Is it wrong not to allow sleepovers?

[Alb1]

Iv only posted on teenagers once before I think so abit of background: my 13 year old sister loves with me, my husband (both mid 20s) and our baby.
She moved a fair distance to live with us and so all her friends are fairly new friends and im still new to parenting nether mind teenage parenting. Her and her friends are very loud and cocky which I'm aware is normal teenager stuff and my sister is very challenging but were coping well with this, however sleepovers just fill me with dread! She's been to a few herself and now is asking me on a daily basis if she can have various friends stay over here and I keep saying no. We live in a small house have a baby and I just don't want the added disruption! We help make things easy for her to socialise but she thinks we're being unreasonable not to let her have someone stay over and I'm running out of excuses. Am I being unreasonable? I realise there is a whole separate bit for AIBU but people are always mean there and I could do without it, I'm just trying to do what's best

[Psippsina]

Yanbu. I think you are under enough pressure - but a baby and a house full of teenagers, especially loud ones, is just a daft idea.

You are so not being unreasonable.

[JeanSeberg]

I can see both sides. It would be hard work and disruption for you but also nice for her to take her turn at hosting her friends.

Is there a compromise to be had? One friend on her own? Or two or three of the quieter ones?

[Psippsina]

Sorry, wrong topic but you get my drift!

[LaurieFairyCake]

Actually sleepovers are easier than you think

Instead, think of them as someone else babysitting the annoying teenager and keeping them in their room all night while you and DH get to watch a film in peace upstairs

Pros include - you can't have a sleepover til your room is tidy

Result - one tidy room

Pros - we will order pizza and give you sweets but you have to stay in your room (put a tv or computer up there with dvds to watch)

Result - no mess downstairs, no annoying teenagers to entertain

Rules also include - no noise after midnight, no going downstairs at all apart from to go t the loo, any noise I can hear no more sleepovers.

Also, kid will be tired the next day so that equals an early night the next night

I love sleepovers as we get an evening to ourselves to watch the Walking Dead

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

I can see both sides too. Some of my best memories from my teenage years are having my friends over to stay (my parents were really easygoing). However with a baby and a small house I can see why it doesn't appeal! Maybe you can try it once? Set some ground rules (tidy bedroom, no noise past x time) for example and see how it goes?

[Alb1]

She doesn't have quieter ones, and she's aweful when she's around them which also upsets my baby as he senses my frustration. They won't just come for tea as all they do is hang around in the park for as long as they can get away with (not very late for my sister as I'm fairly strict). her and her friends get kicked out of classes in school regularly and are often in trouble (just for being cheeky and disruptive) and I'm working so hard to get her to change this. I compromise on letting her go out with them at all as their park isn't near our house and they are generally unwilling to ever come over this way, which makes it harder to get to no them, but I don't but want her to miss out on having friends all together

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

Maybe link it to a reward for good behaviour at school?

[Alb1]

Abit of crossposting sorry. Yeah I can see what you mean about making her do stuff first. She's been refusing to help around the house recently (a small job a day is too much pressure apparently) so I might add sleepovers to my list of things to motivate her to be an active part of our family! Our house is a bungalow so privacy is hard and she's not allowed food in her room as she's grim and leaves things to go mouldy under her bed and gets it in the carpet etc. so maybe more notice for the sleepover would help me be able to put things in place to make it easier. Currently she asks if friends can stay that night an it gives me no opportunity to get extra food in or make her contribute in any way

[Heyho111]

If you do have a sleepover go for a Friday night. That way they can disappear shopping on the Saturday and the sleepover doesn't take over the weekend, you still have sat night and Sunday. Also if they sleep down stairs it may keep noise levels away. Hide upstairs with snacks and a TV.
I can understand both your feelings about it. You need rest with a baby , she wants to have her turn. Probably the girls will go completely clunky over your baby who will have a wonderful time with all the attention.

[Heyho111]

*clucky

[lljkk]

My general rules are
No more than 2 sleeping over.
Lights out or at least dead quiet from a reasonable time, say 11pm for a 13yo. I do NOT encourage Wake-Overs.
If anybody is difficult they won't be invited back.
My hosting plans are probably simple (they can sleep on and under duvets on Dd's bedroom floor.

I don't think YABU to ban them completely until your baby is at least 1yo and let her have daytime guests instead who go home at 8-9pm. Living in a family means compromises. 9pm is late enough to still have a proper girlie night with junk food & daft silly movie viewing.

[bigTillyMint]

I don't blame you - teen sleepover in a small flat with a baby would be a mare! And especially if they are loud as teen girls often are (gets a bit better as they get older!)

DS has some friends who come to us for sleepovers but don't invite back because they just font have the space. That is absolutely fine with us - we are happy to host sleepovers as we do have enough space and they are generally pretty sensible and quiet.

[Fattycow]

I wasn't allowed sleepovers as a teen, as I had a baby sister. I didn't like it, but I wasn't the adult, so I just had to suck it up.

I was just wondering, as the teen in your situation is your sister, about the reasons she lives with you. I can only assume because she couldn't stay with your parents for whatever reason. And you mentioned that she had to move quite far away to come live with you.
This makes me think that there has probably been a lot of stuff going on in her life that isn't all to nice, so her acting out now could very well be a reaction to all of that, on top of just being a teen.

[mathanxiety]

YANBU.

I don't know why people seem to think sleepovers have to involve more than one friend at a time. Where I am this is the norm. You would only have more than one person if you had a birthday.

Certainly only for much older teens can there ever be any spontaneous sleepovers. Your sister is testing you when she wants to impose her friends on you with no notice. Please don't give in, and don't resist on grounds that it gives you no time. Tell her you have rules and if she won't follow them then you will say no every single time.

There is a bigger issue here though. You need to put a stop to the hanging out in the park lark.

This is how teens get away from parents or stand in parents in your case. They get the feeling that they are independent and not accountable to anyone when they are allowed to hang out together. Their life together as a group becomes far more important to them than any other elements of their individual lives. This is evident in how awful she and her friends are when they are together. You see your sister being cheeky in school and kicked out of classes -- you can also blame her 'tribal' identity for this.

So please find her something constructive to do with her time and stop the hanging out in the park with losers. Sport, martial arts, theatre, volunteering somewhere meaningful -- extra effort for you and your DH but your sister needs structure and discipline and people she is accountable to.

[hellsbells99]

Borrow or buy a tent and let her have sleepovers in the garden!

[Madmog]

I wouldn't say it's wrong not to allow sleepovers, but it's something they like to do (if only occasionally) They will pretty much keep themselves entertained and food wise you just do what you'd normally do to keep it easy. My DH hates the thought of sleepovers as he gets up early so needs his sleep, also we tend to be early risers at the weekend. Sounds awful, but my DD's friends now know if they're having a sleepover with us they have to go to bed the same time as us (and be quiet). It doesn't seem to put any of them off, even though I know they stay up to 3am in one house!

You've obviously done a lot for her sister and have a baby to look after, but perhaps you could try it as a one off stating any conditions before. You could always suggest they make some cakes (most do it as they'll enjoy the prospect of eating them) and then cooking you all pizza and chips with salad for tea - they'll be out of your way and you'll get your tea cooked (you might have to do the washing up though!)