Is he using and are we too liberal?

[shockthemonkey]

DS is 17, very reserved/private. For more than a year, into weight training, physical fitness… having a good physique seems very important to him. Keen on parties more recently, he had never been at all sociable until about six months ago. Not at all communicative. His grades are all over the place but always have been…

Going through his pockets before putting on a load of laundry I found a very small transparent polythene sachet (of the type you might get spare buttons in when you buy a new shirt, but just a bit smaller). It reminded me that DH and I had found two similar sachets under the sofa after a party DS had had at our house, maybe two months ago.

So we did a proper search of his room. Cleverly hidden we found a small bong and some rizzlas.

We looked online (FRANK, great website and chat room for real-time support) before talking to him. Thank goodness because it was our initial idea to come down very hard, involve police and school, get extremely punitive. After talking to FRANK advisers we took a more “concerned” line when we spoke to DS, and he was VERY convincing when he told us that the bong and rizzlas belonged to a friend whose mum regularly went through his room as she knew he had a habit. He said he had told his friend that drugs were a bad idea but had agreed to keep the stuff for him. Would not tell us the name of this friend and we did not push as DS told us that would be useless and we also reasoned that this kid’s mum was well aware that he was using… but of course we confiscated the paraphernalia and told DS to tell his friend that he was no longer willing to hold stuff for him.

DS told us (unsolicited) that he cared too much about his health to do any drugs himself, and on this point he was very believable.

He was less convincing about the sachets. Swore that they were for buttons -- but he has never been at all interested in buttons and he failed to explain how sachet got into pocket sans buttons. Had he perhaps taken the buttons out and stashed them somewhere in case he felt like a bit of sewing? Not like DS at all. Buttons, needlework, clothes in general are not his area of interest. Plus, there was no little hole for the tag that usually attaches the sachet to the shirt.

DH and I have told nobody but a very discreet close friend who we thought might know more about the sachets – could be a local thing (Paris area). They seem too small to hold even a rizzla-worth of cannabis or whatever. Pills of some sort??? It’s quite scary really.

Is there any way we could go about finding out? (lab analysis for instance?). It’s really a long shot but with DS’s fascination for building up his body I don’t think we can rule out the dreaded steroids…

I am sorry for anyone who has had similar, but hope you might help… do you think we have reacted OK? How did you deal with your situation and how did it all work out?

What on god's earth could there have been in that tiny sachet (1.5 inch by 2 inches max, possibly a bit smaller)???

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

In a sachet like that, some pills - by which I mean ecstasy or similar. Maybe amphetamine so that he can train for longer or to suppress appetite.

I think you've reacted pretty mildly actually, he's probably congratulating himself at having pulled the wool over your eyes.

If you still have the packets then get them tested - tell him that you are going to do it so that he has the chance to tell you the truth before you find it out for yourself.

[StayGoldPonyBoy]

I think pills too.

Definitely get them tested if you have them. Even if you don't, tell him you will and he might break and tell you the truth.

He probably thinks he's gotten away with it. If my mum had accused me of taking drugs I'd have been more shocked rather than try to reason with her about it.

[shockthemonkey]

Thanks. You probably think we're being gullible as well as soft.

I have asked DH if he still has the sachets -- texted him... he has not replied yet.

He was not shocked at our accusation as he knew he was hiding drugs paraphernalia, so the danger of parents finding it and coming to the obvious conclusion was always there.

He knows the dangers of drugs, as we have had these discussions openly since he was about 12 yrs old... plus they cover it in his school. He has always been EXTREMELY risk-averse (to the point of not being able to go on half the rides at Disneyland even though age and height-wise he easily qualified)... so it all rings true when he says that he knows the risks (was able to trot out a list to us) and would never put himself in such danger.

I know I know, they probably all say that. The hiding-for-a-friend story is probably told many many times too.

From what we're learning on FRANK though, the worst thing is to over-react and ruin forever whatever level of communication you have going on. That is why we did not go with our first idea of coming down really hard on him. Honestly, it was what our gut was telling us to do.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

I went through a phase of taking drugs when I was at uni. I knew there were risks but I did it anyway.

I am also shit scared of rollercoasters.

I do think you are being gullible. There is no 'profile of a drug user'. I had a happy, stable, moderately privileged upbringing. Went to a good university, worked hard, had nice friends from other middle class families, most of whom took drugs in some form or other too.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

I can see your concern but you know he is 17 - should you really be going through his pockets and searching his room?
Sounds like steroid abuse to me, what he needs are scare stories and information. Google away.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

oh and it could have been weed in that sachet, it is sold in such tiny amounts these days.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

Sunny perfectly normal to check pockets before you put a wash on I would think, and perfectly fine to go on a room search if you find something that points to drug use.

[Endler32]

Yes it's very likely he is involved with some kind of drug or drugs. You could get the bags tested but what does this prove? He is likely to say they are not his, even if you called the police they are unlikely to do much, my step son is a user, the police are aware but are not interested, they are only interested in the dealers and the chances of a user leading them to a dealer is slim .

The best thing you can do is keep talking to him and hope he takes on your advice. With my step son he uses to self medicate a mental health issue and also to make friends. He doesn't listen to any advice we give him because the most important thing to him is that people like him ( sadly he has been used by a lot of these people ). It's so hard as you can't follow him around or lock him in his room, drugs are widely available and in some cases they are cheaper than alcohol, a lot of youngster would have tried something by the time they are 18 .

