My 15 year old daughter struggles to make friends.

[Scotscat18]

My 15 year old daughter struggles to make friends and get on with her peers. She does have one friend but still feels very lonely at school and feels on the fringe of the group she's with at break times as she's only there because her friend is. She does try to get herself involved in conversations but she feels ignored and can't seem to be herself. She's been really down recently, not herself, lack of appetite, not really bothered about things. It's been because of something happening at school that may have affected her only friendship and I think this has made her feel very vulnerable. She's such a lovely caring girl, we have a great relationship with her at home, she does speak to us about worries but really want some advice. Help!!

[Thecroissantthief]

I really feel for you, my 15 year old DD has always struggled at school to make friends with her peers. One of the reasons being that her interests are different from most of her peers and she just won't pretend to be interested in the latest thing just to be like others. She's also very shy and just doesn't do gossip and bitching, all that who's friends with who malarkey goes over her head. However, outside of school she has made some good friends in clubs. Does your DD belong to any clubs? I know that 15 is perhaps not the best time to be joining as it's GCse year, but if it'll boost her confidence it'll be worth it.

[TeenAndTween]

Can my 15 year old DD be friends with your 2? Sounds like they would all get on fine.

Sorry, same position here too, and no advice.

[Scotscat18]

It is awful isn't it! She is into different things and is definitely not a sheep so she won't just pretend to be into something or like like someone when she dosent. She does sound similar to your daughter in the way you've described her and I feel she would thrive if just in the right setting with other teens that get her! I'm looking at the moment for out of school stuff she can do. I'm very limited and have been looking for sort of arty course for her for her age group but I'm struggling for under 16s and no one seems to be getting back to me where I have enquired! I'm going to keep battling on but it's always nice to share my pain and feel I have other support do thanks for your comments x

[Thecroissantthief]

It is definitely good to know you're not alone. A few times over the years I have started conversations with other mums just tentatively saying that DD doesn't go out much, just to see if they have any advice, but often the other mums would launch into "oh you're so lucky, mine is out all the time, never off the phone etc. We had to get her this and that and she has to be like her friends....." and I know they have absolutely no idea of what having a DD like mine is like and I keep quiet as seeking advice would be pointless. Or they would say "oh she should chat to my DD, she's a lovely girl really friendly, I'm sure she wouldn't mind your DD joining her at lunch" when in reality her DD is one of the group of girls who for years have just ignored my DD or looked at her like she was something horrible on their shoe. The stratification of pupils in a secondary school is scary - its a very complex caste system.

My DD has a great love of animals and nature conservation and has done voluntary work and met some lovely people and this has given her ideas for the future that are helping her survive school. Something to look forward to and she now has such plans for the next few years. Good luck with finding a class, even a day event in the holidays would be something to start. It was like a weight lifted off my DDs shoulders knowing that she would be with others her age at a group, but no one from her school.

[Scotscat18]

Sounds like your daughter is lucky to have her out of school interests and something that's giving her a focus. Hopefully in time things will change. She is trying a little bit more to make conversations within the group that she hangs around with at break times and I'm having to sit back and let her deal with this social situation herself instead of feeling like I have to step in and help her all the time, I feel that I do take everything my children go through very personally and just want to scoop them up and make it all ok. I'm very lucky to have such a lovely sensible girl who isn't materialistic, self obsessed and selfish like most teenagers (obviously she has her hormonal days) but there's the part of me that almost wishes she was more like the stereotypical teen just because I want that normality for her that she sees in her school and what we see all around us but who am I to say how things should be for her. I know when she goes on to further education she will come into her own and will feel like she belongs. She does at the moment essentially need to help herself and work things out and I just have to be here for her. I've suggested lots of things to her after school activities and she's really not struck on the idea and don't feel like we can force her. She does have a little sat job which she enjoys and she has plenty to get on with after school with her homework etc.
I'm probably worrying needlessly but don't think that ever stops really does it!

[Thecroissantthief]

I know exactly what you mean, I could have written your post. I also feel immensely proud and lucky that my DD is not materialistic, selfish and self obsessed, and her strength of character amazes me sometimes, but yes I have also wished that she was just a little bit more like a typical teenager so she's accepted by the girls at school a bit more. Over the years, however, I do think that DDs character will result more positives than negatives for her and as DD doesn't seem to be subject to peer pressure like other teenagers, perhaps in reality I have less to worry about than the parents of typical teens. People have told me that from sixth form onwards everything changes and I think DD will really love it - she'll never be a social butterfly but will definitely feel more at ease. Until then I'll just always be here telling her how wonderful she is and how proud I am.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

I really feel for your daughter. I spent my whole time at high school in the same position. If it's any comfort, Ihave never had a problem making and keeping friends since I left school, but it was awful at the time.

One thing that helped was getting a Saturday job, as it gave me something to focus on, and having my own money helped with self esteem.

[Littlehomebird]

A Saturday job can be hugely beneficial in building confidence. It has made a difference to my son who is no longer painfully shy - just shy.

[takethat2]

my dd is 13 and is going thru the same thing...every sunday she gets so filled with anxiety over things like will the teacher not ask her any questions because she is afraid to answer in front of the class, will the girls in her class judge what she is wearing, judge her hair or laugh at her for some reason or another...she finally came to me for help and asked to see a therapist which she had been refusing to do since the divorce..I Wonder if her shyness is not at the root of her anxiety but i am sure relieved that she will begin seeing a therapist with in a few weeks which i am hoping will help her because its heart wrenching to Watch her suffer....i am sorry to hear that your daughter is suffering and should u need to talk or even vent about things please feel free to contact me and i will provide u with 2 shoulders to cry on....please take care