Teenage sons: important that they are well dressed?

[mrsEOR]

First time post here so I thought I'd test the water a little with a small query - not exactly a big problem though!

Ours sons are now 14, 15, 17 and the eldest is 22 and at university. In many ways we've been fairly liberal parents, we have always encouraged our DSs to dress smartly and neatly. We think it's important for teenagers particularly as so much of society's bad reception of young men is down to how they dress and behave.

To that end we've always encouraged them to dress smartly when the occasion calls for it. And this means collared shirts, with a tie, and smart jacket and polished shoes. No jeans.

The boys don't mind at all, and actually quite enjoy looking smart when needed. We give them a budget and let them buy all their own clothes. It has obviously rubbed off well on our eldest, who is always immaculately turned out, and is constantly being complemented on his appearance.

However, I'm conscious that this is a bit of an old fashioned attitude, and hardly any other families both with any kind of dress rules etc.

What do others think? Anyone else encourage their sons to dress smartly?

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

I think people should dress for the occasion, yes, but I don't think they need to be smart all the time. I'm not smart all the time! I guess it depends how restrictive you're being tbh. If you're stopping them wearing what they're comfortable in then I'd have an issue with you being overly controlling, but by the sounds of it you're just nudging in a certain direction and they're happy with it, so I can't see any problems

FWIW, I do it to a certain extent. I can't stand jogging bottoms as 'outdoor clothing' (unless you're jogging, or doing sports or whatever) but am happy for them being slob-about-the-house clothes. DSs are happy to change into jeans when they go out, so everyone's fine. I wouldn't nag much or disown them if they decided to permanently live in them, but it would make me twitchy

[heronsfly]

Ive got 3 ds, all young adults now, they would always dress up for an occasion,but jeans, decent (expensive) T.shirts and jumpers were the normal casual wear.They always looked ok so it never concerned me, although I would have drawn the line at jeans hanging down below pants

[mrsEOR]

Thanks for your responses.

My query was more about smart clothing.

Do you insist on jackets, ties etc on occasion?

[badguider]

depends what the occasion is - weddings, funerals, job interviews are the only non-school functions i can think of where a jacket and tie is expected.

my husband rarely wears a suit outside of work except for weddings and funerals so i wouldn't expect a teenager to.

[mrsEOR]

Well, my husband is actually a very formal dresser. He is more comfortable in a suit and tie than anything else.

We therefore make our sons wear jackets and ties to church on Sunday, for Sunday lunch if we have visitors, and for dinner out at smart restaurants, the theatre etc.

Is this too much??

[badguider]

I guess it depends on what others are wearing. If the 'norm' at your church is to dress formally then fair enough but if it's just your husband's preference then it's not really fair to extend that to your boys who are old enough to decide themselves.
At the church I used to attend the dress was more 'smart casual' so no hoodies or trackies but jeans and a shirt or pullover would be normal.
Same for sunday lunch. My DH would wear jeans, a shirt and a pullover.

[flow4]

I think it is entirely down to their peers.

My eldest has quite a 'street' group of friends, and wears pretty much exactly the clothes you'd imagine for teenagers with 'bad reputations': trousers hanging down below his pants, always trainers (specifically Adidas) and hoodies, more often than not. You are quite right that it does lead to people making negative judgements about him... But for him, this is less important than 'fitting in' with his peers. Not a single boy among his friends would ever wear a tie, except for school or if they required to for work. They all wear track suit bottoms or jeans (jeans for dressing up). Chinos and other 'smart' trousers are absolutely unacceptable and considered 'nerdy' and 'sh*t' in his social group. (I know, because I like and prefer them, and have tried to get him to wear them).

My youngest, in contrast, always wears a shirt. He would never wear sportswear or anything that's visibly branded. He irons everything he wears. He likes his school tie, and although they recently introduced a regulation clip-on version, he has stuck to the 'proper' one he ties himself. He always parts and gels-down his hair to keep it neat. He is a 'nerd' though - but happy to be one!

They're both a bit of a mystery to me: I'm not at all fashion-conscious, dislike branded clothing, am a bit of a hippy sometimes... I assume each son has found his own way of rebelling!

[higgle]

DS2 would wear a Superdry cotton jacket and coloured trousers for restaurant trip - I find more and more I feel overdressed on these sort of outings.As long as it is not slobby looking jeans and a holey t shirt I'm happy.

[exexpat]

DS is 14 and does not possess a jacket, tie or shirt with a collar other than his school uniform. Out of school he lives in jeans/Topman chinos, t-shirts, hoodies etc. But then I don't do formal clothes either (can't remember the last time I wore a skirt or tights), and we don't go to church or anywhere else that would require any formal sort of clothing. We do go to restaurants, including fairly expensive ones sometimes, but nowhere that has a dress code. If we had to go to a wedding I would need to buy something specially.

