Periods - DD, nearly 12, devastated at having started!

[MEMsmum]

DD will be 12 in January and came in last night just before bed saying she thinks she's started her periods. Checked her pants and yep, she has. She's so upset - lots of tears about not wanting to grow up and she's not ready to turn into a woman. Tried to explain that it's just the beginning and doesn't mean she's not a child any longer. She didn't like the idea of having to wear a towel at night (refrained from telling her that she was lucky she didn't have the huge thick looped ones with the attractive belt, but didn't think it was the time for levity!) and her follow up comment after covering the basics was "is that it then?" made me wonder how much she actually understands about periods. She's always been big (over 99th percentile, is wearing 15-16 year old clothes in kids shops, and a size 12 in the shops she prefers)and now in retrospect I know I started preparing her far too early - she seems to have forgotten it all!!

Any advice?

[StarlightStarbrightSKYTVtonite]

Sorry no advice but I will be reading any you get with interest. My DD1 is 10 (11 next April) and the same size etc as your DD (I have just bought her some size 12 jeans and skirt today) and she has been wearing a bra for about 6 months.

The teachers at school have talked to them recently about periods and we have very briefly covered the subject but I know it will be a shock to her as it has been to your DD.

A friend has a 13 year old DD who started hers about 6 months ago and has only had 2 so possibly your DD won't get them every month yet.

Good luck

[hotmulledwinemama]

I started wearing a bra in the last year of primary school and was nearly 12 when I started my periods - and they came every month like clockwork apart from being pregnant with my dd's.

The first time I learnt about periods etc at school was in the first year of secondary school - I think it is different now (I'm 39). Loads of girls in my year had already started their periods - so I'm sure she won't be the first in her year.

If you don't feel comfortable and/or the school is a bit rubbish - there are loads of books out there.

[MEMsmum]

Thanks - I just feel I took my eye off the ball so to speak, and having been so concious of making sure she was prepared, it's a bit of a shock to find out that in the end I let the issue slip under the radar ( too many analogies!).

Actually, I know what I have to do - I have to go through it all again and explain to her that this one was a light one, that they'll get heavier but that she might be lucky and have quite light ones at first and then they might get heavier as she gets older. I don't want to freak her out, but I don't want her to be unprepared either!

Sigh - I just wish that someone had warned me when I was planning babies that they don't stay babies for ever! Obvious I know, but I thought of having children as having babies and toddlers, not teenagers .

[StarlightStarbrightSKYTVtonite]

LOL at having babies and toddlers and not teenagers! I am pregnant with number 3 at the moment (have 2 DDs) and really want another DD but thinking ahead - maybe not! Maybe a DS would be nice.

About 4 girls in DD1s Yr 6 class have "started" (one had started in Yr 5) and they use the teachers toilet on "those weeks". I think it helps DD to understand it will happen to her one day but maybe as they get older and to secondary school the girls don't talk about it so much? I can't remember that far back!!

[Glassofwine]

I started at 11, I'd had the talk at school and also with mum, so I did know what it was all about. The big shock for me was how painfull it was - I think all the talks before hand didn't want to frighten me, but I felt betrayed. I wished someone would have warned me.

[fairyjay]

Dd started at Easter - the day before her 13th birthday!

We got her some towels, and from that moment on she has hardly mentioned it. Her periods are regular, but the only time she mentions it to me is when she wants a note for swimming.

Sadly, I have found that she doesn't seem to be nearly as open with me now - I'm hoping that it's just a phase she's going thru'.

[MEMsmum]

Must admit, was chuffed that she told me. She can be a bit standoffish at times - and I must admit I'm a bit of an OAP (over anxious parent) - her most frequest response to me nowadays is "chill mum!".

I started a month shy of my 12th birthday too - maybe that's what freaked her out, the idea that she is like me and .. horrors .. will turn into me one day! DH away on business otherwise I'd take her out for hot choc and cake tonight. Will have a chat with her though, to make sure she understands. Will try to chill too !

My mum never mentioned anything to me at all - luckily I had 2 older sisters, but the oldest DSis thought she had something seriously wrong with her - poor thing was only 9, she started during a school day and we were at a catholic primary!

