13 year old girl hating her appearance! help!

[bigfatred]

my dd is 13. lovely looking albeit waiting for braces, curvey size 12-14 with a bit of a tum. convinced all friends size 8, gorgeous etc and so every time there is a social event there is a huge trauma in the home. have tried everything and always make sure she has nice clothes that suit but are funky without constantly buying her stuff. she just will not accept that she looks fine. have encouraged about posture and whata difference it makes without nagging but just get grunted at. do sympathise - was much bigger @ that age than now and remember self conscious etc and i only had brother's old clothe! stress all the usual things about being positive and so forth, but just can't seem to get her to get on with it and enjoy. life is too short. any bright ideas?

[KTeepee]

I know someone whose dd is attractive but not conventionally pretty, iyswim, and when she was younger was very insecure about her looks. One thing the mum did was take her dd for a professional photo session (somewhere in london I think) and got some lovely photos done of her. The photographer also paid her dd lots of compliments which boosted her confidence no end.

[bigfatred]

had wondered about that but then she is sooooo rude about her friends who have done that and plastered themselves on their bebo pages. maybe self-defence. think hardest thing is really being able to empathise but my own ma was hopeless, never encouraged, never praised so am trying absolutely not to be like that without going over board the other way. mother of dd's bf always telling her own dd how 'sexy' she is which shocks me to pieces. right balance and her believng it seems a hard equation.

[shewhoneverdusts]

completely sympathise with you on this one. My dd is also 13. Monday night she was very quiet and withdrawn eventually she opened up and said "I have to wear glasses, I need braces, I have ginger hair, and warts on my hands, I hate everything about me"!. I had no answer to all of that at first. I offered to have her hair highlighted, I have already bought her contact lenses (but don't want her to wear them every day,. It is so frustrating as all the suggestions I make are turned down.
The girls in her set at school are total bitches and I am sure this doesn't help, they also have a lot more money than we do, so they spend it every weekend and make her feel worse about herself when she can't buy something new every time. Oh and she is also seeing her learning mentor on a regular basis to help with her self confidence, poor thing.
I don't have any really helpful suggestions, but I totally empathise with you. Keep talking to her and reassuring her.

[bigfatred]

oh yes. poor kid and poor you. constant rebuttal is very wearing and am with you on the money thing as others always seem to have new 'outfits' (not just a tee -shirt) and so on. giving all the right messages about whatis important and i know she knows it but it's horrid to see.

[Molesworth]

How awful for you but ime it's normal at that age My dd has come through that stage now (she is 15) - although she has plenty of teen insecurities still, she's much more comfortable about her appearance now. So I think all you can do is be positive (as you are being) and know that she will come through this stage before long

[nearlythree]

I can (dimly) remember being a teenager and I never listened to my mum. I di dlisten to my oder cousin though. Does your dd have an older friend or relative whose help you can enlist/ maybe you could also look at the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty site - I like it but maybe teenagers think it sucks, I don't know.

Re clothes, I buy most of my stuff on ebay - I get brand new Monsoon stuff at half the shop prices. Maybe your dd (with your help of course)could look on there for nwe or nearly new funky stuff, then sell it on, thus funding her next purchase?

Failing all else, buy her 'The Female Eunuch' and 'The Whole Woman' by Germaine Greer. I intend to give them to my dds when they start secondary school!

[CorpseBride]

Wouldn't it be great if girls didn't worry about their appearance. But they do. And healthy living is a good thing - so suggest she do some sport if she doesn't already, swimming is excellent for the female physique and if you can afford it, sign up for something trendy at the gym.

Get a free makeover at department store - Clinique is good for teenage skin.

Go to hairdressers for cut & colour or just have them teach her new ways to style her hair.

Get nails done - nail polish being cheap you could both choose a few new colours and have 'nail night' together.

And remember. Nicole Kidman has ginger hair. And I bet she wore braces too.

[mell2]

I don't have any advice as i think you are doing everything right. I totally know where you are coming from - i have a dd who has just turned 14. I really don't remember it being this difficult when i was a teenager. There is so much pressure for them to look a certain way and shewhoneverdusts is right - girls can be so bitchy!

Just carry on talking, talking, talking.
We will get through these teen years!

