parents of DD's friends "hate her" what to do!

(14 Posts)
lucydaniels4658 Sun 20-Jul-14 14:02:45

My DD is 13 and quite frankly im finding this age really tricky .Never seems to be more than 5 minutes without some drama low level stuff being left out , girls being bitchy , insecurities about figure hair teeth the lot!My DD's best friend has been off with her making excuses about why she cant sleepover ect still best of friends in school.Anyhow it transpires the reason she is putting off there arrangements is because her friends mum "hates her and wants my DD no where near her DD" . My DD is really upset and im not sure how to handle this situation.I have spoken to mum via phone in past but dont know her very well torn about whether to chat with her or stay well out of it! Teenage anxst seems to have transfered onto me!

NatashaBee Sun 20-Jul-14 14:04:29

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing to the mum, the friend might not be telling the truth...

VeryStressedMum Sun 20-Jul-14 14:07:37

You don't know the whole story, but why exactly would this woman hate your dd? But tbh I'd be telling my dd to start making other friends too.

GalaxyInMyPants Sun 20-Jul-14 14:09:24

Has your dd done anything to make the mum consider her a bad influence?

But yes, the girl could be making excuses.

GrowlLikeMargeSimpson Sun 20-Jul-14 14:14:46

I'd say it's more likely that the two of them together are annoying to have in the house. There are some of DS's friends that I don't like having over to play because DS really acts up when they are here (DS isn't a teen yet though, I'm not looking forward to that).

If, for instance, both girls kept the whole household awake until the early hours on the last sleepover then it's fair enough not to want her back. Friend telling your DD that her mum 'hates' her is either bad interpretation or misdirection because she doesn't want to take her share of responsibility for how it went wrong.

Nobody needs sleepovers, you could advise your DD to stay calm, behave with consideration at other people's houses (even if the child of the house is acting up) and hope that the whole thing passes.

lucydaniels4658 Sun 20-Jul-14 14:35:56

My DD has ADHD but isnt a bad influence she isnt into hanging round ,drinking ect seems to prefer having people over or doing activities . At school she can be quite hard work in terms of not concentrating and chatting lots .School are quite negative about my DD so i have a feeling the school have spoken to the mother about my DD distracting her . It has happened in the past unfortunatley. I wouldnt go in all guns blazing just find all these teen dramas such hard work as affects home life so much with DD being anxious,angry and upset.

Beenspotted Sun 20-Jul-14 20:29:15

I'm wondering if I'm the other mother, anyone else?!

I don't hate the kid in question at all, she can be very sweet, but...
She doesn't work as hard as I expect my dd to and she tries to use her as a benchmark of what is acceptable, prior to her arrival dd had never been in a physical fight...if I go into why no sleepovers I'll out myself but I have my reasons. I don't hate the other kid. I just know that mine isn't currently mature enough to make good choices around her without direct supervision.

If you feel brave could you work on building a relationship with the other mum? Even if you're not going to be best mates it might be helpful to be able to do coffee and translate what the kids are on about/make them less able to get away with whatever, which may well get worse as they get older.
I'd be receptive to it (wonders if the phone is going to ring...)

Beenspotted Mon 21-Jul-14 05:33:51

Have my reasons for not letting any of my children have a sleepover that is, not exclusively the friend I have some reservations about.

nooka Mon 21-Jul-14 06:02:24

We have told dd (also 13) that two of her friends are not welcome in our house. One for saying some really unpleasant things to/about our ds, and the other for being very unkind to dd. We have told her in both cases that it is totally up to her if she wants to be friends with the girls, and we won't judge her either way, but we don't want to have them around us anymore.

In both cases the girls had spent quite a bit of time with us beforehand, indeed one of them I was really quite fond of but there was a lot of upset at the time of the incident(s), and dd has in the past forgiven behaviour that she really shouldn't have let slip so we felt we needed to take a stand.

I know that there are reasons why both girls may have behaved in the way they did (both have had very difficult family histories) but it's hard to forgive someone who has hurt one of your children very badly.

