how to encourage ds to actually go to college

(20 Posts)
auforfoulkesake Sun 24-Mar-13 09:41:05

he had to leave 6th form this time a year ago after absences. so he got on a college course which he intially seemed happy with. it is not every day. and in fact one of the days he has hours in the middle with free time but we live too far for him to come home, although I think he tried it once.

we have really been struggling to get him to go, we have had 2 letters about his attendance, most recent 67%. and when I managed to persuade him for us to attend parents evening they did look surprised to see him.

so the day with the big gap in it he doesn't go and in fact quite often he doesn't go at all. or he goes in late,
I feel I am only relying on letters to tell me about his attendance .

he also drinks too much. every night he is out.
he is 18 and I hear from other people that, oh he is 18 and you can't do anything about him now.
but I don't want to see him waste his life and am concerned about his drinking. he works in a pub which probably isn't the best deal.

auforfoulkesake Sun 24-Mar-13 16:55:43

nobody know?

noddyholder Sun 24-Mar-13 17:02:18

What course is it? What is his ultimate goal? Uni work? My ds and his mates go out virtually every night I am amazed they can be arsed but they can.

auforfoulkesake Sun 24-Mar-13 17:46:17

okay, so say it is Ok for him to go out night after night and consequently skint.
but it is the lack of actually physically going to college that upsets me,
should I bribe him?

auforfoulkesake Sun 24-Mar-13 17:46:33

and yes, he says he wants to go to university.

noddyholder Sun 24-Mar-13 18:03:59

It is not ok to go out night after night but I understand where you are as at that age what can you do? We ha d a few stern talks with ds about his antics. He dropped out of one 6th form and then started another and is just about to finish. He has only really pulled his socks up this year as he wants to go to university. We say no going out if college in the morning. I actually found it easier once he was 18 becasue i explained to him that everything I do for him now is voluntary and I could ask him to leave He soon shaped up!

auforfoulkesake Sun 24-Mar-13 18:05:48

oh, but I don't want him to leave <<quiver>> but I might try that tactic.
hmm

noddyholder Sun 24-Mar-13 18:08:38

No nor did I! But I did say it in desperation grin My ds really has changed in teh last year though He was just like your ds I was tearing my hair out. I just kept driving home the university thing and as his mates started applying and getting their heads down so did he. Tell him it will not be possible with his current efforts

noddyholder Sun 24-Mar-13 18:09:36

It is good that he works!

auforfoulkesake Sun 24-Mar-13 18:10:19

I do say you will be able to leave home if you go to university but otherwise you will be stuck at home. forever.
hmm.

auforfoulkesake Sun 24-Mar-13 18:11:05

I know, he applies himself in this job, and enjoys it, and he is having driving lessons.
it is just the rest of his life, is meh

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Sun 24-Mar-13 18:15:59

I don't think you can do much at his age, so I think the options are either put up with it or tell him he either gets his arse to college or you are stopping subsidising him with free accommodation and food and he can pay you I'll market rent or move out.

You either have to lay down the law or leave him to it, but I think he is too old for nagging.

noddyholder Sun 24-Mar-13 18:16:54

My ds does nothing to look for a job which drives us mad. My ds knows that university is only a temporary leave home thing as we have lots of friends where they are back at home! He admits he wants to go for the social thing and not bothered about long term prospects but all his mates are like that. He has had an unconditional offer though so can do what he likes hmm. I think this generation is like this tbh

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Sun 24-Mar-13 18:21:44

Noddy - will you subsidise him? I would not if that were the attitude, harsh as that sounds. If he gets loans etc I guess it is his own lookout.

If he is living in your house then you do have some say in what he does, at least if you are helping him out financially (even just not charging him for bed & board).

What does he want to do? Is he actually motivated to do this course? Does he see how it contributes to something he actually wants?

If not, then maybe a year out from studying, working fulltime and making a proper contribution to the household budget would help him to focus on why further education has value - at least in terms of not only being able to get a minimum wage job. Or he'll settle into the world of work and find his niche.

noddyholder Sun 24-Mar-13 19:01:47

Yellow I will see how he goes. He is not the only one with that attitude, most of them behind their parents backs talk like this. These are well edcucated middle class high achievers from where i am standing their don't really have the same drive etc that I had at that age. I will help him out if he works hard. One who is going to do medicine really doesn't want to and his parents are full of it and he is planning to just go to please them and leave at xmas shock

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Sun 24-Mar-13 19:18:53

Hope it works out. It seems sad.

I think it is not a great time to be young, such a lot of cynicism, and the student debt and housing issues and working til you're 90...

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Sun 24-Mar-13 19:20:01

That's maybe a bit depressing, I am not sure it is hat bad, but I can see why they are cynical, not a lot of political/social inspiration around us.

noddyholder Sun 24-Mar-13 19:23:09

No I agree. I don't feel its sad though just to be expected looking at teh world around us. I have honestly never met a happier or smarter bunch I know they will get where they need eventually.

mindfulmum Mon 25-Mar-13 08:45:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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