Being left out

[Charlie2000]

My daughter is goin on a school trip that involves a long coach trip. Whilst she wasn't there her friends have organised who they are sitting next to on the coach and have left her out. She is now worried that she has no one to sit next to and that when it comes to sorting out who is going in which room that she will be left out again. It isn't that she is disliked by the other girls - they are all in the same form and socialise with each other but they have only thought about themselves. What would you do?

[cory]

Well, if they are odd numbers, then somebody would have to be left out on the coach, wouldn't they? If they had thought of your dd, then it would be somebody else. Hopefully she will find somebody nice to share with.

Unless they are actively excluding your dd (as in "ner, ner you can't sit next to us"), then there isn't a lot to be done about it imho.

[BuzzLightbulb]

First question - age?
First reaction - teenage girls can be hofficily self centred and bitchy

We had a similar worry the other week when dd texted a cpl of who we thought were close friends to come round to stay over. Neither replied even though she knew that had read the message, don't ask me what app that is!

Turns out a few of them had gone out for a meal and not invited her. She did her best not to be upset.

We don't know the reasons for the selective invite, numbers, someone's party, assumed she would be doing something etc

She's out tonight with same friends. All I can say is at 14 ish they are incredibly bitchy, and with a new girl in the group there's a bit of a power struggle going on.

They will grow out of it.

At an older age I'd say this is a chance for her to open up a new social circle, if she has the confidence. Girls invest so much in the approval of their peer group it can be hard to leave it.

[Charlie2000]

Buzz she is 13 so they are probably at that 'bitchy and self centred' phase that you mention. My worry is that the same thing will happen when it comes to choosing who goes in what rooms - this was meant to be an amazing experience and now all I am doing is worrying she will be left out!

[cory]

But hang on- if the group of girls is an odd number, surely somebody is bound to be left out of the coach seat arrangements? (or have they deliberately gone and teamed up with a total stranger to leave your dd out?)

Would it be less bitchy and horrid if one of these girls had chosen to sit next to your dd, so the girl she is now sitting with had been left without a partner?

I think as parents of teen girls we need to be a bit careful about not overreacting every time our own girl feels left out. We need to take the bigger new and not just see the world from our own child's perspective (they're usually quite good at doing that themselves)

Our job is to give our dds the confidence to think that I will be fine, I will find somebody nice to sit with and may even end up making a new friend. If she knows that you are worrying about this, then she will worry even more, and then the risk is greater that she won't even see the perfectly lovely girl who is on her own and would love to be friends with her.

[Charlie2000]

Cory, I havn't told my daughter I am worried about - as you suggest I have tried to put the idea in her head that this could me a chance to meet someone new but she is just a bit concerned that she might be spending a 27 hour coach journey with someone she doesn't have a lot in common with.
I wouldn't want any child to be excluded and left without a partner - I am perhaps a little overprotective of my dd as she already has a lot to cope with as I have cancer. I just hope I am worrying about nothing and that she has a great time !

[Kleinzeit]

To be honest I very much doubt they'll all stay in the same seats for a 27 hour coach journey! If she gets a seat to herself she'll be lucky, and chances are the others will come "visiting". And it probably varies but my DS's school didn't just leave it up to the kids to decide who went in what room, they could suggest a friend but it was organised for them. Hope your DD has a great time, and sorry you are dealing with cancer.

[Chottie]

My DN has just been on a long coach trip with his school. He is also 13 and he said that he was sitting on an outside seat (ie not window) and was talking to everyone near him. No-one just talked to the person sitting next to them. I hope this helps to reassure your DD. :)

[Charlie2000]

Thanks Kleinzeit

[cory]

I think there is a good chance that they'll be moving around and talking to people in the seats behind and in front anyway. And that by the end of it she will just be grateful if she gets a chance to snatch a few minutes' sleep.1

Fingers crossed that she has a lovely trip.

There really isn't anything you can do- that would involve going in and asking the school to make sure that one of the other girls loses her seat next to a friend instead- how could you possibly motivate that?

I understand that it must be a very, very worrying time for you having cancer, and a very worrying time for her, but really you want to normalise her life as much as possible and that means letting her deal with the ordinary teen things like seating arrangements on a school trip.

[Charlie2000]

Yes I agree Cory

[Kazzyv]

Sharing rooms is different to the coach - maybe have a word with the teacher to ask if there are triple rooms or just twins and ask if dd can be given a room with friends if not already done.
Similar happened with my DS and the school were good at allocating rooms to groups they knew were friends.

[Charlie2000]

Thanks Kazzy that's a good idea - I will contact the school and see what the situation is re: rooms

[MrsSquirrel]

When my dd went on a trip, the teachers did the room assignments. They were 4 in a room. The kids got to express a preference, but the teachers chose.