Talk to him. Don't go behind his back and test the bags, maybe tell him that you unsure wether to believe his story, ask him 'if you were to get the bags tested would there be traces of anything in them?' Give him the chance to come clean. Sadly testing the bags won't give you the answer you want 'is he taking', only he can tell you this.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

I do not think it is normal to treat a 17 year old like a child. Yes he needs communication and information but does he need someone washing his clothes for him and going through his pockets? And searching his room? I think not, unless you want to push him away.

[shockthemonkey]

Thanks everyone, your thoughts are really helpful.

Sunny, I do the laundry for everyone in my household. I don't think that's unusual. The kids get their clothes down to the laundry, and I sort colours and fabrics so we don't have inefficient half-loads.

And obviously I go through pockets systematically. Everyone's, including my own. Don't want tissues, coins, credit cards etc getting in the washing machine.

Endler, thanks we are probably going to do this this weekend. I know it's important to go back over the talk and not just "forget".

Ali, you're right of course. Duly noted.

Am considering testing the sachet in spite of (valid) reasons given as to why it won't necessarily help us get closer to the truth about my DS -- my thinking being, if I find it's steroids then I can be sure it's my DS, and if I find it's any other kind of serious hard stuff (ketamine or amphetamine for ex) I will definitely escalate the investigation because there is no way I am letting my 17 yr old (who in my view is still a minor) dabble with that kind of crap.

Thanks everyone, will let you know if there is an interesting update.

[Claybury]

Probably weed.
Sounds a bit like my DS (17). Lifts weights in room , cares about his body, risk averse in some ways. My DS has smoked weed since he was 14. It is often in small plastic bags. Haven't you found lighters ?
I am always on the look out for signs of steroid use. ( acne/ aggression). None yet.
fwiw I do search his room, as I need to know if it has moved on from weed. I don't have any conscience with that, just keeping him safe.
What's rife here at parties is nitrous oxide ( laughing gas ). If you find balloons and canisters that's it.

Don't be fooled by the ' it's for a friend '. They all say that !! His friend would probably not ask him to stash it if your DS is anti drugs !

[lookingforbaubles]

amazon sell drugs testing kit for a few quid, a simple 'wee on this' will tell you if he is using anything...

[eyebags63]

shockthemonkey
"there is no way I am letting my 17 yr old (who in my view is still a minor) dabble with that kind of crap."

How do you intend to stop him? He is 17 not 10, you can hardly ground him or lock him up. It is shocking to find out he may be experimenting with drugs (steroids would be the least of my concerns tbh), but there is little you can do and treating him like a child won't help.

I think what you can do is talk to him calmly and sensibly about the risks and make it absolutely clear you will not tolerate him keeping or using any drugs or drug paraphernalia in your house. Beyond that is up to him.

I can see little point in getting anything 'tested'. Personally I wouldn't go to the police at this stage because at 17 they are young/foolish and I would be concerned with getting them a criminal record which could affect them for a long time. (CRB checks could bar him from certain careers for years for the sake of a teenage experimentation)

[rale124]

Too liberal? No offence but i'd day your rather strict. And tbqh your in no position to lecturer your nearly adult son about a subject your only just learning yourself off a government information website.

You see it's like this. I'd say your son is a recreational drug user, he uses drugs for fun in his free time or in a social setting. Lots of people go through periods of there lives where they smoke weed or dabble in rave/club drugs such as cocaine, ecestacy. Yes they're risks just like legal drugs but they're only mitagated by proper education and harm reduction. Your son is a very low risk user even his supplier will probably only be another middle class teenager in all likelyhood he'll have bored himself by age 22 and move on to other things in his life.

Reporting to the police, telling teachers, drug testing him and any other punishments will just break any trust he has in you and drive him away. Ultimately that puts him in far more risk than smoking abit of weed with some friends. Let him know your door is open so to speak, tell him you know people experiment but you dont want to be involved and he should respect your house, let him know he can call you if hes in trouble. Apart from that he's pretty much an adult now if not in your eyes he is in the eyes of the outside world.

[SconessMcFloness]

Good sound advice Rale but hard to swallow for most parents.

[Francescal88]

If the bag looks too small for weed it's probably cocaine.
May seem like a stupid idea but if you turned the bag inside out and dabbed the end of your tongue on it, it would taste bitter, like paracetamol.

[DieselSpillages]

I have been told the "just storing the bong for a friend story". I am sure it was probably his bong and the packet had weed in. If he's doing other stuff like speed or mdma he will definitely be having come downs. Look out for extreme moodyness or depression 2/3 days after a party or night out. Lack of appetite and stomach aches.

[shockthemonkey]

Thanks Frances and Diesel. None of these signs as yet but will keep on the look-out

[CalicoBlue]

Shockthemonkey I think you are more strict than being too liberal.

I know my DS (17) smokes weed. He has it in little bags like you describe. I see no point in banning him, that is not going to stop him. He does not smoke it often, and I know when he has. We have talked about the effect and how important his A levels are and he had agreed not to smoke in the lead up to his exams in May. I am keeping an eye on him.

I smoked weed at his age, probably more that he does. He does not know that though.