Nightmare food issues with Dd 17

[HormonalHeap]

Dd 17 has a history of restricted eating, always been a nightmare with food. She is now refusing to part take in any family meals, or let me make her any meals whatsoever (even ones she used to eat), saying she's "not 3 yrs old anymore". I would be fine with her making her own meals but she lives on pot noodles and baked potatoes.

I know she's not a child anymore but it's so hard to watch. Rude on top of it, asking me in front of her friend why on earth she'd want to eat my "stinking fish". I just don't know the best way to deal with it. Any advice?

[HormonalHeap]

And am I being unreasonable to insist that as she lives as part of our family, she at least sits at the table with us?

[MissyMistress402]

She's 17. More than old enough to make her own dinner, unclench.

[HormonalHeap]

Can't unclench. So she doesn't have to live as part of the fam more like a lodger? And not to give a stuff if she's malnourished? I know I'm coming across as a fully fledged control freak but can you just stop caring?

[ragged]

NBU to insist she sits down for 1 meal/most days if you are paying for her food.

What is she actually eating instead?

[Smartiepants79]

Has she had any help with her eating issue?
If she truly only eats 2 types of food then she has some kind of disorder.
Personally I agree with you. What if she sits with you and eats what she has prepared?
In my experience this kind of eating issues will not get better til she wants it to change.
I have a cousin who has anorexia and another who spent most of his childhood living off alpha bites and biscuits. Things only improved because he wanted it to. As his peer group changed and as he travelled more his eating habits changed to.
At 17 you can't force her to eat sadly.
I think you may need to back off, make sure she knows you'll be there when she's ready. Get her some really good supplements? Might make you feel a bit better?!

[SecretSquirrels]

You are not a control freak I would be just as worried. Has she had medical intervention for an eating disorder before?
It's one thing being faddy this sounds more like a mental health issue.

[HormonalHeap]

Thanks all. She will only eat junk food eg curly fries etc. she does eat the odd salad. When she was 10 we saw someone specialising in children's eating disorders. Was told she had a healthy self image, no anorexia, just an incredibly picky eater. was told she had to try a small spoon of what the family ate every night, and eventually her brain would accept it as food. Didn't last long. Then a dietician 2 yrs ago who she made an effort for- but as you wise ladies say, she has to want to do it herself. She tends to discover one food and eat only that- till sick of it and onto the next.

All her friends eat crap too- apparently NO ONE eats dinner on a Sat night, only frozen crap when they get in at 1am starving.

Smartiepants thanks for the idea of her preparing her own food, however crap, to eat with us.

[ragged]

As long as she's a healthy weight & not puking then I'd let it go. You could ask her to still sit with you for a meal, nursing a glass of water if she likes. Just to check in for 5 minutes once a day.

[swimmer4]

No you're not a control freak - you're her mother and have every right to be concerned.
Lay off the food fight for now and request she attends one sit down meal a week - you are a family unit and it's the one time you can chat and catch up with news - menu?
Well how about you all have jacket potatoes - put choices of fillings on table and tuck in.
If this works progress to having noodle stir frys - she can sit with her pot if need be but might be tempted by your more attractive option.

[HormonalHeap]

Ragged she's naturally slim but not underweight, and sincerely hope not puking!
Swimmer4 we often all eat jacket potatos for that reason. Unfortunately her younger brother is now also becoming difficult. Great idea about the stir fry. There definitely is a problem. She doesn't want me cooking for her or watching what she eats. Fine, but wish she's just occasionally eat a proper meal.

[cdtaylornats]

Is it possible this is just a ham-fisted way about going vegetarian?

You could try asking her if she would eat a vege meal with you all.

[ragged]

I am clueless what "naturally slim" means.
It just rang an alarm bell, when you said she wouldn't eat with you, I had to check.
My tuppence is:
I'm afraid you can't stop a preference for junk, be glad it's merely a preference for junk over proper meals.
Don't battle over what the calories look like, as long as they are going in.
Often I can't eat right when tea is ready, but I still sit & chat with the others, 5 minutes of her company in the group is not unreasonable to insist upon most evenings.

