crisis point with 18 yr old son

[strugglingparent]

My son attempted suicide in the summer. The ambulance came and picked me up on the way to A&E. I love my children more than anything and the experience totally unravelled me. We had been struggling for a while, outbursts of rage (he assaulted someone at college) and a visit to A&E for an alcohol related collapse, he told me he was smoking cannabis, my Nan's wedding ring disappeared... Lots of lies and disappearances. He has had counselling, decided he no longer needs it, dropped out of college and sits on my computer all day. He has outbursts of rage - smashed up several keyboards and mice and my computer desk is ruined. He refuses to wash or change his bed sheets, his room is a mess and he wont help with anything around the house. I can't do anything. I am so afraid of him killing himself I do nothing. I go to the bathroom and cry because I can't stand to hear him screaming - my house is small so it doesn't really help! Just before Christmas he got himself some temporary contract work - the minute he got paid he disappeared again. I asked him to contribute some rent money, we have been struggling as on a low income and without his child benefit and tax credits we don't have enough money to live on, he told me had spent it. He then disappeared again. Today he sent me a text saying he was coming to pick up a TV and some films because he was bored. I think something in me snapped and I said no. He sent me another text saying he was coming to get it anyway. I told him not to bother coming back at all and that he could post about being thrown out of home on Facebook for real this time (on two previous occasions he has done this - whilst I have been frantic with worry trying to find out where he is and check he is OK) I told him I loved him but I have nothing left to give. I know this was stupid but I'm at breaking point. I'm under so much pressure at the moment, financially things are really bad and Christmas is always a horrible time for me. Am being made redundant in the summer and have ongoing medical problems which make my employment prospects pretty poor. I'm trying so hard to be strong and happy for my youngest son, who is a really good lad, but I can't cope anymore. I'm exhausted and everything I say or do just seems to make matters worse. Not sure there is a solution to this - just need someone to tell me it will get better.

[Happy36]

When he comes round to collect the films, can you show him, or tell him, what you've written above?

I'm not sure what to advise you. I hope that maintaining communication between the two of you will enable your relationship to improve and him to gain more self-confidence and behave more positively in all areas of his life, including towards you. Good luck.

[Custardo]

Many sympathies. I have e experienced much teenage shitness xxx. Is it possible for him to go into temp accommodation? IME some kids just have to hit the arsehole of rock bottom before they can emerge.

[Custardo]

I asked son to leave when he waS 18. Luckily he got a flat. He had spent the next 5 yeArs being pretty shit. Then he got a job he has kept for a couple of years. He's still not a well adjusted member of society by anyone else's standards but he had come a long long way. My mum's wedding ring disappeared. Money frequently went missing. Lots of weed involved etc. His younger sister paid off a drug dealer who he owed money too before son got hospitalised for Mon payment...oh the tales. Anyway. He's sorta ok now.

[azA99]

You do need someone - many people - to tell you it will get better. I think it will.

I have this theory that when they see us struggling alone and not getting our own needs met, it makes them angrier. They lash out at us, then feel bad about it, then they self-destruct because they hate themselves for it, and a vicious cycle emerges.

Any way he can see you being treated kindly by someone, and if there is no-one, being kinder to yourself?

[strugglingparent]

I don't think he will come back now, will probably go off radar for a couple of days. I had botched surgery two years ago and ever since then I've really struggled with anxiety - had counselling at the time and they said I had probably always had it, my mother is mentally ill, just went up a gear. I'm supposed to keep it in check by putting my worries on a scale of 1-10 but my 10 is losing my children and they didn't give me a strategy for actually coping with 10!

[MinceSpy]

OP you have reached rock bottom and you've made a decision. Your son is an adult now and has to take responsibility for himself and his actions. You have to protect yourself and your younger son. Don't let him in if you don't want to. Stay strong, virtually holding your hand - you can do this.

[summer68]

Dear,dear strugglingparent, I have a ds so similar and my heart went out to you when reading your post. What came across though is that you are stronger than you believe you are, I don't believe there is anything tougher than having a dc, who you love with all your heart , treat his parent with so much disrespect appearing to have no feeling or care towards those that love them the most. Going "off radar" is their cruel and effective way of hurting us. Please don't fill yourself with remorse at telling him to go, as his mum you did what felt right. May I suggest that your strategy of dealing with"10" be to keep posting here, where you will find support from others of us who know exactly the difficult time you are going through- you may not know us but we are real and here for you. X

[smileyforest]

Struggling...
There are a lot of us going through the same as you...its tragic, hurtful, and it makes us feel like we have failed our children as we wonder why all these things are happening as we love our children and only want them to grow into decent adults.My two youngest children are 16.5 and 18 yr old boys ...believe me I never thought I would have to deal with extreme behaviour and their anger directed towards me. My two older children are in their very early 30's and they 'promise' me my boys will come out the end?? I find it hard to believe at the moment. (things have got slightly better with the 18yo as he has started college and enjoys it) I think the main problem we have today is drugs/cannabis...it is so easy for them to get hold of and use, cheap and peer pressure encourages it. Its devastating for us parents, My boys have wasted lots of money ...I didn't realise at one point that this was where they were spending pocket money, Birthday money etc....I don't give cash now- only small amount for their needs but the eldest does work p/t so spends that money as he wishes.
The biggest help I got was coming on here and venting my feelings, I work for the Health Service full time and am a single parent and tried desperately to find help, but little around for support.
What can you do? I have said if my boys ever get violent with me or in the house I will call the Police and I stand by that. You need space from your boy, I really hope you can get that. Have you got a family member you can talk to and who would help?
I feel for you, I really do, the holidays are the worse, My boys are out tonight-always makes me feel on edge, as just hope they come home safely and not smelling of weed....xxx take care of yourself...yes we are real and here for you x

[heyday]

Is your DS receiving help from a mental health professional? He sounds as if he definitely has depression and may well have other undiagnosed mental health disorders.
It might be worth you trying to speak to someone at either YoungMinds or Mind as they have extensive experience of dealing with mental health issues.
I know full well how these sorts of problems can push a parent to breaking point. The ridiculous lack of employment for young people also has a profoundly negative affect on their mental health and self esteem.
Try and stay strong. Try to believe that these horrible times will hopefully end in time and try to call one of the above charities for some support.

[strugglingparent]

Thank you so much for your lovely messages of support. Has been a difficult day. The police found a young lad in the canal this morning, had been missing since going out Christmas Eve. He worked with my son. Everything just seems so overwhelmingly sad at the moment.

[heyday]

Young people are under more pressure nowadays than ever before and there has been a huge rise in depression and mental illness in recent years. Parents are also under huge pressure as we are expected to parent our offspring for so much longer as many of them are not gaining employment and or moving away from the family home due to high living costs. The rules and expectations change constantly but non of us are given any help or support in how to make relationships with our older children work.
Young people frequently see others on Internet taking their own lives and cling on to this as being the only way out of their miserable, turbulent existence.
Please try to get some professional support for him and some advice and support for yourself. It's tough right now but hopefully in time, and with correct support, things will get gradually get better.

[smileyforest]

So true Heyday...finding it much harder with my second set of children. OP, I really hope you get some help...Our teens are under so much pressure these days...its quite sad....keep posting ....