Don't know what to do - teen pushing luck

[Crappymum4]

I've nc but am a regular.

I'm a single parent to a teen.

Had our ups and downs but recently much more downs.

Kicking off to point of things being thrown, a door broken, screaming shouting.

Kicked off again today. I've talked, discussed, tried to understand why.

I've also grounded, removed pocket money, devices, treats and privileges.

I've spoken to school but my teen won't engage.

Today it's all kicked off again, but I'll admit it was me had enough (an issue that they are already on punishment for they did again AND lying about it).

I've said terrible things I can never take back (so have they).

I've no support (teen won't go to dr) in terms of me saying to my GP they just brush it off as 'typical teen stress'.

No family or friends nearby and don't want to bother them today especially as my 2 closest friends have recently lost their dad's so today tough for them anyway if anything I feel shit for not supporting them today.

I'm currently in a local cafe trying to be invisible because staying at home impossible (teen just keeps getting in my face screaming at me).

I really really don't know what to do.

Help!

[Crappymum4]

Bump

Please help

[heyday]

Teenage years can be tough for both the teenager and the parents. The cycle of constantly getting at each other and pushing each others buttons goes on and on and neither are able to break the cycle. You are the adult and, as hard as it is, it is your behaviour that has to be sorted first. You need a truce, you need to stop arguing about the same stuff. As hard as it is you mustn't go screaming insults at them. Try to do something nice together: A little shopping trip, a pizza and dvd night, a day trip with them choosing the destination! Have a day without confrontation, have an hour just talking, no shouting, no accusations, no demands. Its very rarely all the teenagers fault, I have seen parents out of control many times then wonder why the kids are going mad. Stay in the cafe for a while, go for a walk, whatever it takes to calm down until you can go home, cook a meal in virtual silence and get through this day. These years do pass eventually but, my goodness, they're tough.

[Crappymum4]

Thank you so much for replying (just that made me cry again).

Normally or until very recently I was able to keep relatively calm. That's very hard when the they're throwing things at you, slamming doors in your face and screaming right in your face. Leaving the house is the only way I can stop this as they won't leave me to walk away to calm down.

Weirdly we were mean to be having a day out today. Difficult without going into detail but it was what they did that made that impossible.

I've done numerous truces deals agreements contracts so that now I feel if I do yet another it's just letting them away with the behaviour.

If you can suggest a way for me to do this without being seen by them as backing down I'd be very interested.

As things are now previous truces and so on get thrown in my face as me being 'pathetic' (their word). 'I can do what I like you'll back down anyway' is the attitude I'm dealing with.

[heyday]

I had 3 teenagers at one stage and it was a nightmare. I guess they have to be treated like young adults as much as possible so they need to be included in decision making and drawing up rules of behaviour for the whole family. If they help to devise the expectations then they can also work out a set of consequences for breaking the rules. I work in a school and whilst Punishments are essential, rewards alongside them are just as necessary. A word of thanks from you even for a small acceptable action from them can do wonders. Try to keep your expectations quite low for a while and massively highlight the positives. Negotiate, communicate and try not to solve every problem because you never will. Choose your battles. Stay calm, stay positive, don't let them see how easily they can infuriate you, say kind things to build up their self esteem and they might just respond, even in a small way. Take small steps and expect set backs along the way.

[Crappymum4]

I include in decision making (this is wrong too I'm told 'just decide for me' but then when I do decide what l decide is also wrong!)

Consequences have been discussed and agreed many many times but when I try to implement I get screamed at and stuff thrown at me etc

Reward and thanks - many times a day I say thanks, if I get a cuppa, if they help, if they do homework!

Choosing battles - the thing that happened today has long been an unacceptable thing in my home. As is the lying. They get more freedom than some of their friends (not all) so I thought I had the balance right there.

Although right now I feel like everything I've ever done as a parent is being thrown away.

What you're describing is honestly how I thought I was doing things anyway.

Now I'm not sure if I've been too strict, too weak, expected too much, not expected enough...

I think they may be better off with another mum (ex not a viable option).

if I'd been a non crappy mum we wouldn't be here

[RegentsParkWolf]

You're not a crappy mum - you still care. I've had a very difficult time with one of my teens and have only survived because me and DH supported each other and mostly presented a united front. I have said over and over again that I would never have managed on my own. I don't know what to advise except the old advice of choose your battles, stick to your guns on the most important issues and try not to get drawn into arguments on the rest. Is there any support you can get locally? Maybe another mum who's going though the same?

[Crappymum4]

Things are back to 'normal' teen is fine.

However I feel utterly defeated.

To the point I'm regretting becoming a mum at all. I never thought I'd feel like that especially as dc was over 5 years in the making.

Promises have been made - the same promises that are made every time and I just don't believe them any more.

I'm honestly at point I've almost had enough as in I don't want them here any more.

The reason I haven't done this is because I know I'm still feeling very hurt and angry and I know that's not the time to make a big decision.

Absolutely no support. Yes that's part of the problem. Was deceived into moving to a place I hate years ago (with promises of support) and now trapped financially and in terms of DC's education. Very isolated, insular place.

[sadie9]

You can try saying things like - does it seem fair and reasonable for me to ask you/expect you to empty the dishwasher/that you would put your coat in the cupboard'.
Also, don't dismiss their 'important stuff'. So never say 'get off that stupid youtube' because that's like someone coming in to you and saying 'stop watching that stupid Eastenders and get out and hang that washing out!'
So whatever activity they are doing you must refer to the importance of that to them; eg. I know that live stream is important to you, but I need help with this right now'. Or reassure them you don't have a problem with them doing X Y and Z, but the amount of time spent on it is the problem.
They get very very hurt if we parents belittle how they are spending their time.
I am only a learner at this teenager lark but when I say to mine, what do you think would be fair and reasonable for me to ask of you about X, Y or Z?
When they have calmed down you can ask them is it fair and reasonable for a mother to expect to be shouted and roared at in a really aggressive way? Ask them if they noticed that was happening at the time?
When they choose something themselves they will take on more stuff.
If they are hungry they will be super narky (like at 5pm if dinner is at 7pm).
Anyway - fast forward to me writing your email in 3 years time. You can come back and tell me how things how to do it!

[shiteattheseaside]

Im 25 married and have a child, have a good relationship with my parents. 10 years ago i was this teen. I no its not much and i dont know if ive got much advice, but we did get through it and have a totally different relationship now. The only thing i can honestly say that changed it was me moving out and going to uni and growing up and realising how much my parents actually did for me and how hard it actually is being an adult! Good luck

[Crappymum4]

Sadie this is not about chores or minor irritations.

I expect not to be stolen from, not to have my things wrecked and not to be lied to. That's the deal breakers.

Teen agreed that being grounded this week was fair and reasonable...until half an hour ago when invited out by friends.

I've had enough. I'm worn down the groundings been ignored (physically unable to keep them home far bigger and stronger than me).

It's a few months until they're 16 then they can go. I'm not giving them any more money and I'm taking phone soon as I get chance.

They don't want me disciplining (I've just been told I have no right no matter what they do) as a parent they don't get the nice stuff of me being a parent either.

I don't have the energy to fight them any more.

[Crappymum4]

Oh and apparently if anything I should be grateful they're not doing drugs or having sex. Because not being completely off the rails means I should be ecstatic and giving them the ability to do whatever they want!