Friend wants to lend his house to 16yo DD - is this a bad idea?

(14 Posts)
furfoxsake Tue 10-Sep-13 09:03:58

My best friend wants to 'lend' his house to his 16-year-old daughter and her mate. They're at sixth form college in his town so his place is handier than her mum's place. He's away most of the time staying at his girlfriend's who lives 2 hours away.

Both me and his gf think its a terrible idea. His DD is intelligent enough and can cook for herself etc but she can also be a bit silly - the police were called to her mum's house recently when she was home alone and she had lads round having a wild party. He also suspects she is experimenting with cannabis. It won't be his home anymore to just crash when he needs - it will be overrun with teenagers. Also he has a younger son and it's 'his' home too. And what if he splits up with his gf and needs the house back? It's quite a small place - 1 living room, 1 bathroom, 2 bedrooms - so if he needed to move back in it would be tight.

Of course the DD and mate think it's a done deal and are planning the decor!

He told me to ask mumsnet what they think so is there anyone who has done this kind of thing and how did it work out?

IDontDoIroning Tue 10-Sep-13 09:06:14

Terrible idea - what about his younger son its his home too.

LadyBigtoes Tue 10-Sep-13 09:09:25

There is a difference between her (and possibly 1 mate) using the house to stay in sometimes, and him actually handing it over in some sense. For example decor should not be an issue - it's his house.

If I was him I would let her stay a certain number of nights a week (she's his daughter, that kind of makes sense anyway) and 1 friend to keep her company. The idea being that it's conducive to her going to school more easily. He should be present a certain number of nights a week too, by arrangement, so he keeps an eye on things. Any parties, any problems/police turning up/whatever, the arrangement ends. A good neighbour if there is one might be able to contact him if anything worrying is happening.

I think it could only work with a very strict set-up and iron-firm boundaries. If he is prepared to do that.

16yo plus any friends she fancies having the house as "theirs" - recipe for disaster.

dexter73 Tue 10-Sep-13 09:42:20

I think what LadyBigToes says is very sensible.

Why is the younger son allowed to stay there when he's away, but not the daughter?

flow4 Tue 10-Sep-13 12:24:08

Teenagers who are pushing limits are drawn to places where there are no adults supervising them. Even if her DD is relatively sensible, it makes her vulnerable, because it is hard to say 'no' to older teens who know no adults are around to enforce that 'no'.

I know two cases where teens have been allowed to stay in houses their parents have vacated... In both, it was pretty disastrous.

In one case, mum got a job in London and left DS 16 and DD 14 behind because they "didn't want to come". Within a year, bro had moved to the city leaving sis alone in the house, where every drug-taking teen in the area then congregated. The girl dropped out of school and had a string of abusive relationships; the house was trashed.

In the other case, mum got a new boyfriend, moved in with him and left DS (18) in her house. Again, it became somewhere teens and others gathered to take drugs. Ultimately, it became a crime scene in a major inquiry and the mother could not sell her house until she dropped the price way below the market rate...

homebythesea Tue 10-Sep-13 12:24:10

I suspect that all insurances will be invalidated if there are no adults in permanent residence. IS he prepared to cough up for breakages and god forbid fire damage? Where will the girls get money for food, bills etc? What will happen when they inevitably lock themselves out or block the drains or the electricity fuses go? I very much doubt that ANY 16 year old could deal with these everyday domestic happenings without support available close by 24/7

flow4 Tue 10-Sep-13 12:28:00

Sorry. I sound like I've been reading sensationalist tabloid stories. Obviously terrible things may not happen. But those two examples are real, and my own DS has been part of undesirable activity in both houses, and what happened is the stuff of my nightmares. sad

furfoxsake Tue 10-Sep-13 14:52:17

OMG I will take this back to him, some really good points here especially about insurance and locking themselves out - bet he hasn't even thought of that (knowing him - He's very much an optimist!)

Personally I think he's mad. I think perhaps he's having second thoughts now but doesn't know how to go back on it. His DD is a very sociable girl, I could see it easily becoming a party house.

To be clear, the younger son DOESN'T stay there alone, I meant it's 'his' house because it's his dads house IYKWIM so when he does get to stay there it will be like he's staying in his older sister's house where she and her mate rule the roost.

purpleroses Tue 10-Sep-13 15:20:51

Absolutelty not at 16shock
Apart from all the points made above I think it's very undermining of her mum's parenting. Hard to impose any boundaries at all if your DD can just bugger off to her "own" home whenever she likes with no grown ups in the way.

BeeBawBabbity Wed 11-Sep-13 16:42:50

I "looked after" a family member's house when I was 17. It quickly descended in to chaos. I had little control over who was coming in or out (mates of mates of mates), parties went on late into the night, the police were called, the car was stolen and the dog ran away (I did find her eventually).

I was honestly a good kid, but high on freedom.In the end it was actually really stressful. I wouldn't recommend doing it.

mumeeee Wed 11-Sep-13 17:33:09

16 is much too young.

QueenQueenie Thu 12-Sep-13 09:16:21

Absolutely not.
I'm not clear from the op, does the daughter live with him / his girlfriend and her brother now? Where is her Mum in all this? Doesn't she have a view?

furfoxsake Thu 12-Sep-13 10:25:55

DD lives with mum and brother in another town but stays with dad about 3 nights a week, along with brother. Now DD will move to live at dads house full time. DS (14) will stay with mum.

Mum seems happy and almost encourages it! Dad (my friend) says mum has always favoured DS and doesn't have much time for DD. Mum is also telling my friend (ie her ex) that now he isn't sending money for DD to her, he must give it directly to DD instead for her to spend on what she likes. My friend wants to just keep the peace really and is considering this even though he is planning on filling fridge every week and will have extra bills and expenses if DD lives there full time.

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