DS13 told friend we hate each other and i'd never been there for him - gutted

[Boysandme]

We had an 'interesting' summer with DS(13) and resulted in many chats and a period of not getting on. More upset rather than shouting though.

Part of the outcome of this was that we said we'd be keeping a closer eye on him. All as part of we really love him, don't want him to mess up his life and we will always be there for him etc.

This week he is like a transformed character, him and I have been getting on great. Have even spent cuddle time together watching football on Monday night etc, like the old days. It's been lovely.

This morning I saw a message on his facebook, was open, I know I shouldn't have looked and no good comes to snoopers etc and I clearly now know that so please don't flame me for that. Anyway there was a message to a friend last night saying

"HI, I'm talking to my parents again, I'm alright with my dad but me and my mum still hate each other but oh well haha"
Friend says "Good, at least u got one back"
DS replied "oh well I couldn't care less anyway its always been my dad who was there for me out of them"

I am absolutely gutted, floored and really upset. I could understand the first message if we still weren't getting on but we have been getting on great.

And the second message makes me think I must have really fucked up this parenting lark. It is true that DS1 (13) spends more time with DH and DS2 (10) spends more time with me generally, but it is always me that DS1 comes to if he's upset, needs a cuddle, who calms him down etc.

I know teenagers do slag off parents but I am gutted and don't know what to do. He knows the deal is that we can read his messages and we need to learn to trust him again (he was experimenting with weed a few times over the holidays), but I don't necessarily want to confess to seeing this one.

Any ideas?? Any thoughts, Anything???

I have to go to a client now unfortunately as I am really not in the mood but will check in again at lunchtime.

Thank you for getting this far.

[wtffgs]

I remember writing similarly about my DM I did love her really and miss her every day since she died.

I don't have words of wisdom as I have a preteen. Just wanted to send you

[Regressionconfession]

That's really tough and hurtful. I'm sorry.

I remember quite clearly telling someone that I hated my mum when I was a similar age. I wasn't a particularly difficult teenage and was very close to her. Like you, I think she'd set some boundaries about boyfriends etc and I must have just been over dramatising it in typical teenage fashion. It makes me cringe now.

I'm sure your son doesn't hate you. He's probably chosen you to 'scapegoat' or rebel against because he feels most secure with you.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

I agree with Regression. Try not to dwell on it.
My DC once wrote that I'd pulled in at a motorway service station and turfed them out of the car before driving off
It was just attention seeking bravado which hurt me at the time. It didn't last, about 9 years later we started getting along really well

[Regressionconfession]

Also, could it be possible he wrote it knowing that you would read it. Maybe he's testing you/boundaries - seeing if you still show him love despite him pushing you away sort of thing?

[Boysandme]

Thank you for your replies, they have been comforting.

My gut feeling is that he doesn't actually hate me but it is gutting that he is telling people we hate each other especially when we seem to be getting on so well. A couple of weeks ago I could have understood.

Nothing to be done really I guess, just keep showing him I love him and am there for him. Doesn't stop me feeling very hurt though.

Let's hope it's less than 9 years until he likes me again enrique

[Boysandme]

I suppose it is typical teenage stuff but the bit about me not being there is cutting. It was me getting between him and DH having massive arguments on holiday!

Anyway, life as a parent of a teen.....

I will try to focus on the nice bits.

[Boysandme]

Thanks again.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

Boys my comment wasn't made to send you into hiding for 10 years or so I had a rough ride, DH much less so, but one thing I can pass on to you from experience is please don't take too much to heart. I was desperate to be a good mother and for things to go smoothly.
With hindsight I think I was actually a decent mother, but I worried far too much and would dwell on things instead of accepting that in our case my DC just had a difficult teenage experience that no one else's input was going to help.

I was the whipping boy and looking back, apparently, a lot of the stuff that cut me to the quick has been totally purged from memory
So I'd say just keep on doing what you know is right, they're grown up for much longer than they're children and perceptions change. You won't always be cast in the role of 'bad cop'

[Boysandme]

Thanks enqrique, interesting that one parent ends up the scapegoat and of course that DC don't even notice they are doing it and being so hurtful and have erased it from memory.

I remember hating my parents when I was about 17-18 just before going to university but at least I hated them equally

[heather1]

My first thought was that you should absolutely look at his Fb! In face computer/mobile phone privileges should only be given on the condition you can access all the sights he uses!
But he could just be showing off to his friends.
I'm must admit to don't have teenagers yet, I'm slightly dreading it.
It must he very hurtful. But if he is cuddling up to you, well I think with boys actions speak louder than words. At the moment his actions are showing that he loved you.

[LastingLight]

It's probably the "in thing" among his friends to boast about how horrible your parents are. Judge the situation by his actions towards you rather than his electronic words. But yes, I would find it hurtful too.

[DarkHeart]

I told all my friends I hated my dad at that age and even wrote it in my diary but I loved him really. Still don't know why I kept saying I hated him.

[Needstrength14]

I used to quite often tell friends I 'hated ' in a jokey way my parents as they drove me scatty...I didn't I in fact was really close to my dad but I just found them annoying maybe

[Heyho111]

This is normal teen stuff. His brain is switching between adult and child state. He is trying to become independant and is full of sexual thoughts. Boys stay friendly with dads but distance themselves more from their mums. It's normal.
Please buy a book on teenage psychology. They are great. It makes sense of everything.

[Anotherchapter]

Oh god they can be cruel sometimes!

I read dd diary once and apparently she hated me too oh and I also ruined Xmas news to me.

Love bomb him. Tell him how much you love him.

Me and dd stayed being 'friends' again when she was 18.

[Boysandme]

Thank you all for your reassurances. He continues to be absolutely lovely to me and even got Ito bed for a cuddle this morning for the first time in a while.

Why are they so blinking complicated?'vn

[Boysandme]

That was meant to be ?!?! At the end, clearly I forgot the shift key

[ImperialBlether]

I would have to let him know I'd seen the message and that I was very hurt. I'd find it hard to be civil to him knowing what he was telling his friends.

He's old enough to face the consequences of his actions. Tell him you saw the messages.