Help. DD has a friend from Hell!

[HellzA75]

DD is 14. She's always been very sociable and found it easy to make and keep friends. When she started secondary school she was lucky to go into the same form as a couple of good friends from primary and she knew lots of other girls in other forms through Brownies and her swimming clubs.

She was thriving at secondary school and making even more friends. She got very close to a new friend 'Lucy' and they spent loads of time together, in and out of school. I had misgivings about Lucy from the very start as she seemed very highly strung and high maintenance, very unlike DD who is easy going.

A few months ago they had a falling out over DD spending too much time at swim club, and also choosing to do riding with a group of friends from primary school. Basically Lucy wanted DD to spend that time with her. Lucy also started sulking with DD if DD had a sleepover with other friends. She even refused to speak to DD for over a week just because DD went away for a long weekend at PGL for her cousin's birthday.

Lucy is obviously a very jealous girl and she can't seem to bear for DD to have other friends, or do anything without her. When they started at secondary Lucy didn't seem to know any other girls and really latched onto DD. All of Lucy's friends now were originally DD's.

Anyway, they recovered from the bust up last year. But it seems Lucy is back to her old tricks, throwing tantrums if DD sees other friends or goes to swim club at the weekend. Last week Lucy broke down in tears at school over DD 'neglecting her' and got teachers involved. DD was embarrassed and stressed by the incident, to say the least. Lucy was so distraught that her Dad was called to take her home.

Since then Lucy has been trying to come between DD and her other friends, through various means. Luckily they see through her and are loyal to DD.

DD has tried and tried to stay friends with Lucy, but she can't cope with her excessively possessive and erratic behaviour. DD just likes a quiet life. She likes to swim. She likes to read. She's never had to deal with someone like Lucy before, and she's finding it really stressful and upsetting. She is sorry that Lucy gets upset, but doesn't want to give up all her other friends as a consequence. Neither should she have to.

I've told DD to be polite with Lucy but to avoid her at school for the time being. I told her that if Lucy kicks off about this then Lucy can get her Mum to call me and I will explain. I've also let the school know what has been happening.

DD just can't deal with all this unnecessary drama, she hates 'scenes' and always has. But Lucy seems to revel in them.

I am not the sort of Mum to get involved with teen friendship tangles as I think that 9 times out of 10 they quietly resolve themself after a week. But I can't stand by and watch DD have sleepless nights worrying how Lucy will be tomorrow and be made to feel guilty for going to swim club ffs.

Not sure I can do anything else to resolve the situation, but any support or advice would be very welcome.

[MuddhaOfSuburbia]

god that's so hard

we had a couple of Lucys (and Lucians!) at primary school, but they usually grow out of it by this stage I hope

you say that teachers were involved at one stage- is it worth having a word with someone who knows both of them, eg tutor?

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Rest assured, things will improve - but that doesn't really help you or your DD whilst you are in the thick of it.

I would definitely talk to the personal tutor (or whatever they are called at your DD's school), explain what has been going on and ask them to keep an eye.

And do what you are doing, continue to support your DD in keeping Lucy at arm's length and encouraging her friendship with other girls.

[Peebles1]

I had a 'Lucy' friend at school. Totally dominated me, terribly jealous and possessive. I'm afraid I simply told her firmly that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore, and stuck to it. After three years, mind! I did it twice actually, to another equally domineering friend. I know I'm probably a horrible person but I couldn't see another way out. And it worked. Fast forward thirty years and my DD was in the same position. I told her to do the same. She did and it worked. There's not a lot they can do if you simply refuse to be friends any more. Sorry Lucy! But they get over it.

[Peebles1]

Make that forty years. Maths never my strong point!!

[HellzA75]

DD just hates hassle and 'scenes' like the plague. I think she would have been very relieved to finish the friendship a few months ago when they fell out. But I suspect she agreed to make up just to get Lucy off her back.

But Lucy doesn't seem to have learned her lesson and is back to her old tricks. I do sympathise with her a little as it must be horrible to feel so insecure and jealous all the time. But I'm not so sympathetic that I will allow DD to suffer for it, it's just not fair on her.

I've told her to blame me for the friendship ending, if that makes it easier on her. And that if Lucy or her Mum have a problem with that then they need to talk to me about it, not DD.

DD just wants some peace and quiet and to spend time with friends who are much easier company. I can't blame her.

I have emailed DD's head of year and her form tutor just to put them in the picture. I don't expect them to be able to do much, but at least they will be aware.

[greenfolder]

I'm pleased that you have been direct with the school. My dd2 had a nightmare of a so called friend like this at school. It ultimately involved so called friend accusing my dd of bullying her because it was the only way to keep the drama going. Every time she made an allegation dd was taken out of class and questioned. School suggested mediation which involved me absolutely putting my foot down. It cured me of every bleeding heart sympathy I had felt for a very long time. My advice is keep a close eye, be very direct indeed with the school about it all