Please help with confrontational behaviour

[febel]

Sorry for huge and rambling piece but sitting here in tears and hopelessness again.
Just had ANOTHER huge row with YD (yes, I have posted on here before) We seem to have confrontations and aggression all the time and I don't know what to do. She says she hates being in the house cos I get at her all the time (I really try not to, and her sisters don't think I do)

This one was over money..and power again...over the last few days she has been in my wardrobe and took chocolate, easter eggs , crisps (hide them cos they were special treat crisps for us all to share and she would have eaten ...and did eat them..all herself) Told her she had to replace them. She told me after pay day, I stupidly agreed and then she went out with a friend tonight...spending money. Found out she had taken the cookies I had bought for work and eaten them ("I was on my period") Told her had to be replaced by tomorrow, and she told me "After pay day next week or you aint getting owt at all" (sic) I said the car insurance ended tonight unless she replaced them as I needed them for tomorrow. I am fed up of having to threaten her.

She also owes DH for the car she has been driving around in since the weekend but hasn't "had time" to go to the building society to draw the money out. We have taken the keys and told her she isn't having the car then. (it's his old car, she was buying it for a v cheap price) and we were paying £400 gap insurance til May so she could have 2 years no claims...cos we have insured her on it for 2 years)
DH asked her to make time this Saturday to mend the door she has broken (in temper..her bedroom) she just flat out said "No." Then added" No, why should I? Not my problem. Take it off then, and I will keep you awake cos I won't be able to sleep and will have my i pad on and it will be noisy."

We just don't know what to do. Taking things off her doesn't work. She earns so lack of money won't cut it. (She is 18 by the way and at college) Her sisters were nothing like her at all and we are at a loss as to why she behaves like this. She has now told me that she isn't taking me on my (very belated because she hasn't bothered) birthday meal (from July) cos she can't stand to be with me.

I am so upset, our relationship is zilch. She has told me she will get out asap (though said in temper) and she hates me so much she is "done" with me. She wants no washing, ironing etc doing and rarely eats meals with us anyway..prefers to spend all time at boyfriends with his family. I feel very rejected and a total failure as a parent...and I work with teenagers too so am not a stranger to moodiness and aggression (tho not my favourite sort of behaviour.)

Please help...is there anything we can do to break this cycle , this war or do we just tell her to get out if she hates us so much? She is due to go to uni next Sept but did say she might go to local one (stay near boyfriend?!) and live at home to save money...which I don't think is a good idea as I feel she needs to spread her wings. (and hopefully appreciate her home) I will add, although it's NOT an excuse, she does suffer from anxiety (although you wouldn't know it as she covers it v well and is v in your face..at home and college) and is on sertraline...but I don't think the aggression and confrontation and lack of empathy should be because of this.

[Yorkshirebornandbread]

Sorry no words of wisdom - hopefully she will find somewhere else to live soon. Could you help her look for flats to rent for when she goes to University? Is she angry because she is so anxious? Her anger seems to be outward rather than directed at herself, which is awful for you to be on the receiving end. In mumsnetty hugs x

[febel]

Ah, thank you...she won't talk about uni at all so think that is some of the problem. She shouted this morning she was looking for somewhere to go anyway, and she'd be out. when I say ok she then erupts and challenges me, "SO YOU'RE TELLING ME TO GET OUT THEN?!" (Not sure if she has stopped her meds (has done in the past without mentioning it and without doctor supervision) although hoping not. I feel such a bad parent, and we have such a bad, sour relationship now I wonder if it will ever heal.

I don't help as I give in, I don't like arguement and discord...for example this morning she came in (bearing in mind her 80 year old grandpa got taken into hospital last night) and demanded my old i pod which I had lent her and then asked for it back as she was being so vile (ok..perhaps I shouldn't have asked for it back...other daughter cross that she had been lent it cos says why should she, the way she behaves) In fact she came in and said "Give me my i pod back! I need it to do college work!" Got cross when I pointed out it was mine, I ended up giving it her, she snatched it and went out. Then got angry when I pointed out a thank you would be nice. And she hadn't asked about grandpa. I give up..I just think I must have messed up parenting her..she frequently tells me i have, and that I am immature, vile, all her friends think I'm a joke, that I get at her too much etc etc

[Peebles1]

Poor you. Sympathy from another mother of a DD here! She does sound like she's trying to wind you up / have an argument eg. when she said you weren't telling her not to move out.

Mine used to be dreadful about the pleases and thank you's too. Drove DH mad but I tended to pick my battles. Maybe if you keep it more lighthearted? For example, hand her the iPod so she knows you're happy to lend it to her, but say in a lighthearted way: 'a please would've been nice but there you go' or something like that. She'd probably still pick up on the 'dig' though. Is there anything nice you can do together? Build some bridges?

My DD started staying out a lot (was only home about 1 or 2 nights a week) 6 months ago when she met her horrible bf. Once we'd stopped fighting with her about it and accepted it things improved massively in our relationship with her. We still have lots of other issues with her, but she is lovely when home - helpful, pleasant, etc. So my point is, I bet if your DD does move out you'll get on a whole lot better. Not sure if she wants to move out though - sounds like she has mixed feelings. Bit of a scary move for her maybe? She sounds all mixed up bless her. It's very difficult to help them when they're being so arsey.

Good luck with her. I know how hard it is and how down it can get you.

[Peebles1]

PS. CAMHS did say to DD once that anxiety can come out as moodiness and aggression. I think her teachers had a hard time believing she had anxiety as everyone has a vision of a nervy, quiet, submissive type whereas my DD was a moody, bolshy, loud type!

[febel]

. Thank you, not sure if it's all gone too far to now...she can be VERY stubborn. Trouble is, I know that all our past troubles with her do colour my view of her...particularly as she keeps provoking us by doing one thing or another. I do try to pick my battles but it's difficult...for instance I am certain she smokes ..and she has asthma..but I just think at 18 it's up to her. I wouldn't put it past her to smoke to spite me.
Interesting what CAHMS said to you.....my YD is loud and bolshy type too. Which I also find difficult as I am not...can stand up for myself but am not particularly bolshy or aggressive