too took up karate at aged 8 and it did wonders for him. He has a whole group of mates away from school now. He is now 15.

He now hangs out at school with only two or three other boys.... all of them very intelligent and 'geeky'. He says he is happy with the situation, but I still worry. He has never had anyone round the house to socialise since he was about 6 years old.

[lifesteeth]

Thanks for all the replies.

My DS lacks social skills and I sometimes wonder if there is something else wrong, he gets obsessed with stuff (the latest one being "the sims 2") and he goes on and on about the subject to anyone who will listen even going as far as to use the games language in real life situations for instance he would say to someone "I need to sit down as my comfort is on red", he think's its funny but the other kids don't understand him, tell him to shut up or just say "whatever" and walk away from him.

This morning wasn't very nice, the year group went on a school trip and all the kids were walking down towards the coaches in pairs (parents stood on the grass verge ready to wave them off) and they all looked really excited with each other, then right at the back of the group came my DS with a parent helper and his daughter, turns out nobody wanted to be his partner so he was paired up with the parent helpers daughter who was whinging that she didn't want him being her parner .

As they started getting on the bus they all pushed my DS to the back and moaned that he was pushing in when all he was doing was trying to get to his "partner".

I went to work in a right mood because of it, I'm just so sick of it.

The school are a bit useless, the head tried to make out that his lack of friends was his own fault because he "annoys people", they did set up a "Buddy" for him but this kid isnt even in his class and my son can longer play with him anyway as he's now best friends with the bully that's always getting at my son.

[dontwanttogetoutofbed]

do you ask you son how he feels about the situation?

[lifesteeth]

yes he says it upsets him because nobody likes him and he can't wait to change schools.

[Peachy]

Hi

I have a son with AS / HFA but he is fortunate (?) enough to be super arrogant and doesnt relaise when he gets all this treatment.

You said you sometimes wonder if something si wrong- if thats true, you should consider having a chat with you GP (schools are too 'involved' ime) and get a referral. At least you will get some answers I think, and maybe put your mind at rest.

I do wonder if some of the educational resources used for AS children would help your sons social skills? They work with a great many children who are struggling in this way.

My guess at 8 is that social storeies / carttons would be the best approach for him- they reduce social situatiosn down to key moments and help people identify what they should be doing / how they should be behaving.

If this si something you feel would work, Amazon have some titles in at the moment.

School are beings seriously out of order here, if there's not a local one you can switch to (my honest advice- and I have been through the mill with school too), cnsider aroaching kidscape (a bullying charity) or even writinga strong letter to your LEA- that can move mountains ime. Also, consider your MP or similar (I am not sure where you live- here in wales my AM has been fantastic).


Good luck X

[rantinghousewife]

Lifesteeth that the head of your ds's school thinks it's your ds's fault. Tbh they sound totally incompetant, regardless of the fact that you are moving, they really need to do something to help the situation and now. I would tell the head that it needs to be dealt with and properly, check their anti bullying policy and if s/he is not dealing with it, you will speak to the governors. It is not acceptable for your child to be treated this way, it could really damage his confidence.
I think the karate lessons are a brilliant idea of yours, will help build some confidence, good luck.

[chocolateteapot]

What a rubbish reaction from the school Can I recommend a book called "the Unwritten Rules of Friendship" by Natalie Madorsky Elman & Elieen Kennedy-Moore. My DD is 8 and has dyspraxia. I've found that there is help for the physical aspect, help for the educational aspect, but help for the social aspect is limited. I haven't gone through the whole book yet as I get really depressed thinking about it, but there are some bits that I have found very helpful eg. to help them work out how much space to leave between people get them to stand with a hoop around their tummy, holding onto the sides. You do the same, then stand next to each so the hoops just touch, that's roughly the right amount of space to leave. I think that was it, it's a long time since I read that bit.

And it says things like don't teach them to go over and ask "can I play" as it gives the other children the chance to say an outright no. Better apparently is to hang around on the sidelines, then kick the ball back in when it heads their way etc.

[wheniamqueen]

I had that problem when i was 7, when my mum went into school the head teacher told her that 7yr old girls cant bully and that i was being silly! I know that was 14 yrs ago but come on....7 yr old girls are the best bullys. Anyway i ended up moving schools at the last minute as refused to go back after the holidays, that worked for a while but i think i was just to eagar to please and by the time i was 9 it had started again. I just got my head down, read a lot and looked forward to secondary school.....but it all happened again, however by the time i was 14 i just rose above it, adults liked me but girls my age didnt. In my opinion it was the best thing for me, I mde friends outside of school, became interested in music and found myself without following what all the other girls did, the irony being that by 6th form everyone was nice to me, being 'rock' was popular, the same bands they had bullied me about liking in yr 9 they were all now listening to. I think the best thing is to get involved with activities outside of school and meet new people that way, having something in common with people ie Karate is a much better way to make friends than just being shoved in a class together. (sorry this turned into a little personal rant)

[MamaiBear]

Lifesteeth if you’re still on here how did things turn out for your son?? My son is having similar issues you describe here