Dramatic DD. Sick of the daily dramas and hatred!

[katie4242]

DD 14 is quite lovely occasionally but I am noticing parts of her personality emerging which I dislike (understatement)! I am sure they all go through it, but I have tried gentle guiding and more cut the crap approach but she continues regardless. This phase has only emerged in the last 18months.

She seems to have an almost daily drama with someone or another generally they go "so and so said this about me to X, so I asked X, X said Y said it but then Y said it was W! God I hate them" followed by heated telephone exchanges and lots of winding each other up on social media. She just always takes the bait she does have ASD but is very high functioning and you'd never really know. I wonder if this is why she will NEVER just leave it she will have it out to the bitter end rather than shrugging it off and saying "I don't care" or if all teens do it. I get the impression others use her as she is very confrontational its like light the firework and watch with joy. Her friendship circle are not ideal, they could be worse not criminal drug addicts or anything just bitchy and diva ish! Her phone is always buzzing with dramas why can she just not walk away. I can see she will make herself very unpopular if she continues to be so full of hate! She has been the victim of bullying and now sadly some of her behaviour could be seen as low level bullying. She is lovely to people till people stir her up then she will always react. I find it tiring the constant in and outs of her friendships and the negativity! They all seem to love winding her up persuade her that such and such wants her boyfriend etc! She thinks its her place to have a say even when it has NOTHING to do with her! Sometimes this can be for a nice reason in her eyes e.g. she ran screaming and swearing at the "hard" kids for bullying someone else but other times its just interfering and unnecessary the things she does could potentially put her in a very dangerous situation but she doesn't seem to care.

Any other like this?! I find it quite depressing spending time with her atm (bad mum I know) but its always so hate hate hate. I am just not enjoying watching her create this reputation for herself when its not really her.

[moogalicious]

Yes. Dd talks at me when she gets home from school about who said what do who. She can't stay out of it apparently cos it involves her friend and therefore involves her.

[QuiteLikely5]

Just switch off and pick your battles.

[moogalicious]

Agree with quite.

[katie4242]

I know i need to. 80% time i do but some days it really gets me, then i panic about the siuations she gets herself involved in .

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

It's part of maturing knowing when to stay out of things that don't concern you. She'll learn as she matures. It's nice she wants to talk/ offload tbh.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Very difficult. I think they grow out of some of it, having learnt with experience. I get 'talked at' when DD comes in too, moog tis very wearing :) I'm hoping she will grow out of that. Hard to stand by and watch, but they seem to survive these years. I like to think I have got better as I have got older :)

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Can she talk to you (at you) while you're making the dinner or something so it's not so full on?

[katie4242]

Oh she does anyhow she is either glued to the phone or following me around the house ranting about so and so "isn't that out mum" if i beg to differ she has a teenage tantrum. She is Very high maintenance! I think in some respects its a good quality to be outspoken but she never draws the line in fact she ups the anti. Last week the head teacher told her friend off even then she steps in as she was "out of order". She is trying to police everyone all the time but in a pretty unconstructive way. Some times I see her point but its her delivery I hate its brutal.

[rogueantimatter]

I feel for you a double of challenge of having a 14YO and having a child with ASD. It's very very common for 14YOs to love making drama out of nothing and to have a heightened sense of in/justice but her ASD will make it difficult for her to participate effectively in the niceties and subtleties of teenage communication. It must be so much more difficult these days with 24/7 social media. I have slight ASD (undiagnosed but I'm sure I/m mot quite neurotypical) and I often think if there had been the internet when i was a teenager I either wouldn't have had FB till I was in my last year of school and would have become more geeky as my 'thing' or I'd have been stalking my contemporaries on it, posting inept comments and statuses all the time; in short making a right hash of it.

So what can you do? Something I often tell my teenagers is to cut other teenagers a lot of slack simply because they're teenagers whose brains are still developing. I tell them that people change drastically as they go through their teens and early twenties and the most idiotic teenagers often end up as nice adults who cringe at their teenage behaviour. Sort of 'she can't help it, she has a teenage brain, poor her being so mixed up that she behaves like that, be patient minikatie and it'll sort itself out in a few years'. (Of course you don't want her to actually say to her peers. 'Poor you, you're obviously suffering from teenage brain syndrome aren't you?')! But also that it's unwise to burn your bridges with anyone as you might unexpectedly find yourself in a situation where you have to work with them or see a lot of them.

IMO the best strategy is to briskly sympathise with the trials of being a teenager but also discourage her from wasting putting too much time and energy into the social stuff by listening for a bit then saying briskly ' More importantly, how did your chemistry exam go? or whatever).


Sorry if most of this goes without saying and this is what you do anyway.

[katie4242]

Thank you . Yes at times her points are pretty spot on but should just be unsaid. She just says "better than being twofaced". I heard her talking/lecturing her friend about things she'd been upto and it went something like "FFS Lucy your in year 9. You have a reputation for being easy already. Boys will just use you keep your pants on or i'll be so bloody angry with you. In fact I won't be your friend anymore". harsh is an understatement. I spoke to her after about overhearing and better ways to make a point show maybe a tiny bit of sympathy at least. Sometimes it can be pretty helpful in that she is as honest as they come (if brutally) and is very honest with me. One of her friends was texting a 20 year old DD called him told him he was a "peado" and stay away or else. Which to some extent is sensible but she does not think/care about the implications for her. Just makes me panic!

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

I am in no way minimising the difficult time you are having, but I would just re-stress that they do get better. I was always quite blunt as a teenager, possibly some undiagnosed 'ishoos' of some sort. As I got older, I have got much better fortunately On the plus side, the side of me that isn't good at bullsh** still exists, I just don't open my mouth as often, and my friends know I am not a people-pleaser. If they really want an honest opinion they ask me for it, and I know not to volunteer it willy-nilly And I hope I have become a bit kinder! I think I am saying, maybe continue to try and see it as a positive trait, honesty, that just needs toning down a bit. The world has enough sheep. Yes, it was a bit harsh on Lucy, but maybe it will actually get Lucy to re-think what sounds like maybe quite self-destructive behaviour in a more positive way.