[HormonalHeap]

She's already a vegetarian! Naturally slim means she inherited her dad's tall slim frame. So yes she does need a lot of calories.

We are moving house next week and I will use that as a new start to insist she joins us for a bit. Thanks all x

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

Hmm tricky one. As a parent of a daughter who had a pattern of restricted eating from childhood and then battled anorexia, I'd be wary of insisting on her joining you for meals.

She has a crap restricted diet, maybe. But if she is eating jacket potatoes she is at least getting some nutrition..esp if she is topping them with something..
Pot noodles are shit, but honestly not the end of the world.. I ate almost nothing but them for 3 years at uni and survived (and I eat proper food now!) and my DS1 and still basically lives on pot noodles, supernoodles and chunks of bread! He's 22 now...apparently cooks at work for his service users but eats nothing but junk at home.. is slim fit and healthy. He has eaten so many pot noodles that we have been able to grow all our seedlings for the veg garden in his recycled pots...!

I'd really really not make an issue of it.. because if you do, she is more likely to dig her heels in and make it into a MASSIVE deal..which you really do not want.

If she is healthy and not worryingly thin... pull back, make the offer of a meal but don't insist. She's 17... mine at 17 (I have 4 aged 17-23) came in for occasional meals but otherwise preferred to do their own...

[Fattycow]

Insist on eating together, but maybe you can have her prepare the family meal once every week? That way she gets to control what you are having that night. Maybe she will just serve pot noodles, but that won't hurt you if it is just once every week and the rest of the week you can eat normal.

[HormonalHeap]

Thanks MedusaisisHaving, out of interest, was your daughter's annorexia in any way linked to her previous restricted eating? I know you're right about not making an issue of it- her behaviour in general has taken a nosedive- very gobby. I just want my lovely dd back.

Fattycow that's a really good idea but unfortunately her younger brother is following suit- and there isn't one meal they both eat! Nightmare family!! Thanks for all advice x

[specialsubject]

just pot noodles will end in scurvy (there have been cases with spoilt gappies who were sent to the other side of the planet with no domestic skills) so at least she is eating the spuds.

this does sound like mental health problems, and will wreck bones and fertility so urgently needs addressing. I know it isn't that easy but I hope she can be found help. Can you also take brother aside, explain big sis isn't well and ask for his help and co-operation so at least he eats properly?

[Northernsoul58]

It's the hardest thing when DCs choose such a fundamental nurturing issue as food to battle over. My DS 14 has always been a picky eater - even weaning was a nightmare! We also had a nutritionist tell us to introduce food and not go backward from there. Result - DS still a picky eater. My tongue is chewed raw from all the times I stopped myself nagging, confronting, wailing and bemoaning over his attitude and his intake. I still make two meals on some days or DH and I would die of food boredom. I still tell him 'rat poison' sometimes when he asks what for dinner.

It sounds as though you need to short circuit your response to the issue of food per se and try to deal with it as a control issue. I mean, that she is doing what all teens need to do - rejecting their manky parents. But your DS has chosen the hardest issue of all: what she puts in her mouth. I would certainly insist that your DD eat with the family. But beyond that, I'd be offering all kinds of ways she could take control over what she puts in her own mouth, what she wears, how she does her hair, how and when she does her homework, etc. Put simply, treat the food like all other areas of her life that she needs to experiment with and feel in control of.

Very hard to unclench I know, but once you remove the focus from the food and make it about family connection, and about her being responsible for herself, it might just give her the space to climb down gracefully from her high horse.

From another point of view your nutritionist probably mentioned that picky eating is rooted in fear - they don't successfully get over the toddler stage. Is there a way you could simply acknowledge that to her now she's old enough to understand. I did this with my DS when he was about 12 and surprisingly he got it and began to challenge himself. He's still very wary of certain foods, but has become a lot more willing to try.

[Northernsoul58]

Hormonal, you say you are moving house and that it's a time to make changes. Would your DD be amenable to being involved in creating a new eating ambience in the new home. Maybe choose new cutlery, crockery items or table cover. Get her to suggest a lighting scheme - even candles on the table, why not.