I cannot cope with dd anymore and I desperately need help

[sleepdeprivedtigers]

DD has some issues with Dyspraxia and processing, to be quite honest I think she probably has Aspergers too but we were fobbed off on that one. She struggles socially, has social anxiety, sensory issues and often upsets people with her bluntness.

She is almost thirteen so I thought this would be the best place to post.
She used to be such a lovely girl, we were very close, now she is spiralling out of control.

She kicks off at the smallest of things, this morning I told her to get breakfast, she did not want breakfast so she smashed the bowl down on the unit and threw a spoon across the room.

She has hit me, pushed me, tried to slam door on my arm because I was trying to stop her coming in my room when she had been sent to bed and she was kicking off, she throws things at me, she screams the house down, she lies to me, she tells me one thing and school another. She is well behaved at school but there have been issues. School are very supportive and there is no bullying.

She says sorry and then continues to scream abuse at me, tells me to shut up , screams I am annoying. I go out of her way and she will try to follow to carry the argument on. If I tell school what she has been like (she often has meltdowns before school) she goes beserk.

This morning I took the dog out and walked a different way to the school way as she was kicking off and she followed me kicking off all the way and then blamed me for her being later than she wanted.

She will not back off, she has no stop point, if I was in massive trouble with my Mum as a child I would keep my head down, not her.

She will not engage with anyone for help.

All I get is ohh well I get angry.
Angry If she has been asked to pack her bag for school.
Angry if I have not yet done her packed Lunch and she has to do it
Angry if I ask her to do anything
Angry if she is in trouble for something
Angry if she has to do anything but sit on her backside
Angry If I asked her to move the mouldy yoghurt pot she has left on the radiator with the bottom of the curtains in it.

I cannot do this anymore.
I am a single Mum with health problems and work and no backup.

[TeenAndTween]

Poor you

She will not engage with anyone for help.

I have no idea what you can do, but she needs to engage.

The dyspraxia and Aspergers may be related but are perhaps a bit of a red herring. She needs anger management help. You need help too.

Have you raised it with the school? If she is OK in school, then to some extent she is choosing to behave like this to you. If she flies off the handle in school, then they can help resolve it. Organisations such as Family Futures may be able to help, or a parenting coach. School should be able to signpost you to somewhere appropriate.

Is Dad around at all to provide respite for you?

Is there any pattern eg worse every 4 weeks which might be hormone related?

[LongTimeLurking]

Do you think a bit of a shock would get her to engage as she clearly needs anger management and reassessing for the aspergers.

Personal violence like slamming your arm in a door is massively crossing the line; a visit from the police would wake her up?

[nicoleshitzinger]

So sorry for you sleep.

I have been where you are with a very very angry daughter and it pushed me beyond what I could cope with. In our case it was made even more appalling by the fact that she was doing this at school as well as at home, so we had constant phone calls from the school, truanting etc to deal with too. However, I have a DH and a very close and supportive family, and between us all we have kept going and stayed sane though only just. DD is 16 now (it started at 12 like your dd) and things have improved massively over the past few months. Improved beyond recognition.

I can only pass on to you what I learned along the way.

• go to your GP and tell them what is going on. Don't minimise. Tell them your dd is aggressive and that you're struggling to cope with her.
  
• ask for a referral to CAMHS. Do it now, the waiting lists are long.
  
• ask for an appointment with a senior member of the pastoral staff at school and set out what you are dealing with at home. Ask for their support.
  
• the young minds helpline is very good: here
  

• parentline also, for someone to talk to who understands: here I have cried down the phone to these people more than once.
  

• put a lock on your bedroom door. That is your space. Make it beautiful and retreat to it when necessary.
  
• when your dd is calm ask her to sit down with you and come up with an agreed list of rules for home. Do it in a cafe or with a friend/relative present to support you. Rule number one has to be: no violence to you or to your home. Tell her that if she is violent or destructive you will phone the police. Then do it. This was a very important step for us - calling the police in response to dd being violent to me and DH, and although it didn't immediately and fully stop the violence it did reduce it massively.
  

• try not to respond in anger
  
• try not to cry in front of her or talk about your feelings too much. I made the mistake of appealing to my dd's better nature. Instead it made her see me as weak and a victim and it made her worse in some ways.
  
