How Can I help her

(9 Posts)
mumslife Wed 10-Feb-16 18:43:03

My dd who is just nineteen has three weeks ago been dumped by her boyfriend over text
She was with him just under six months and he was and still us her first love
He is nineteen nearly twenty. To say she is devistated is an understatementsad
She absolutely loved him to bits and poured her heart and soul into the relatiinship though fortunately still saw her friends etc
I dont want to go into too many details as dont want to sound like I am bad mouthing him but basically he is a bit if a loner though has friends that he sees infrequentally. Basically his favourite thing is to sit in his bedroom alone persuing various interests
At first hecould overcome this and make time for dd but as time went on it was obvious he couldnt and he wanted minimal phoning texting seeing her etcsad
Purely I believe to be on his own.
I know this isnt partucular to dd and not her fault but to do with the way he is made deep down she knows this too
She compromised and compromised with him over all this and also over going out which they rarely did. I dont think she ever would have broken up with him no matter what. Mainly because she loved him unconditionally but his need to be alone got more and more extreme
In the end he finished with her and she is broken hearted devistated feels let down as she trusted him etc and feels he put on a front until she fell in love with him then got bored of being in a relationship and the need to be in his own was more appealingsad
I dont know what to do to help her. i know its early days but she isnt eating well or sleeping well. Says she dreams about him and talks to him in her head. She keeps crying says her heart actually hearts and she feels sick. Her confidence and self esteem is at rock bottom
I know its early days but also she is away at uni which doesnt help.
I know she us my dd but trying not to be biased here she really was a fantastic girlfriend to him even his own parents as much as said so and told her not to change. its hard because normally she is a bubbly happy girl who lives people. It sounds strange but her ex bf didn't seem to like people including his girlfriend!!! though they liked him
I can see why on a good day he was funny bright chatty and was almost always a real gentleman in many ways to my daughter
Hiw do i help her?

circular Thu 11-Feb-16 21:13:33

Hi, not much advise to offer, just bumping for you and hope you get some helpful responses soon.
Very difficult, and more worrying for you with her being away. All I can suggest is to be there for her, and make sure she knows that.
Hopefully she has some good friends at Uni that are looking out for her too.
Take care, and try not to worry too much flowers

Scatter Fri 12-Feb-16 13:56:51

Hi Mumslife

Your poor daughter. So hard to live through a break up at any age, and so much harder when it's your first.

She sounds like a loving, caring and giving young woman and her ex-boyfriend sounds like he isn't there yet - perhaps still has some growing up to do to reach her level of emotional maturity.

I don't think you can do much more than you're doing, really. Be there for her, tell her she did nothing wrong but that he didn't deserve her and that life has a way of sorting out who you're meant to end up with in the end - sometimes there are bumpy bits along the way, and she is going through one, but it won't last forever.

Gosh it's hard being a mum and watching a child in pain though isn't it. Hope she is soon able to move on positively.

xx

mumslife Sat 13-Feb-16 17:33:25

thank you scatter and circularxxx

things are slowly improving

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 13-Feb-16 18:02:46

Its horrible. It's so hard when your children are so hurt. You wish you could suffer for them. But it is a part of life. It happens all the time, either friendships or relationships breaking down. Learning how to cope with sadness and rejection is a life skill. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, which in general I agree with.

My 19 year old Ds broke up with his 18 year old girlfriend after a year. It was awful, I felt so sad for her she was so upset. But they are teenagers, very Young, and the relationship wasn't right for him anymore. He couldn't just carry on with it for her sake, when it wasn't right for him.

My 15 year old DS is currently sad because his girlfriend of 5 months has just finished with him. I feel so p, so sad for him, it's hortible, but everyone has to go through it. Most people don't meet their life partners that young and upset and heartbreak is inevitable.

All you can do is be there for her to chat, and give comfort. She'll hopefully have some good mates and distractions, at uni, until she feels better about it all, and moves on.

mumslife Tue 16-Feb-16 12:40:29

thanks through thick and thin
agree with everything you are saying but it now transpires not only had he told white lies to her he had lied about really important things so not goodsad
Not a good relationship in many ways to be in:0

circular Tue 16-Feb-16 17:54:54

Just a thought mumslife, but if your DD has recently found out about the important lies, maybe it will help her get over things quicker. Ie. Him not being the person she thought he was, that she fell in love with.

NickiFury Wed 17-Feb-16 13:06:32

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/feb/16/why-relationship-breakups-hurt-brain-neuroscience

I've always found this idea helpful - that break pain is a chemical one and as such will pass, like any other imbalance. It feels so physical and painful that it can be scary sometimes I think.

mumslife Wed 17-Feb-16 20:07:21

Interesting link nickifury thanks

Circular

What she has found out means she basically has no romantic feelings towars him
She feels let down and disappointed that he could lie to her about something important when supposedly he loved her and in fact she loved him unconditinally and would have done anything for himsad
When she questioned him a few days about the lues he told to try to get to the bottom of things he was rude indifferent called her petty and manipulative and said it was irrelevant couldnt be assed and was done with this conversation!!!
Her words to me were this was not the boy she fell in live with and in fact she hated him when he behaved like thisshock

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