In one case the girls parents know why we cooled the friendship, and were quite understanding (they knew dd quite well also and the issue was over a long period of time so they didn't think we were unreasonable). In the other case apparently the parents didn't like dd either. Unfortunately we didn't really know them very well when the relationship blew up so we couldn't talk to them about it. I would have welcomed a conversation, even if we had to hear difficult things (dd hasn't always been an angel either and we'd much prefer to know and talk to her about that sort of thing, at least when she'd relatively young).

adeucalione Mon 21-Jul-14 07:09:09

I've never banned any of my DC's friends because I think it's their house too and they can invite whoever they like. I also think that, when you're talking about children or teenagers, their behaviour can change as they mature.

But there are certainly one or two that I don't really like and I guess my DC must know who they are - usually because they've been unkind to one of my DC, rude to me or just display thoughtless behaviour when they're here.

You mention that your DD is sometimes in trouble at school, and that could also be enough for a parent to want to encourage other friendships.

Maddaddam Mon 21-Jul-14 11:53:30

I am fairly welcoming to all my 3 dds' friends (I hope) but there are some who I allow for sleepovers on a regular basis and others never. It's mostly down to how much they actually sleep. The ones who come and go to sleep at a reasonable time and don't keep the whole house awake, they're welcome time after time. The ones who keep my dc awake half the night and then wake us with shrieking at 5am - they only get to come for daytime visits. We do really like to sleep, and my dc are far grumpier if they're up all night which is very tedious for us all.

It doesn't mean I don't like the more excitable, shrieky kids at other times. I just don't want anyone being excitable between the hours of 11 and 7.

lucydaniels4658 Mon 21-Jul-14 16:28:54

Thanks guys .I completly understand as im not keen on a few of my DDs friends but never nice to hear the word hate ! My DD can get in trouble at school for things like not focussing ect but its not like she truants fights and swears !It upset me at the time but im just going to let it be . I allow my DD to have friends in and make her own mind up (obviously id rethink that if bullying or something awful was going on).Its just the "steer clear she will land you in trouble go nowhere near her" attitude that pees me off .Dd has never been involved in any serious incidents and is a very kind sensitive child thats been bullied herself! She is no angel in terms of singing and not focussing but its hardly enough to write a child off as "troubled".

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jul-14 04:40:01

My first thought was that the girl isn't welcoming your DD into her home for reasons she doesn't want to talk about and is blaming her mother. I also wondered if the girl has got into trouble for (for instance) stealing money or smoking at home and has blamed your DD for setting a bad example.

Maybe it's just about two personalities making for too wild a night. There were a few girls I didn't invite back -- the one who thought it would be fun to bring a tub of ice cream onto the roof to have a picnic there (DD1 was grounded for a while for not saying no to that), the one who was really pushy about baking a cake at 11.20pm, the one who sulked when I didn't have the exact brand of yogurt she liked.

The one who poured half a bottle of maple syrup over her stack of pancakes and then ate only four bites got toaster waffles and Walmart Pancake Syrup next time..

nooka Tue 22-Jul-14 05:36:43

Well I don't hate either of the girls that are banned from our house. One has moved away, and in any case really only was friends as she lived locally. I think the friendship would likely have faded away, even if ds didn't have quite such strong feelings about her.

The other girl I would have said I had forgiven, but seeing her at our doorstep the other day and thinking of the months of tears and upset she caused I found it hard to be polite.

I'd say 'my my hates you' is the teenager and not the mum, sounds like the sort of exaggeration dd would be inclined toward, and some of that is I know self protection (we had a long chat with her about how to handle the situation and dd seemed relived when we said that we were going to be the bad guys on this one).

Anyway OP there is nothing to say that this other mum does have a problem with your dd, but if you don't know her very well I think it's probably going to be very hard to find out what the issue is. Very different to primary school where you'd be much more likely to know the parents. My dd's new close friends I think I've said a handful of words to over the last year!

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