Giving up on how I want things to be - for a while

[DidNotSignUpForThis]

So my 15 yo son was off on his first school trip abroad, I got up early, made a lovely breakfast. Packed loads of food for the trip. Made sure his favourite clothes were clean. He packed his bag but I laid out his toiletries (no your Lynx won't get through in hand luggage ) and documents so we could run through and check them. What you do right?

So he gets up half an hour before he has to leave, is in the shower most of that time -rushes downstairs and starts to shove everything in, scoffs rudely at everything I say, is irritated by my offerings, says he has no time for breakfast and starts rudely blaming me for him being late. I've no idea if his passpt went in the bag or not!

I'm speechless but then angry and I explode telling him I hate his guts.
Great work hey - given I won't see him for a while. So what is that all about. How did I go from caring mother to ridiculous ouburst?

Thinking it over, yes my son was an ungrateful git, yes I'm hormonal but i the biggest thing and the thing that's within my control is my reaction. But how to do that? I felt a mixture of hurt, puzzled, disappointed but the thing that made me flip was that it didn't turn out as I wanted it to. I pictured us doing it together, having a chat over breakfast, walking to school and saying a smiley goodbye. Crikey what a Mary Jane.

So wanting things to be a certain way results in me behaving worse than my son, (who said, 'well that's a nice way to talk to your son, ;)

Any tips for how I deal with my feelings yet shelve my expectations until he grows out of stage?

[CalicoBlue]

Take a step back, see the funny side and don't say hurtful things that you will regret.

[300Bananas]

I just want to say I really feel for you. Dont be too hard on yourself. We are only human after all and it seems that many/most of our teens do not realise that we have feelings. My DD does not appreciate anything I do for her. She just expects it and is so ungrateful and I am trying to accept that this is just the way she is and its hard.

I have certainly reacted to situations with my DD the way I shouldnt have in the past and I am trying to step back a bit and not take things too personally. I dont think I am doing a very good job!

Your DS will probably have forgotten all about what happened this morning and will be just getting on with enjoying his trip so dont feel bad about this.

Maybe the answer is not to expect anything and then we wont be disappointed.

You are not alone with this.

[Gymbob]

my sympathies to you. mine are selfish ungrateful lazy good for nothing twats, and I expect the to get worse before they get better. I have said some horrible things to mine, of course I should know better but fgs I am only human.

maybe a break for the two of you is a good thing. you never know, that nice chat you envisaged before the trip might come afterwards instead.

but don't beat yourself up about it

join me for a glass of wine

[300Bananas]

Well said Gymbob. Already started on the wine here!

[Number42]

You said it yourself - you had a picture in your mind of how it was going to be. Totally understandable but fatal with teens. Hard as it is, better to have no great expectations, and from time to time they pleasantly surprise you.

[Travelledtheworld]

My sympathies. But you do need to make the break soon as he needs to mature and turn into a responsible adult capable of organising his own life, rather than a sad loser who lets his wife run around him doing everything for him.

I was fussing over my 14 YO going to school without a coat. He looked down at me from a great height and said in a deep voice " Mum, if I get wet or cold that's my problem not yours. back off" ...and at that point I thought he was actually wiser than me.

[dwinnol]

Sympathies but no advice from me. I'm in the honeymoon period as DD tries to get her confiscated phone back.
She's so lovely while trying but then in an indecently short time she slides back to the ungrateful, entitled, scruffy little Herbert we all know so well.
DP and I cope by flicking the V's as she flounce's from the room and calling her terrible names when it's only us two.
Like all parenting - this too shall pass.
(Though I might be alcohol dependent by the time it does).

[Claybury]

I just returned from a week away. Walked through the front door with my suitcase and saw DS (17) , looked at him and said 'hello'. His response - ' why are you looking at me like that? '. I didn't expect a hug or anything, 'hi mum' would have been awesome though!
Ternagers are just bloody odd.
Don't worry about it. Ignore!

[thecatfromjapan]

They have less experience than us and, because they're younger, a completely different relationship with time.

It's ok - he knows you love him. And being cross about not being appreciated is also ok - you cannot and should not be a doormat.

Perfect parenting is for American drama series - and I think they are a Bad Thing because they are utterly unrealistic.

