Not sure what to do for the best, unruly teen daughter

[moomoo1967]

On Monday before school my DD age 14 couldn't find her umbrella, I did mention that I had suggested she get her school bag ready the day before, she told me to 'shut the fcuk up' as usual I said 'don't swear at me, if you carry on then your fone will get confiscated.' She then left for school. After school she apologised. Fine all week then I get home and she didn't like what I had cooked for dinner so I got told to 'fcuk off'. I went upstairs, asked for the fone, she wouldn't give it to me so I wrestled it off her and went downstairs to the strains of 'you fat c##t'. So her TV got unplugged too, and all this before I had even had chance fo eat dinner. She did come down and apologise but only because she wanted her fone back not because she felt that she had done anything wrong. I am at the end of my tether. She has said she is moving out and will not be coming home after school tomorrow. Does anyone have any experience of this, any advice without too much scorn and derison being thrown at me ?

[constantlyconfused]

Whats she like at school? Don't give her phone back ! DD has never sworn at me but is pretty challenging in other ways. Stay strong don't give in and they get the hint eventually. I'd take phone and ground for a solid 7 days then make it clear if she treats you like that again same thing will happen.I think they all say they are leaving home whether she does or not different matter DD says shes leaving everytime i say no or sanction she has never done it! Be strong and ignore the sickly sweet apologies well dont ignore but don't give phone back. Taking DDs phone is only thing that works.Do you have a good relationship when shes not angry?!

[Heyho111]

Read the book - get out my life but first take me and Alex to town. It's fantastic.
Arguing, sanctions etc don't work. They will make the situation worse. I'm not saying they can do what they want. She knows she's done wrong. Teens brains are making them be independant and move away from parents. The brain does this by making the teen feel hatred towards their parent. Some get it more than others. Your d is getting waves of real hatred towards you. It's not her fault or in her control. You battle her she will just feel more hatred at that time.
Pick your battles. I've got one who has come out the other end and one just started.
I deal with being told to F off by turning it into a joke. "I would if I could but there isn't anyone her to F off with, shame". Or "yup I've got one of those but what's that got to do with Shepards pie". And then I walk away. How they are with you is not the adult they will be. It's how they are with other people that is the true self.

[moomoo1967]

Sorry my net connection disappeared, it wasn't intentional that I posted and ran ! She is polite and well mannered which I guess is a good thing. We had a chat once everything had calmed down, she apologised again especially for calling me fat which had hit a raw nerve. I must admit I do swear alot but not in a work or social situation which I think is where that one is coming from now she is older, she never did it when she was little. We have both agreed to try not to swear and have got a swear pot. She is grounded for the weekend which really means until next weekend as she isn't allowed out on a school night as I can't drive so it means me walking to get her and I have plantar fasciitis at present. Thanks for the advice and it helps knowing it isn't only me it happens to. Yes I do need to choose my battles, she has agreed to try to be more organised with her school stuff too and to do things first time. Damn I feel this is one of many clashes to come over the next couple of years

[moomoo1967]

yes heyho I would saybthat we have a good relationship when she is not angry, she has talked to me about some pretty personal stuff over the past few months. She has always been feisty. I have reiterated the point that if she swears at me then privileges are withdrawn

[HesNotAMessiah]

Be prepared for all those things she's promised not happening, cos sure as eggs are eggs they won't. Shee's a teen, that's what happens.

Yes, had DD threatening to leave, and she did for a night at first, then a weekend, then came home.

We have managed to move away from the parent/child relationship with her which is what a lot of people struggle with. That's allowed her to open up to how she feels and the torrent of emotions she's sometimes dealing with which has meant we've been able to get her open to the suggestion of counselling at school and via the GP which she says she wants because she doesn't like feeling this way.

As for the swearing and stuff, when she's on form she'll go for that but its still something we won't tolerate so it's a quick 'leave that at school/for your friends' and that tends to put it back in the box.

It is exasperating, but recognise teens have the attention span of a goldfish and the memory of a fruit fly and just keep reminding them if you're expecting them to do something.

And I find having 'consequences if' conversations rather than 'pinishment because' works a lot better, but only if your teen believes you will carry those through.

[Vikingbiker]

Fiesty is fine as long as she feels treasured and listened to by you and you have fair boundaries. Look on amazon for some books about parenting teens

[jellybeans]

I have read loads of books including the ones mentioned and I disagree that they 'can't help' telling you to fuck off. Don't put up with it. Slamming doors maybe or rolling eyes but not verbal abuse. It isn't acceptable whoever in the home it is done by. It is damaging if done in front of younger siblings also.

I have had a very challenging DD, 18 now. From a baby she had a very 'determined' temperament. Sweetness and light everywhere else (and 90 percent while at home) but when in a mood at home (almost always boyfriend related-she takes out on us rather than him) is hideous. She only 'crossed the line' to verbal abuse towards us aged 17 and has been abusive and violent to siblings (hospital trip for one brother).

I refuse to tolerate it or pay for someone's privileges (and phones etc are) whilst they have no respect for me/others. If extreme verbal abuse/damaging property then DD looses phone/wifi laptop etc. AND cannot stay here (I appreciate she is older than your DD). This hard line approach worked with DD and she is now fine. She did spend a couple of weeks living elsewhere and was begging to come home by the end of it, even though she was spoiled rotten at relatives. She knows if she does all that again she is on her own (she has friends and relatives to stay with- she won't be on the streets). Things are so calm now and she feels bad the way she treated everyone.

On the other hand, DD's bf has no consequences to his anger outbursts and has assaulted his own parents and smashed up his house etc and still it is ongoing aged 18. His parents say 'he can't help it'.

So if there is any abuse there should be consequences!

[moomoo1967]

I have just ordered the book Heyho recommended to my Kindle so I shall have a gander tonight, thanks, have a good weekend everyone.

[mumofthreegirls80]

I know what u mean! Been there and sometimes go back there now it's a warning then all electronic devices confiscated for 24 hours! If in that 24 hours it continues then it's another 24 hours! Ye not long but to a teen it's a lifetime lol Most of the attitude I do ignore but foul language is a no no! My daughters apologise and half the time they don't mean it it's just to get there own way! Stay calm as you can and don't rise to it! It just seems to cause you more stress than them don't try and say much when yr both at loggerheads wait till the situation is calm then say what needs to be said. Also when things are calm ask her if everything's ok with school, friends etc life! Most times my teens seem to be nasty with me when something else is happening in there life! good luck x

[moomoo1967]

well she did break up from her first boyfriend in the Half Term break but I thought we had dealt with it then. thanks.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

She sounds pretty good to me. Yes, it probably doesn't look like it, but if there are calms between the storms you're still in with a chance.
Between 12 and 16 DD was hard going: unhygienic, rude, contemptuous, self loathing over her weight and academic failure. Didn't get it right all the time, but we made it by gritting our teeth, biting our tongues and exchanging wifi and money for basic good manners.

Odd meltdown after 16, but we now live with a merry lunatic who has lost 6 stone and is back on track for A levels.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Oh, and couselling works. It really does.

[moomoo1967]

Sounds better then Disgrace I guess we have to take the rough with the smooth, but I wish there was more smooth at present, it has been a rough year with several family/friend members being diagnosed with cancer.