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Approaching 18...what will you stop paying for?(37 Posts)
DSD will be 18 in June, finishing Alevels (humph another thread that one) and works PT. She's pretty self sufficient ie buys own toiletries, going out gear etc we rig her out couple of times a year on the essentials. Also pay her bloody phone contract which is now 35 a month (more than mine and DH) but that also finishes in June.
Her plan is to go to Uni, whether remaining at home or going away remains to be seen. So what do you do for your 18yr olds remaining at home? DH thinks I'm a tightarse (I'm not we're just skint now I'm part time) so thought i'd check
I dont think there is a `right` way amum, dds 18 she works pt whilst studying at college, shes going away in October for three months on a project so is putting most of the money towards that, but she pays her travelling and phone bill and her own social life, shes already very good with money and setting up dds and suchwot. I do think it gives her a gentle look into the responsibilities of adulthood if that makes sense, whilst we are still beside her to `hold her hand` through the first steps.
If you're over 18 in our house you are either in education or working. And we will put a roof over your head and feed you, but nowt else. Any money you want you need to earn.
I fund pocket money up to end of A levels and that's it. Mine have all had p/t jobs anyway from about 14.
Had a chat with DS about his 18th last night - wants return ticket to Brisbane, a days go karting with his mates, a family meal out and a meal and drinks out with friends. Dream on son.
I am mouth agape at all these 18yr olds and over getting allowances? Why? Someone was giving their DC £40 a month plus £25 a month mob contract. Someone else is giving their DC £110 a month. Bloody hell, I'm speechless. Where's the incentive to be independent? At age 18 I was working and funding myself in a paid flat. It is quite feasible for a parent to pay the necessary stuff education wise and I always have, but to pay mobiles, drinking money, social life, lunch out... why?
I've never given my DCs an allowance. They had to start thinking about some sort of work from the age of 15 or thereabouts. I've never paid for their phone... good grief, I resent paying for mine let alone paying for someone else's contract. I slowly and surely started them on the road to independence before they reached 18 so that when they went to Uni, they knew they were responsible for themselves. They had student loans to buy food and exist and once it was gone it was gone.... their choice what they spend it on. Accommodation I paid for. Surely by throwing all this money at kids, they are never going to be independent. Both mine have both had different jobs over the years and there's never been a time they haven't done something or other. It has been totally invaluable, firstly to make them grow up a bit and secondly, to go on a CV when it comes to making their way in the world. It's no good coming out of Uni never having worked... employers wouldn't care what degree you had, you could have a 1st class honours degree and it wouldn't mean much - it's work experience and what you've done to show that you are an all rounder, combined with the degree, that matters.
Eldest DC is in her first year of a fantastic graduate scheme... the long process of interviewing took months. The employer never asked about her degree, it was everything else she had to talk about in phone interviews, assessment days, prersentations etc. She had to prove she had been proactive in making her way in the world.
Everything that Helliebean said, word for word!
Thanks... I am sounding like a tightwad but I'm not. If there's been any funding needed education wise, I have paid all of that. I have eased their path to better themselves with education, whether it be bus fares, books etc. But I'm buggered if I'm giving a DC money to sit in a Costa and drink coffee, or go out with friends and drink, or go to festivals, whatever... that's luxuries you should fund for yourself surely.
Surely as parents we have to start thinking in advance about cutting the apron strings, about letting go and encouraging them to make their way in the world.
amumthatcares... you said about worrying whether your DC's schoolwork will suffer and I totally get that. I used to try and imagine what my DC would be doing at that time on a Friday night if she weren't at work (for instance)... would she be doing schoolwork? Would she be writing essays? No! She would have been on FB or on the phone to mates. It isn't easy to slot in work amongst studies and you have to be realistic and not overdo it but even a couple of shifts waitressing at the local pub a week paid £50 a week and that was easy enough to slot in amongst studying and it taught my DD so much.... interacting with people, working as part of a team, taking flak from snotty customers etc. It was invaluable.
Surely age doesn't come into this.
DCs our our DCs to fund until they get a loan for Uni. or a reasonably paid job or are eligible for benefits.
Thus dependent on when in the year their birthdays are and whether they take a year out, I'm guessing you may well part fund DCs upto about 19, possibly 20.
A DC is for life not just for Christmas
Excellent posts by helliebean
Well...... startail... I wouldn't want to have been funding mine until they were eligible for benefits! What does that teach them? Nothing! There's no independence there... it's moving on from the bank of good ole Mum and Dad to the benefit system isn't it...
Eldest DC took a year out after Uni. She funded it all herself by working up until she went off travelling, then working when she got home. I lent her some which she paid back within a few months of returning and back working.
I thought it might help to have a post from the other side. My parents made us do chores around the house, i kid you not for £1 a week! When we grumbled this was met with 'fine do it for free'. £1 it was. i had my first mobile bought for me for my birthday at 14ish on the understanding i paid for costs. So i got babysitting jobs (made a small fortune ) so this paid for cinema etc too.
Being older (and wiser?) i now see what our parents were doing, preparing us for a world where you work for what you want and need.
As soon as we went to college, we had accommodation paid for, but social life, phone, travel was to be paid by us. We worked part time, spent what we had, saved tiny bits for when we didnt and it worked. Always with the knowledge that if we were in need of essentials it would be sent (food, books not available from library).When exams came up and part time work was affecting studies, we quit and got other jobs after exams. Employer once rehired me too. Neither of to this day have debt, lack of money and are comfortable. We have always been snapped up for jobs straight away when applying. The main reason is our work ethic and life experience. Qualifications help obviously, but that isnt what employers want to talk about, they can read a cv for that.
We are very lucky, our friends didnt always have the same grounding. Many are struggling (mounting debt, bancruptcy and no monry management skills) with being thrust into a world after education, that doesnt have the same entitled mentality they expected, or financial stability we saw growing up. Its certainly an approach i will take with parenting.
But it can be far more complicated than simply age. My DS1 dropped out of college last year. I wanted him in college, and what motivated him was money, so I paid him to go: £20/week so long as he attended every day. Now he is back in college, and becoming motivated by the study itself, and I could stop that £20 when he turns 18 in a few months... And indeed I am thinking about it... But it seems a bit miserable (even twisted logic!) to stop the money he got when he was not studying when now he is!
And those of you who stopped giving cash... What about paying for other activities? Did you also stop paying for music lessons? Sports activities? Gym passes? Bus passes? Driving lessons...? Because for many teens who do get weekly/monthly cash, that is all they get... While others who do not get cash do get much more 'in kind' or as 'hidden extras'...
helliebean, in lots of ways I see your point but it doesn't work for everyone. We are victims of where we live for a start. No public transport here for starters.
My children are motivated and have worked. Nos 2 and 3's job right now is to get good enough grades for RG University. Dd1 managed just fine and others are no less clever. No exception allowed for dyslexic ds. If doing a full on degree (ie Law, Medicine or similar), job not required because learning and living is a full time activity.
Our children and their friends all have an excellent work ethic despite very few of them having jobs. It's the way you're brought up. My best memories are from when I was in 6th form. It's such an important time.
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