[chenin]

MEMsmum... when you talk to her, make out its something to celebrate! When DD2 came home from school with the same news, I gave her a big hug and made out how exciting her news was!!
(We all know its a pain in the neck, but hey...)

She is probably not feeling ready for this but if it were me... I would take her out for a special shopping session or a meal, cinema or something to sort of 'celebrate' the news. I'm sure she will then feel more positive about it

[MerryChipmonkAndAHappyNewey]

I remember a friend of mine in school starting hers. She was expecting them, her mother thought she had prepared her but what hadn't sunk in was that she would get them every month! The poor thing thought it was a once-off event and was horrified to learn that it was once a month for the next forty years!

[MEMsmum]

I think I just played it wrong - I did give her a big hug and said something along the lines of "Ooh, how exciting - this is the beginning of really growing up!" which may have been the reason she freaked out !! She's at that funny stage of insisting that she's nearly an adult but when an adult thing happens reverts back to being a child! Difficult to read it right!

I will take her out though - thanks for the tip! It's just a bit difficult as we had a 'mother & daughter day' out Christmas shopping on Tuesday evening and it's her younger sister's turn for some one-on-one (and as the middle child she frequently gets overlooked however hard we try because she's just much less demanding than her DSis or DBro!!!) - will have to fit it in at the weekend.

And Merry Chipmunk - that's my fear - I think she thought it would come once and that would be it! From what she said and the questions she asked (amid the tears), I don't think she had realised it is for the next 40 years - or, as I rather rashly told her, until menopause! Another fine mess I've got myself into !!!

[Skyler]

I was nearly 14 when I started my periods and so must have been one of the last in my year. I knew they would be coming and knew what it would entail etc but I was TOTALLY devastated when I got my first. I could hardly believe it and was convinced I must have a cut or something .
My Mum said congratulations you are becoming a woman etc and that was the worst thing for me to hear at the time. It was scary. I did not want to grow up at all. I also did not want anybody else to know as I was mortified and I did not want to discuss it with my Mum. I remember plucking up the courage to tell her the first time I tried a tampon but apart from that they were never discussed again. I am not saying this is right but this was what I wanted. My Mum just made sure there was always a variety of pads and tampons for us and I sometimes bought my own. I have 2 dd's and I do wonder how I will handle it. DD1 is only 3 though so I hope I have a while yet. I think she is quite a different personality though thankfully.
I think it will be nice to have a chat with her but don't worry about doing it soon and reassure her that it happens to everyone even the Queen etc and she is still your girl and you will look after her. Bless her. Sorry I have waffled but I remember my first period with horror. The subsequent periods weren't such a problem though I wish someone had advised me to wear a liner with tampons....... Good Luck.

[MerryChipmonkAndAHappyNewey]

Skyler, I was 14 as well but I was just so relieved! It seemed everyone else had them but me and I thought there was something wrong with me.

[morningpaper]

BLESS!

She is probably just in shock and soon it will become normal and she won't worry so much. It IS a bit shock when it first happens.

Like you say, it must be MUCH easier now with modern sanitary aids - I remember having a huge Bodyform slug like a fat quilted mattress wrapped around my poor chafed bits day and night.

[BudaBauble]

I was 14 when I started and went from being desperate to start to panicking when i did.

She is hormonal too - could be the cause of the tears.

[chopchopbusybusy]

Hello everyone - first post on Mumsnet

DD2 had her first period a couple of months ago. It was two weeks before her 10th birthday. She was devastated too. It didn't help that she had four days of severe period pains to go with it (but a very small amount of blood loss). She hasn't had another one yet. I haven't had the heart to explain yet that although I allowed her time off sick from school this time -she'll have to suffer in the future. Fortunately, I'd told her about them recently (she'd seen DD1 being given a bag of towels and thought she was missing out on a present)

My main reason for posting is to say that this came as a complete surprise to me as she is very much average weight and height and shows very few signs of development yet whereas her older sister who started hers at 11 looked every bit as though she was ready. She also took it very much in her stride and the only time she ever mentions it is when she needs more pads.

The other problem is that even the smaller pads are far too big for DD2 - gave her a pack of pant liners which are better but these are not going to be much use when she has heavier days.

Don't suppose I've offered much in the way of advice really but I think she'll come to realise it's not so bad - especially if she discovers some of her friends have started too.

