DS (12) so rude and nasty much of the time, his relationship with DH going downhill fast. I need to vent (long)

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I haven't quite got a teen yet but looking for advice from those that are already there...

DS (Y8 and 13 in Jan) has obviously started hitting puberty hard and fast, massive growth and looks like a different child if you compare him now with a photograph from last xmas. So I know he is a mass of hormones but:

He is just so rude and unpleasant much of the time that it is really getting me down and affecting the atmosphere of the whole house. He is also pretty lazy and needs nagging to do stuff but I could do battle with that without it getting to me if it wasn't for the nastiness.

He has no enthusiasm for anything apart from being in his room on xbox/watching dvds on his own or with one or both of his best mates. We have put a timer on the xbox but he gets round that by going to aforementioned friend's houses and getting extra gaming time there.

He complains bitterly about having to do anything as a family even though we are careful to build lots of free time into weekends/school holidays. He even whinged on holiday about missing his friends/xbox. At dinner time he rushes to finish as quickly as possible and we rarely get any pleasant conversation out of him.

He is horrible to me a lot of the time and to DD (10) but saves the worst of his nastiness for DH. DH is a really devoted dad, desperate for a good relationship with DS and has come recently to the conclusion that DS has no desire to share any of his outdoorsy/sporting hobbies and has been trying more low key ways to spend time with him like recording a programme he thinks DS might fancy watching with him. Usually DS will just say no and go off to his room.

He really upset DH last night. DH is away on business most of the week and had face timed home. Me and DD spoke to him and then i took the iPad though to DS's bedroom so they could talk. DS managed a couple of pleasant sentences and then his eyes glazed over and his started answering in vague one word answers. Then DH said "Oh don't bother then, give me back to mum" and was raging on to me about how things had changed, was such a shame, etc. Yes, I know he needs to stop giving DS such a reaction.

Positives: of course we love him very much. DS is bright, funny and good company when he wants to be. He is doing well at school where apparently he has a wide circle of friends and is well behaved (!). DS says he saves his "good juice" for school and grandparents (for whom he is a delight) and has none left for home.

So if you have got this far, does this sound like normal almost teen behaviour? Best teen book recommendations? Hope that DC can be like this and come out as pleasant human beings at the other side?

[myotherusernameisbetter]

I'm not much further down the line than you are DS1 just turned 14 and DS2 just turned 13. Both great hulking beasts but DS1 is pretty quiet - he had one tantrum as a toddler and then gave up when we ignored it and has slammed one door as a teenager. DS2 probably very much like your son. he has always been more tempramental with higher highs and lower lows and a stronger will. Like your son, he gets great reports from school and is doing really well at everything else, in the main he is pretty compliant but when you need him to do something while he is engrossed with friends he can be a cheeky wee so and so. I know it does no good to shout but I blew my top at his attitude the other night. When you speak to him rationally and quietly you get a pretty good response but fighting fire with fire rarely works. I just count my blessings when i can :)

I'm sure he will be a good man, he is bright, articulate and caring underneath the 'tude. i find that setting out the plan when he is in a good mood helps. For example, I'll say, "after dinner, can you get your homework out the way and pick up in your bedroom, that way you have the evening free to go on with your friends without interuption" Usually he will do it as underneath it all he is a rule follower. I also try to kill him with kindness and polite requests as much as possible to show that it is nice to be nice and it also works better than a demand.

I'm hoping someone with greater experience comes along.

[Olbas]

It's like the "Alpha male" is being chalenged by the younger male to take over as head of the pack....it's bloody hard work for everyone We have been through this and it's getting better now, the only thing is we have two more boys so it will start all over again... life was so much simpler when they were babies!

[MyballsareSandy]

Haven't much advice but lots of sympathy as one of my DDs is very similar. She's 13 and it gets me down at times. I agree with trying not to fight fire with fire but it's hard not to at times. I manage this better than DH who really lost it with her yesterday due to her rudeness but then the whole family seems to be envelope in a bad atmosphere.

Removal of gadgets helps her realise she has over stepped the mark and she is reasonably pleasant and helpful until they're returned, then the cycle starts again it seems.

[Thedardanelles]

My 12yo called me a cunt, threw a chair at me and demanded my death over removal of devices. And that was just this evening. Makes me wish I still smoked - at least then I wouldn't be tearing up and shaking.

Sorry, no advice. Just solidarity. I wish none of this was happening.

[Fairylea]

I think - at the risk of being flamed - you just have to step back a bit and not pressure him to spend time with you / dh. At that age it's very normal to think your parents are the most embarrassing and boring people in the world and to want to spend all their time with their friends. Honestly. I was like it. My dd is like it.

I think rather than trying to get him to spend time doing things you want to do I'd actually go the other way and let him do what he likes - unlimited xbox as long as homework is done and turned off for reasonable bedtime and let go and see friends as much as he wants etc as opposed to going out with you.

Maybe trying to embrace the stage rather than battling against it might make things a bit more positive all round.

In return for a little less nagging and more freedom I'd negotiate that he has to be less rude to you both (I'd actually discuss it and say that) so he knows it's conditional. He has to have a reasonable relationship with you both if he expects you to be reasonable to him.

That's how I work with my dd who is the same age. I don't limit screen time and she is allowed to go out with her friends as she wants to at the weekend as long as she is back on time, contactable and homework is done to a good standard and on time. Otherwise things are revoked and wifi turned off. Likewise for being rude.