Mumsnet Talk

Yes, he could have bought me a crappy bunch of flowers actually ON my birthday and didn't.

I love my son dearly but he doesn't appreciate us.

A less than generous/thoughtful token to shut you up then OP?

Well you know what to aim at for his 21st then?

perhaps it is time to stop birthday presents all round - no-one really needs any of this clutter.

however a card, a good wish, a meal out etc would all have been good. Ignoring birthdays totally is generally not on. I've stopped being bothered about mine but I know other people find theirs important so off go the cards.

Well ignoring him worked to a certain extent. I finally got a card and a crappy, covered in glitter bunch of flowers.

Know how you feel dd never bought me one. Still haven't said anything to this day.

I share your birthday too. Happy birthday.
My take on your situation is that he clearly doesn't realise what a good deal he has with you. Stop doing anything for him. At all. If he can't treat you as his mother he should start treating you as his landlady. So make the rent truly reflect market rates.
I appreciate that he us your son, and you love him, but if you had come on here and posted the same thing about your husband you'd have received a multitude of LTBs. At 20 he could be someone's husband and father.

Hi OP I'm sorry Happy Birthday!

I agree with another poster - the underlying issue seems to be his general laziness. Sorry but I think you need to tell him to move out and start looking after himself. He is 20, he's an adult. As long as he remains under your roof he's always going to have the mindset of a child. IMO people need the character-building that comes with moving out of home to really be able to deal with their parents like adults.

As for the birthday and Mother's Day cards/gifts etc - who really cares if he's pulling his weight about the rest? I do think you have to try be a bit less sensitive about that - in the grand scheme of things it's not really relevant whether he gets you anything. It's the general respect/better attitude you're after, really.

I think gardening makes a good point. My mum probably does pander to my brother in the hope that he will suddenly appreciate her worth. But its never going to happen.

The only way my brother would ever learn is if my parents kicked him out and he had to learn. Maybe then he would figure out how good he has it.

IMHO I think your son is the same. Its easier said than done though. I cant imagine leaving my DDs to fend for themselves. But maybe at some point its necessary ro be cruel to be kind!

Much as I hate generalisations, I do think this is more a problem with boys. My DS has gone through phases of being a bit self-centred but now he is older he is fantastic and gets really thoughtful gifts for us. DD has never been like that.

I do think you are right to take a stand on it though. I have a brother in his 50s who is appalling ("forgot" to ring 80+ year old mother when ill in hospital and couldn't visit her as he was playing golf!) I maintain that, firstly our parents, then latterly his wife, have allowed him to get away with too much for too long. I'd just fucking kill him

Hi wannabe, my DD is one of the reasons why I am taking a stand or being childish depending on your point of view. I do not want our DD to see 'D'S's behaviour about presents being acceptable when she is 5 years younger and spends ages thinking about other people.

I really feel for you and your parents are being so unfair.

Hi gerard, yes I am sorry I don't know the back story. It seems to me that you are a very deserving mum who has brought up (is bringing up) her dc well and balanced and that, of course, makes this issue with you ds all the more galling and upsetting. It is down to him isn't it? I guess the hard question is that if you don't want that kind of attitude in your home, then he needs to be given an ultimatum to get out. He is perhaps unlikely to understand what the hell you are on about but again, that is for him to come to in his own time. It really isn't a reflection on you. With all due respect to wannabe's mum (and wannabe), you surely don't want to end up supporting that kind of nonsense in the hope that that will earn you the recognition you want from him? I am sure there are others out there with better insight and advise than I can give but wish you well and I'll keep following your progress here!

Happy New Year to all .

My DH is like this, always forgetting family birthdays. Never sends a card, rarely manages to organise a present off his own volition.

Lots of people see it as a male trait it seems, esp the card thing. It's unacceptable in IMO.

I do think his up bringing plays a part, in that he's been allowed to get away with it. This attitude extends into other areas of his life too. It's a mindset I think.