[winterpimms]

Hi Chopchop, my friend's dd had a period at 10 and was not really developed but did not have anything else for a year, so was just thinking dd2 may not have started properly yet.

DD started at 13 and has been quite heavy from the word go and only going about 20 days inbetween.

I feel quite sorry for girls starting so early. In my day [old hag emotion], i didn't have all these sleepovers. DD just groans and says "I want to do so and so at the weekend, i'm not due on am i?"

[LemonTart]

Tricky isn?t it? Mine are too young for this atm but not looking forward to it really. I felt so alone and awkard when my periods started, would hate to bungle it as much as my mum badly judged the topic with me
One little bit of advice though, as a secondary school teacher that has seen a fair few upset girls, make sure you explain to them that periods are often quite irregular and it is not very easy to predict. Equally, you might think you have almost stopped and will need only one pad for that day only to find a bit of light exercise walking to school etc and you are running short. Give them a little bag to keep in their school bag (that is zippable and fall proof) and well stocked at all times. Nothing is more stressful than being caught short - especially at school.

[winterpimms]

Absolutely LemonTart! It's costing me a fortune as dd doesn't get any warning (pain) so wears something at least a week beforehand just in case!

[nearlythree]

I was 10 when I started, still at primary school. My advice is different I'm afraid - be as low-key as possible. The idea of a celebration would have filled me with horror then and does now. Try to carry on as normal as possible as it's what she seems to be saying she wants. Be matter-of-fact - here's your special bin, here are your pads, these are for school, let me know if you need any more. Then let her be.

I wonder if anyone can recommend a good book on this?

[LetitShnowLetitShnowLetitShnow]

Oh God I remember it well... March 8th 1994. I was completely prepared for it, knew what to expect but it was my mother's declaration of "you're becoming a woman" that tipped me over the edge. It's the irreversability of it that is scary. At that age (I was 13) it's alright to demand that you are treated as an adult and to pretend to be grown-up because a few days later when you're off school with flu, you can revert back to childhood and be pampered and mollycoddled by your Mum. You start your periods and you no longer have that choice. It's like finding out you're pregnant. It took me a year to conceive this baby I'm carrying and I was desperate to have a child, but when I finally managed it I was shocked to find myself upset, regretful, terrified etc. It's is the finality of the situation that I think is the really shocking bit.

Your DD will realise that this isn't the end of anything or the beginning of anything else, just a necessary and bloody annoying event. Poor thing, she sounds so shocked, just make sure she asks as many questions as she needs to and give her a big hug.

[eemie]

I bought my niece a pair of pearl earrings and will do the same for my other niece and dd.

I didn't make a big fuss but I thought it was important to be positive to balance all the talk she'll hear about 'the curse'

Agree about providing lots of practical help and, for myself, I could have done with a little more tea and sympathy for the times I did feel really dreadful.

[chopchopbusybusy]

Thanks winterpimms. I am hoping this is true - she seems to have forgotten all about it at the moment. She does have a little supply in her school bag just in case. She has a male teacher so I don't want her to be caught short.

[MEMsmum]

Thanks for all the advice - couldn't post earlier (too busy at work and internet connection down at home!) but it really helped!

Came home from work yesterday and DD has gone from devestation to acceptance in one school day !! Now it's no big deal, not the end of the world and only once a month. Gave her a big hug and told her that she'd always be my little girl, even though she's already taller than me. She'd collected samples of various pads and panty liners and has decided she likes Always Ultra the best (I'm a big Kotex fan myself!) - couldn't face telling her they were panty liners but at the moment her flow is light; will cross that bridge in a couple of days. We had a bit more of a chat and I told her to ask me any questions she liked, and she promptly asked if my grumpiness in the mornings were hormonal!!!

We're off to the cinema tomorrow for a "grown up girly film" and think I'll leave it at that.

[MerryChipmonkAndAHappyNewey]

Come to think of it, my Dad congratulated my on being "on the threshold of adulthood" I didn't know where to put myself!

[MEMsmum]

Eek Merry Chipmunk!! DD doesn't really want DH (or anyone else for that matter) to know - luckily he's satisfied with "women's troubles" as an explanation !