Teenage Girls

[JW0173]

Hi All

Sorry but Im not up on the abbreviations yet so please excuse. My wife and I have a 15 year old daughter and we are having more and more problems with her. She recently came out and seems to be having an on off relationship with a girl a year older.

This will be her GCSE year, and really want her to do well. I attend all the school events and I am trying my best to make her see this year is so crucial to her future.

She went out last night to a party (16th) and had some alcohol. I was suppose to pick her up from the party, I got a text to pick her up from MacDonalds which I did. When I arrived she was very upset, crying hysterically about the other girl and how she hates her and she was arguing with her. This is not the first time this has happened so I casually told her that maybe she may need new friends as she seems unhappy. This just transpired to it being my fault and I don't understand. This argument continued and then just shut up.

This morning was no better and she says she doesn't want us to get involved in her life and she wants nothing to do with us. She was laughing with that horrible attitude. My reply was that I would remove her money she gets and her phone I pay for, and will remove all the lifts she gets off me.

How do folk deal with this as the more I go one way she will go the other. Im not prepared to let her do what she wants as my morals and values will just not allow me to do that.

[BertrandRussell]

What do you want from her?

[TheSecondOfHerName]

Do:
Listen supportively.
Offer lifts when needed.
Provide money (within reason).
Let them face the consequences of their actions.

Don't:
Rescue them from every set-back.
Offer any advice (unless they specifically ask for it, which they won't).
Make conversation with their friends.
Mention or tag them on social media.

[TheSecondOfHerName]

I casually told her that maybe she may need new friends as she seems unhappy

This could be interpreted as offering advice.

[JW0173]

Usual could you expand a bit more on what you mean please.

Bert We just want her to treat our wishes with a bit more respect we give her freedom to be a teenager but like everything else there are boundaries (just as there are in life). If anyone can suggest how to attain this without removing the nice things that would be great

[JW0173]

The worry for us is that this is happening in her GCSE year.

How do you maintain a level of responsibility for them

[TheSecondOfHerName]

I would try to avoid entering into an argument with her, and when she's upset is not the best time to enter into any type of discussion.

[JW0173]

Usual

I suppose its more of a case of us being upset that she has no respect for what we want or say and is still happy to have the nice things. I take it as my responsibility to make sure they keep on the "right" side and some of her behaviour is edging the other way . Obviously what I find unacceptable some will find acceptable and vice versa, its where as a parent do you let your values and beliefs go

[BertrandRussell]

"Bert We just want her to treat our wishes with a bit more respect"

Sorry- I don't understand this. What do you want her to do specifically thAt she doesn't?

[TheSecondOfHerName]

This is how I have handled a recent issue:

16 year old planned to go to a party small social gathering at a friend's house and then stay over. All fine so far.

Arrived home at 7am. It turned out that four of them had wandered around town until 3am and then slept on benches in the local park. This is not acceptable to me. Firstly, not being where you said you'd be. Secondly, disregard for personal safety.

However, I said nothing at the time. I let the teenager go to bed, get six hours sleep, get up and eat some food. Then I calmly explained my concerns. The teenager agreed that it wasn't the best idea. We agreed on mutually acceptable rules going forward.

I am not a perfect parent, far from it. I still fail to pick my battles, and apparently I have a tendency to be interfering and micro-managing when it comes to schoolwork. I shared the above story as an example of a time when parenting a teenager went well.

[Frustratedmamabear]

JW - firstly I come at this having dealt with far worse so I probably am more liberal as picking battles has been a minefield.
So things I've learnt along the way:-

Timing is everything - potentially hungover, tired and emotional, this morning might not have been a good learning moment.
At their worst, consider them as very big toddlers - they use words to get reactions but they don't really think about the consequences. I often finding saying little at the time, walking away and letting DS get to his own conclusions works far more effectively.
Find the good - she called when she said she would, although she's struggling with the words, she is talking to you. It's bloody hard when they are being demanding and rejecting you at the same time but helps with your sanity.
Take plenty of time out for you and wife - protect your marriage
Find some support for her - local LGBT group or helpline - don't force it on her just maybe leave a leaflet for her? Not my area of expertise but an idea?
Humour - above all else! My son is a PITA in the mornings, I work really hard at starting the day well with stupid notes and texts, funny voices to wake him..
Use tech - when he's being an eejit, I tend to text him "sorry we can't talk well right now. It's not ok you did x but I love you loads and let me know when we can have a positive chat about this to figure out how we go forward" type of thing does wonders.