• do sustaining things for yourself. Talk to other people about what you are going through - you can't deal with this alone.
  
• remember, she won't be like this forever. She will come out the other end, and so will you. But until you are away from the stormy seas of her adolescence you must batton down the hatches, put on your life-jackets, and hang on for dear life.
  

I really wish you well. This board was a life saver for me and I posted her often. I hope it's as useful for you.

[sleepdeprivedtigers]

She is mostly ok and school and as is often typical of some children with sen she masks and then explodes at home over what has happened in school.

She has had detention in school and lied to me where she has been on a couple of occassions for homework reasons.

She has also got angry and burst into tears as a result there on a few occassions.
She is VERY heavily supported at school.
I have said to her that if an adult was doing what she did the police would get involved. Shes terrified of the police and will not go near the cars or vans at fun days when community engagement teams so i think actually involving the police would be a really really bad idea. She is already on the verge of school refusal and i have had to take her while ringing school because she was kicking off this week. She has big social anxiety issues and is very intollerant of other kids, noise and actions she feels are unjust.

I told her this morning she was going to be punished for her behaviour and she was furious and asking why??!

[nicoleshitzinger]

"I have said to her that if an adult was doing what she did the police would get involved. Shes terrified of the police and will not go near the cars or vans at fun days when community engagement teams so i think actually involving the police would be a really really bad idea."

In which case surely even the threat of police involvement may be enough to stop her from being violent to you.

I do understand why you are reluctant to get them involved, but I can tell you, it's exactly what I was advised to do by social services and by CAMHS. Violence is traumatising to the person doing it as well as to the person on the receiving end. If you are subject to physical abuse from your child on a sustained and regular basis it will break you, and damage your relationship with her. It needs to stop.

[Meloncoley2]

I would go with your instincts OP and push for ASD assessment. I do not see that involving Police would help at all.
Your DD is a frightened child trying to deal with all the challenges that puberty brings with it, as well as her own issues.
Get as much support for yourself as possible,
you may need to be strong to be her advocate.

[Janey96]

I feel for you. I have a friend whose son used to go a bit crazy when young, and she would totally keep her cool and restrain him! Simple as that. He might go to break something or tear down the curtains and again, pull him away then restrain him til he kept quiet. She told me at age 14 I think it was, he was going mad for no reason and then spat in her face, so she had had enough at this point, when he was still going strong at 1am, she thought I have to have help right now, either social services or the police. She decided to call the police just to have a talk to him, not arrest him. They came, he didnt believe she called them til he see the car outside, he soon went in his room and kept quiet! They went up and they spoke to him, he spoke properly back. When they left, she didnt hear a peep out of him. Believe me, he could really kick off and never stop for hours, even sending voicemails while she was out constantly saying he will carry on when she gets home! He was trying to control everything. He would say things to her like, thats it cause trouble then walk away. When in fact, yr supposed to tell kids once then leave it at that, not get into an argument with them. He was impossible. Maybe get a psychiatrist to come to you at home and let them talk alone.

I would give it a go, say if she carries on you have no choice but to call the police, see if she goes immediately quiet.

[Waitingforsherlock]

Hi sleep. we have a dd, 12, who has just been diagnosed with Aspergers. I am seeing similar types of behaviour from her; goading, squaring up to me, shoving and pushing. She seems to believe that she is an adult and therefore will resist every bit of direction that she's given from the most innocuous of requests upwards. She is a school refuser too and is often anxious and filled with worries.

I found it helpful to keep a diary, ( it won't make the nicest of reading), but may help you see patterns of behaviour and is useful to show any health professionals. The book The Explosive Child may help to give you another perspective.

Good luck.

[Waitingforsherlock]

Oh, also, I wouldn't call the police. That would finish my dd off altogether.

[Emochild]

I have the same Robles with dd except she is now school refusing

She squares up to me, threatens to burn the house down, will do nothing for herself

We have been referred to CAMHS -she won't go

It's an unrelenting nightmare and a world away from the lovely, high achieving girl that left primary school

Her dad isn't interested and I feel ashamed telling family what she is like

She is isolating herself, and me, from everything