17yr old was hit by car last year at festival-pay for him go this year??

[everlysu]

Briefly, my son went to tramlines in Sheffield last year with friends (16, almost 17 at the time). The gigs are at different locations around the city, and we weren't too keen on him drinking and walking around, to the point where my dh even said his concern was ds getting hit by a car.
Which I thought was dh being dramatic, but ds was hit by a car on the first night. His friends took him to the hospital, had his head glued, loads of cuts and bruises on his body and face but he stayed in Sheffield and continued going around the festival. Didn't tell us so we got a huge shock when he walked in the door on the Monday night!

So now ds is 17, turns 18 in 2 weeks. He just finished 6th form and has been looking for a pt job until uni, as well as staying up late playing ps and lying in until the afternoon.

Dh told ds we wouldn't be giving him any money for the festival (ticket, hotel, transport, food etc) so if he wanted to go he would have to pay for himself.
Ds borrowed the money from his gf for the ticket, and now he needs money to book the hotel.
He finally got a job at a supermarket last week, but only starts next week, so not in time to have money for the hotel.

Dh will not lend ds the money because he doesn't want him to go. He is sure something terrible will happen based on what happened last year.

I feel conflicted. He is almost 18 and if he had the money himself we wouldn't be able to stop him. But he doesn't. He is asking to borrow, not us to pay. I would like ds to be able to go with all his friends and have a good time, but of course dh keeps going on about it will be my fault if something happens if I've lent him the money and I am scared too.

Everytime ds comes out of his room he looks sad saying he will have to sell the ticket now and how much he had been looking forward to it but we are stopping him. But then dh says if he had his own money we wouldn't be able to stop him, but we're just not lending it to him.

Are we unfairly stopping him by not lending him the money? I just can't think straight about it in my head now!

[ohjessie]

When did you and your DH tell DS he would have to get a job to pay for the festival? If it was long enough ago for him to have sorted it out then that's his problem. If it was only a couple of weeks ago and he had been assuming you'd pay again, that might be a different story.

I don't think it's fair to not let him go based on last year. Surely it should be about the job/money situation and not what could potentially (and is very unlikely to) happen again.

[MsKite]

Isn't he more likely to be careful crossing the road because of his experience last year?

[everlysu]

Thank you ohjessie. We told him about 6 weeks ago, and he knew when he bought the ticket that we wouldn't be giving him any money for it, however we didn't think of or discuss lending him the money if he got a job but didn't have enough money.

I keep saying to dh that it's a whole year later, it's not fair to keep bringing that up but he keeps reminding me how unlikely I thought it was the first time and he was right!

[everlysu]

That's what I think but dh doesn't trust him with alcohol. He reckons ds has no self control. At NYE his gf rang us to pick them up before midnight, ds was so drunk he couldn't walk.
But since then afaik ds has learnt from that. Dh just doesn't believe it.

[everlysu]

Sorry that last one was to MsKite!

[GlitteryFluff]

6 weeks to find a job is quite a short amount of time tbh, but he's found one, which is great. I would loan him the money (almost an advance on his wages).. However I don't know how I'd approach this if DH didn't agree. I'm not sure how you decide which parent gets their way?
I do think he'd be more careful this year, but I don't know him to know that for sure!

[everlysu]

Thanks GlitteryFluff. I really want to loan ds the money but I don't feel I can go against dh in this. I usually take care of all the kids stuff, but their lives are more complicated now they are teenagers. Also our dd is in an adolescent unit for an eating disorder, she nearly died last year, so I understand dh's fear.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Im not sure that your (or DHs!) fear is a good enough reason not to let him go. I can understand it; all things considered, but he's 18. You will find things that he does scary. He will do stupid things. Hopefully he won't get hit by a car again - I imagine that would be exceptionally unlucky, and he probably learnt a lot from the pain last time!

As he found a job and he can pay you back, I'd offer him the money. It's his decision now and you don't really get a say. Refusing to lend him money because of fear seems very much like a last-ditch attempt to stop him from going. I get it, but you have to let him grow up.

[corythatwas]

Is being hit by a car a risk exclusive to this particular festival, or could it not have happened elsewhere? I very nearly got hit by a car yesterday on my way to work...

In the nicest possible way, I think your dh's worries about your dd are making him irrational at a time when he should be trying to keep things as normal and sane as possible for all your sakes. Understandable, must be a horrible time for you all but not sure it is going to make anybody's life safer. Surely your ds could get drunk and get run over at home with equal ease?

[everlysu]

Thanks so much everyone. I agree that our fears are irrational, and I think dh is using the money situation to control ds when we shouldn't have that control anymore.
I told dh all of this and that I want to lend him the money. Dh has said rather huffily "fine, do what you want, but when something happens it's on you!"
If something does happen I'm sure I couldn't feel worse and whether I lent ds the money or not.

So I've told ds we'll lend him the money.

It's been great to get a different perspective, sometimes with everything going on I can't think straight!

Thanks again.