[exexpat]

And to answer your question, yes, it does sound to me like you are very a little old-fashioned, but there is nothing wrong with that - however the older your sons get, the more unreasonable it will become to force them to be out-of-step with their own inclinations and the norms of their peers.

[TheBuskersDog]

A jacket and tie to eat Sunday lunch? Who on earth do you have as guests - the Queen, the Archbishop of Canterbury?

[Bonsoir]

DSS1 (17) and DSS2 (15) very occasionally need to wear a jacket and tie (Bar Mitzvahs, weddings). But, tbh, I think they look terrible dressed like that - not smart, just old-fashioned and frumpy.

[Bonsoir]

"We therefore make our sons wear jackets and ties to church on Sunday, for Sunday lunch if we have visitors, and for dinner out at smart restaurants, the theatre etc.

Is this too much??"

Yes it is too much and, in my opinion, totally out of date. Wearing a jacket and tie at home when having visitors or out to a restaurant is reactionary, not smart.

[Bonsoir]

"and hardly any other families both with any kind of dress rules etc"

You are wrong if you think that the absence of a shirt and tie means that parents don't have rules or dress codes they impose upon their DC! They do - just more modern ones!

[Trills]

jackets and ties to church on Sunday - depends on the church

for Sunday lunch if we have visitors - over the top

and for dinner out at smart restaurants - most restaurants are not that smart

the theatre etc - most theatres encourage casual dress now in order to be seen as more accessible

There is a middle ground between hoodie-and-ripped-jeans and jacket-and-tie

[ajandjjmum]

DS is 21 and actually quite likes wearing a suit and tie, when the occasion is appropriate. Sometimes (more and more rarely these days) this is for going out to eat for an occasion, and often paying respect to what others in the party might like - eg. elderly relatives, grandparents. At other times he looks like a bag of rags! The important thing is that he is comfortable in smart clothes, and wears them easily. He has always had a 'smart' outfit (apart from school uniform) since he was 11/12, and has worn a dinner suit for school balls etc. since around 14/15.

[lljkk]

We don't ever go to occasions where DC would need to be dressed smartly. So can't comment.

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

Suits and ties for sunday lunches? Really? Weddings, funerals and Bar Mitzvahs.. fine.. anything else sounds very old fashioned and OTT to be honest, unless they actually like dressing that way! Our church is very casual and I think people would wonder if they saw DS2 in a suit!
(mind you if they saw DS1 there at all they would probably faint lol)

Personally I think casual smart.. chinos and a shirt or nice polo looks far more pleasing and less 'rigid' and is certainly more the norm!

[Lancelottie]

Both my DSs are bizarrely addicted to blazers, possibly in revolt against their schools' casual sweatshirt uniform.

[out2lunch]

are you in the uk op? it sounds v old fashioned to me.
my teenage ds wears what he wants to - t shirts hoodies chinos or jeans.
he has a few shirts but casual/fashion type styles rather than formal.
he is attending a familyfuneral this week and will be wearing a shirt and dark trousers which i think is fine.they are teenagers not mini adults.

[BackforGood]

My ds is 16. He would wear a tie to a wedding, a funeral, posibly an interview (depending on what the interview was for), his prom, and that's about it.
For Church he would wear whatever he feels comfortable in - indeed, it's his choice what he wears for most of his life. He's not 4 anymore!
I think it's important they understand that there are occasions they need to dress up for, but I don't agree with your list of what those occasions are.

[nooka]

My ds generally dresses in pretty much a 'bag of rags' (like the way you put that ajandjjmum :)). He likes lots of layers and gets very attached to certain clothes and wears them all the time. I really don't care very much. We live in a pretty laid back town and he goes to a school with no uniform or dress code.

However he was also very keen on getting a suit, and when my father recently died we bought him one for the funeral. I'm not sure when he will ever wear it again to be honest. My mother (who is keen on smartness) said he looked like he was wearing a zoot suit

OP, sounds like you are quite old fashioned, and I don't think that the level of smartness you expect for church, meals etc is very mainstream, but so long as your boys don't mind, it's not really an issue is it?

[FrauMoose]

I think children have their clothing dictated for them when they're at school, and it is not 'liberal' to dictate what they should wear when they're at home. If there are formal occasions such as weddings and funerals where there is some kind of dress code, that is another matter and everyone - parents and children - does have to make some kind of concession. Otherwise being vaguely clean and not offending public decency is quite enough! (I wondered if this post was a wind-up, as it sounds so 1950s.)