Just some ideas for you.. Hang on in there, we were both at suicidal points 2 years ago, we have an amazing relationship now.

[JW0173]

Frustratedmamabear. Thank you very much will take this on board. We are getting this on two levels. On 15 and one nearly 18 who has been through the CAMHS, support route and it nearly broke us.

Now with the 15 year old she is throwing the line "its ok with ?????"
"????? would get away with it"

We were hoping she would take the bad time with number 1 as some incentive as she seen how it affected us asa family

[JW0173]

Bert hanging around in places we really don't want her to be. Coming home at a time we think is quite reasonable and not her time. We don't think (and it maybe wrong) being out on the street at midnight just because her older friends can, is acceptable. Not really "switching on" since returning back to school

If I'm being unreasonable or battling something I'm never going to win could you advise on how to come to some common ground

[misshelena]

JW, Teenagers are hard. I have two myself -- dd1 16yo and dd2 13yo.
But it's not easy for them either. Their bodies are going through dramatic changes and hormones are making them feel crazy. And in the case of your daughter, she is dealing with being gay in addition to the usual teenage stuff. So try not to take what she says personally. When she tells you she hates you, she doesn't really, etc.
The behavior you describe seems fairly normal for teens. But that doesn't mean that you have to tolerate her disrespect. You are her father and she owes you basic respect.
I would advise you talk about this when she's had a good night's sleep and is calm. Tell her that it breaks your heart to see her so upset and angry. You want to help her because you love her, and also because it is your job as her parent to help her. But you don't know how to. Discuss with her how you could help. You can suggest a few things and ask for her input.
I guess what I am saying is 1)tell her how it hurts you to see your baby suffer, 2)admit that you don't really know how to help her and 3)make her your partner in coming up with ways to help her lead a calmer life.
I don't know if this will work, but it may be worth a try. Teens, and people in general, tend to feel more committed to doing something if they've had input in coming up with it in the first place. Good luck to both of you!

[sbeddy]

Hi there, I have a 16 year old daughter who has completely changed over the last 12 months..she had a best friend but had a fall out with her, causing my daughter to think she has got no friends anymore as everything revolved around the person..she has got back with her now and they are close friends but not like before. She has had a boy as a friend who she talks to a lot, she says he comforts her. I feel since this incident my daughter has really changed, like her bubbly personality has gone, she's not happy anymore and has got low self esteem. The past few months she has been having mini break downs to the point of hating everyone and even herself. I have had to go into school with her as she has started having anxiety..she has now had to start having student support ie as some of her lessons in a very small group as she feels she can't hack being around everyone. A few of weeks ago she has started to hear whispering ( voices) so I took her to the Dr's, they have referred her to some talking therapy, we're still waiting. Is there anything I can do as a mum to help her as I'm really worried for her, she has started loosing weight too so that's worrying her now.. she has just turned 16 and last week after her birthday she came back with 3 piecing, she knew how strongly we felt about having it done but went regardless. She never seems happy at the min always sad and miserable despite everything she has. any suggestions.

[RockinHippy]

@Sbeddy

Please ask your GP to run some blood tests for your DD, what you describe could be B12 deficiency, or maybe Folate deficiency which is similar & linked. Serum B12 isn't a standard blood test & our experience has been that too many Doctors have little, or no understanding of it at all & don't think to test for it, plus they don't understand the results either. I will add a link for you tomorrow

JW, good luck, its tough, but you have good advice above

[RockinHippy]

sbeddy - THIS IS YOUR INFO LINK