[lou33]

i had this recently with dd1, she is 14 1/2,about 5ft 9/10, blonde and v slender (her mates tend to be shorter and curvier), and she's been suffering badly with acne as well as wearing braces

she was crying most days saying she hated everything about herself esp her spots, so i took her to the gp and he prescribed an anti biotic lotion to apply, which has made quite a difference, tho they havent gone totally

he also spent a long time reassuring her about the way she felt and looked

it does seem to have helped her confidence

seems to be about the age of 13 or so that their insecurities come gushing out

[shewhoneverdusts]

Bigfatred, don't you just HATE bebo for the whole problem with insecurities? DD's friends are plastered all over their sites with other girls gushing " aaww babe you look so hot and well pretty in your pic" (sorry that has to be said with a sickly sweet but slightly cheap voice), and the other replies "no babe, you are much more well fitter than me" aaaarrrgh, it makes me sick. Sorry had to get that off my chest.
Anyway, I was going to ask you, if it's not too personal, has your dd started her periods yet? The reason I ask is dd hasn't and I think that possibly adds to the problem, in that most of her friends are a lot bigger than her (she did gym for 6 years which definitely held back her development) and started about two/three years ago, so they have all gone through the phase she is at and are at the other side IYSWIM and they are all much more confident than she is.

[mell2]

oh exactly shewhoneverdusts! We never had those bloody websites to deal with did we! If i ever see 'well good' in any of her written work, MSN is banned! A lot of bitchiness goes on after school on MSN. They don't just have to deal with it at school nowadays.

[fairyjay]

Dd is 13 and she is lovely, but find things to hate continually - and the bitchiness in their year group doesn't help.

My ds (14) was born with a cleft lip and palate - and although he is a good looking lad, he does look 'different' around the mouth and nose. He doesn't seem to worry, and will happily talk about his cleft. Mind you, I understand that he has told a few people who asked that his nose was broken in a fight!!

We have always drummed into the children that it's what's inside that counts and not what's outside.

My constant reply when dd says that someone has been picking faults with her is that they're obviously jealous. Probably equally childish, but makes us both feel better.

[stleger]

Who'd be 13 again? Can I ask re braces - are they done on the NHS? I'm in Ireland and you can only get the equivalent of NHS braces for teeth so 'sticking out' they may be broken, and there is a long wait. As a result many are done privately, and expensively - but earlier. My 13 year old is nearly finished. The orthodontist thinks they are more cooperative at a younger age. I wonder if it is one less trauma in the teens? My dd has an earring habit, but is willing to buy bargain job lots in Claires. Clothes shopping is a nightmare. Her friend is about to get purple tips on her hair, but I must not say to her 'Lovely dear, all ready for halloween'.

[Tortington]

i second the whole pampering idea - along with starting a new class of sometkind - maybe with you?

rock climbing ( in sport centre) trampolining - there is fun stuff about.

i must say after i had offered for hair to be redone, had got the clothes - as oyou have , and offered for a class

if there was still moaning - i would be of the "shut up and do something about it then" POV

hope this helps!

[Moomin]

Have you shown her the Dove website? There's a great illustration of how normal bodies would look when given the stats of a Barbie doll and lots of stuff about airbrushed models and healthy shapes and sizes. There's also a mother and daughter kit. I'm using it at school at the moment in trying to help teenage kids improve their self-esteem and body image. God it's tough being a teenager these days!

[fairyjay]

I don't think braces are a problem - at the moment they seem to be 'cool'. Dd has just had hers removed, but Ds has just had his fitted.

They've both made no fuss - and the Dentist said that he's been inundated with kids wanting braces when they don't really need them.

[shewhoneverdusts]

We have been told for dds orthodontic work on the NHS there will be an 18 month wait before treatment even starts. If we are prepared to find £2687.00 we can start next week! Also if we go private we can have out of school appointment times which are reserved for private patients. Unfortunately we just cannot afford this and dd will have to wait until she is nearly 15 before she starts.
Oh and as for the literacy skills with the 'well good' etc I am amazed at how bad the spelling is on these Bebo sites, the problem is that they are learning how to spell badly and take it into the classroom.

[bigfatred]

some really good advice, and yes loathe bebo! naturally dd with fabulously cury hair wishes it was straight but moans about everyone straightening their hair too! caught between wanting to be part of the crowd and wanting to be different. dove is great and she loves the adverts because hse can relate to them and see how gorgeous these women are. waiting for braces, think ONLY about another 6 months to go but don't think it will be too bad as they are'cool' which is odd as i remember being mortified. things that i thought would bother her (such as scar from an operation) don't as she seems to accept they are just a part of her; it's the rest of her she can't deal with!

[nearlythree]

If you decide to go down the workout class/makeover route I strongly suggest you enlist an older teenager/twentysomething who can say, 'I'm going to xxxxx, fancy coming?' rather than you saying, 'You should go to step classes, darling.' If the suggestion comes from you she will start believing all the crap that is in her head - that she needs to lose weight, has bad skin, whatever - that was how I took any suggestion my mother made. If it comes from someone cool, however, it should just be a bit of (slightly grown-up) girly fun.

[bigfatred]

hoping to find something she can do with cousin rather than me. she knows i have done loads of different things over the years and has (forunately) said 'now it's my turn', and she woudl not think it cool do go with me. hard toget balance between do this becuase you may enjoy it, not becasue you want to change the way you are. all seems to be about careful juggling.