MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers - Part 2 here's to a peaceful 2013(811 Posts)
This is a continuation of this thread which I set up as a safe space for struggling parents of challenging teenagers.
This is meant to be a welcoming thread, where everyone can come and moan, whinge, bash ideas off each other and support each other as we face a new year and new challenges
Newbies in particular - come and join in. When ds1 started going off the rails I felt very lonely as there was no-one in real life I could talk to. Being able to be open and honest on here has helped me cope over the last few years.
Many of us have extremely challenging teenagers, some are involved in alcohol and drugs, some are violent, some are struggling with depression, anxiety and various SN. This thread isn't here to judge people and tell them how to parent or to simplify and minimise their difficulties.
So if you think we should simply tell them to come home and night, and take their phones away if they don't, you are probably in the wrong place. Also if you think a few joints or a couple of pills are harmless, go and start a thread about it somewhere else.
The mantra of this thread is - don't look back, guilt is a wasted emotion. You are where you are now, carry on from here. You may not be able to change them, but you can change how you react to their behaviour, so pick your battles, take a step back and try not be too emotionally involved, and FFS, be nice to yourself.
So here goes: here's to a calm, peaceful and positive 2013.
Thanks Maryz-it's nice to know l am not alone (unfortunatly)
The room l could cope with but the lying drinking stealing (l think) and basic sense of entitlement is killing me. Where did l go wrong? I managed fine with DD1 and DS but now even their relationship with her is strained.
I am the product of a very strict, not brilliantly happy childhood and l promised myself my kids would have better... but did l create a monster in her.
Today l got up at 6.15 to take her to work, l started on her room and you would not believe some of the things l found there. I feel ill and tearful-l have done my best with reasoning and bargaining. I am scared to take her iphone off her as at least l can contact her. She has the mentality of a 14 year ol with a massive sense of entitlement. She does nothing to help in the house at all.
So yes you are right. It stops here. No more monthly allowance no more cooking washing lifts etc, if she leaves things lying about they will go in the bin ( l did this to DS many years ago with a pair of jeans -it worked, cleanest tidiest room in the house therafter).
I am not holding out much hope but l have to do something
You didn't go wrong. She did <lesson number one>
You need a list. A bottom line of what is definitely not ok. And a mid-list of "things to be worked on" - but don't give her that yet, work on the definites first.
And, on this thread we don't allow guilt or regrets. You are where you are now, you deal with it and move forward. Blame is a waste of time and emotional energy (and God knows we don't have much of that to waste ).
hi all had a meeting with social services told them all about ds she took lots of notes and will send a report to her supervisor and they will decide if they will take him advantage case so shall wait and see we are also still waiting for a camhs appointment. the lady was very nice and said that we are doing well and have taken lots or pro active steps with ds. it was nice to hear as I just feel like everything we do is wrong.
ds has had a bad weekend with stealing ten pound and buying weed running out when grounded and came home 1.30 Saturday am then run out again Saturday night and didn't come home until we went out to find him Sunday at 10 . we have had lots of tears and promises of improvement, so we will see . on the plus side he did some painting for a friends Dad and earned back the ten pound he Stoll. he has made this new friend over hols and seems to like his dad as he told him about the trouble he was in for stealing and he talked to him about a few things and he is the only parent who phones to make sure ds is allowed to sleep over with his ds, all the other parents just assume it's ok while I wait up until 4.30 waiting for him to come home.
hi social services called yesterday and wanted to arrange a meeting for filling in an assessment and are going to see what they can do to help
Bumping this thread.
Maryz perhaps it is time to star a new thread ?
I've been following this thread for a long time. My 14 year old missed such a lot of school at his local school last year, and the year before (when it all started). In the end he asked if we could move him to a private college. He blamed the school for all his problems. We decided he needed a fresh start. All went well for two weeks. We started to breathe again. But we're into week 4 of the new term now, at the new school which he likes and seems to be doing well at - and this is his third day off already. Once I gave him the benefit of the doubt - 'illness'. The second time it was because he'd had a bad night and was in a foul mood and late in the morning. Today he simply couldn't get up out of bed and refused to go in late, better not at all, is his theory. So we are back to square one. We feel completely let down and hurt. He got what he wanted! He is just playing us, I feel. He is loving and affectionate, but can suddenly switch and become aggressive and foul. He refuses to discuss any of this with us. He refuses help from outside. I am at a loss now. This is his GCSE year and I'm watching him ruin it - and can't understand why. He knows how important it is to get good grades for a good sixth form. He has ambitions but can't be bothered to get up in the morning. And doesn't see how that is going to affect his ambitions. I don't know whether to come clean with the school or not. His last academy didn't offer much help other than threaten us with a council fine. This private school may not bother so much as long as they get their fees. So do we just sit around letting him do as he pleases? Go when he likes? The more work he misses the more he will fall behind, and then he definitely won't want to go in anymore. He'll get poor grades and will be forced to go to a crap sixth form. In one way I feel, well, ruin your life then, we have tried everything. Now it's up to you. On the other hand, can I really stand back and let that happen? Then again, how am I going to stop it?
First step I would advise is talk to the school. I bet they have experience of this type of refusing. They will have someone who can give him a pep talk. I think you are right and he is playing you along. Time to get tough.
You might want to start a new discussion thread under Teenagers, to get some more responses.
oh well dh has just taken ds down to police station. it appeared he Stoll Fags from one of the local shops. That along with coming home drunk last night he is in lots of trouble.
ahhhhh I know this thread doesn't get much traffic anymore I just need to vent a bit. we have just been to see a psychologist after asking the Dr for referral due to rd behaviour. I believe he has Adhd and have done for a long time and basically because he is not on school anymore due to me taking him out in an attempt to improve his behaviour they can not do an assessment for Adhd. the fact that I have spent 14 yrs dealing with him and his behaviour means nothing. aparently if he had Adhd he would of been assessed at some point in school. I told her what a waste of time his primary school was and secondary school didn't matter. I'm at my wits end all I wanted some some help and support with him and all she was interested in was his education not his behaviour.
why is it that teenagers who are having trouble dealing with things and chose to self harm seen as more important than those that chose to deal with it by taking drugs and drink? both are destructive and harmful.
Please don't delete this tread, Mumsnet, it is a place I rely on for support and advice.
Maryz, is there another, new thread somewhere else?
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