It's also fine to have tried to make a lovely, organised departure for him.

It will come together in time. The pair of you are singing different parts in a long, complicated tune. The two parts are a little out of synch at the moment - but it WILL come together.

Try and enjoy the lessened work-load while he's away - and have a good Easter.

[fackinell]

Oh this sounds familiar but the mardy teen in my life is my DP's. I've tried everything (even left for an entire week) and have decided no more Mrs nice guy!!

So no more buying takeaways, paying for trips away, buying in fav cakes and treats, no more sharing my lovely bottle of red (she is almost 18) no more asking about her life as telling her how chuffed I was about the progress in her driving skills was a criticism that ended in raging tears. Instead I shall be taking my lovely bottle of red and watching trashy movies in the comfort of my own room or buggering off out.

I shall see her in a few years when she can appreciate me and stop dissing her Dad whilst relieving him of his cash.
Do nothing and expect nothing is my new mantra.

[Slippersmum]

I do this. I think it comes from a build up of lots of shitty little things they say and do and then they do one thing and it the final straw and I blow! My Ds went on a holiday to America. I texted when he was away just to check in. Nothing. When he got home I asked how it was (amazing hol visited lots of places in America and cost a fortune). It was ok he said and to this day that's all I have got. Photos - he took one of the f** wing of the plane!!!!

[Duckdeamon]

Not teen-related but do you sometimes find that the more you hope for or envisage something to be a certain way (wedding, anniversaries, birthdays, jobs) the more likely, if disappointed, you are to get upset and not handle it as well as usual? I do! Think it's a psychological thing of some kind!

[fackinell]

I think there should be a specially dedicated island where all 13 to 20yr olds go. Then they wouldn't get on our tits and we would embarrass them.
Jobs a good 'un

[liveoutloud]

I have the same experience as you every day and I totally understand you. I do all in my power to make my kids happy and I do not expect a thank you in return, just some decent behavior. In return, they are rude and obnoxious and like you most of the time I go from working hard to please them- to lashing at them and feeling angry and sorry for myself -to feeling guilty for not behaving as a “perfect “mom should and basically ruining all that I worked so far for. I am afraid that raising a teenager (I have two teens and one preteen) is a lose-lose situation for us.

[liveoutloud]

Slippersmum-this is exactly when I ask my kids a question. If I am lucky I might get a word in one of the two languages we are speaking, most of the time it is just some unidentified grunt, or a mumble. So frustrating.

[Ragwort]

Sympathies - but glad to know there are so many of us in the same situation.

Another mumsnetter put it beautifully the other day on a thread 'remember when your child was actually pleased to see you, when their face lit up when you met them from playschool?' - these days we just get a grunt and a horrified look if we dare go out with them in public .

[liveoutloud]

Oh, yes those were the days when my kids were excited to see me.

[Heyho111]

Please read - get out my life but first take me and Alex to town.
It's brilliant, it makes teen attitude make sense and that helps you deal with them. Give it a go. It transformed how I dealt with my lot.

[sillygiraffe]

I have read this book and maybe I should read it again as I am having problems dealing with my selfish, lazy, ungrateful DD right now and I really just want to shout and scream. The thing I found with this book is that it seems to be the parents having to step back and compromise all the time when its the bloody kids who should be making an effort as well. But aparently its not their fault as its the way their brains are wired! If only things worked out in real life as they do in the book.

However, I did read it in a rush when I was going through a particularly bad time so maybe I didnt take it all in properly so I will try it again. Jeez is it not time for her to leave home yet? (unfortunately not as she's only just about to turn 16).

[Heyho111]

My child was very bad from about 13 onwards. The rudeness shouting etc etc. it was a downward spiral and life wasn't great at home. I didn't read the book till she was 17 ! I wish I found it earlier. I stopped sanctions expecting chores to be done such as tidying room and stepped back. Omg the difference. I have my child back. When I did sanctions it added fuel to the fire.
I did all the chores. I leave the bedroom a tip and say nothing. I bite my lip. But now I have my child back. Still a bit selfish, room is a tip still but I get the odd help with stuff on their terms. I have half descent conversations. its hard accepting the selfishness and ignoring it but the more I do the rudeness and grumps are much less. We now have a home not a house.