He would give me rubbish last minute crap gifts or late presents, no card etc. I shamed him into behaving decently & he shaped up. Still no luck with his family though.

Sorry to say my three boys can be like this every year one of them fucks up with some occasion. I texted them once to say "I have four kids and one Mother's Day card" they are lovely blokes in every way apart from this. My birthday was in October and dh arranged a meal out cos he felt bad for me that they forget. One couldn't come but didn't even text me.
I don't get it. I've had cancer too so you'd think they'd make more effort.
I must admit I was less concerned about their Xmas presents this year which was a bit less pressure.
I have two girls now so hope for better in future.

Yes he pays rent. Only £150 a month but it gets him to realise about financial responsibility. You wouldn't believe the arguments when he was told that months ago.

Hi gardening, he is an adult. He knows what to do. I have spent 20 years bringing him up and don't think I should continue to teach him the basics that I know he knows. He is a very intelligent, good looking but selfish young man.

I have a DD (15yrs). Same parents, home, lifestyle but she would never act like her brother.

My brother is 23. He buys no one anything for birthdays or xmas. He owes my mum and dad over £2000 and they gave him their car this year . My mum does all his washing, buys his food, and if hes in when she is will cook it for him. He eats food they have kept specifically for something and chucks the wrappers under his bed. My mum then goes in to his room everyday and makes his bed and tidies up. He is supposed to pay £30 a week but doesnt. He works full time. Fuck knows where his money goes.

I left home at 17 because I couldnt live with my mum. She was forever on at me to help with housework. I got nothing done for me but I still wasnt good enough.

I used to encourage him to go halfs on a present and sign a card but I got sick of carrying him. Hes just a selfish arsehole.

Anyway, my point is that its nothing you have done. I couldnt be more different to my brother. And I really do sympathise. I know how much it hurts my mum when he fails to mark occassions.

Does ds pay rent? Does he have SN? A reason why he finds it difficult to empathise? (ASD? MH problems?) Lingering resentment about childhood issues?

If your dh explained to him quietly that you've been incredibly hurt by his apparent snub, would he care that you were upset?

If he is just genuinely a selfish bastard perhaps it's time he found his own place to live. Then he'd understand a bit about how much he owes you.

Sorry, he resents that he works more hours than DH does now.

Hi gardening, he won't help. I have been through his attitude problems on here before (I know you wouldn't have read it). Myself and DH are self employed . My DH esp worked all the hours God sent and I helped when I could whilst being a SAHM. Obviously we still work hard now but not as much and he resented that he works more hours than DH.

DH & myself gave time to help at school during Primary School years when we could. We also help the local youth club with things.

He just expects to be given everything but he wasn't brought up that way.

Gerard, how much help around the house, both communal and specifically for himself, does your son do? If he is 20, has a job, the issue with your birthday present is perhaps not the real underlying issue. If you can, try and put your disappointment about your present behind you and maybe focus on laying down some general rules about what you expect him to do for himself and to pull his weight for the household he still hopes to be part of. Between you, you could agree how much you are still prepared to do for him, and which tasks you agree he can take on as part of his lodging.

I don't mean to be patronising, I am sure you will have gone through all this already. It just seems that if it is a general attitude thing, and he does seem to have taken you for granted, then perhaps he needs taking back to base!

Good luck

Didn't mean to post twice - am using my phone!

No words of wisdom Gerard, sorry, just huge sympathy. I can imagine how you feel & would be hugely hurt too. If his birthday was sooner it would be easier not to get him anything - as he so deserves - but I know I wouldn't be able to do that next October.

It's so thoughtless - I tell my DS I don't care how much something costs, it's the fact that I've been thought of. Some parents don't give a shit yet their children
seem to think more of them!

No words of wisdom Gerard, sorry, just huge sympathy. I can imagine how you feel & would be hugely hurt too. If his birthday was sooner it would be easier not to get him anything - as he so deserves - but I know I wouldn't be able to do that next October.

It's so thoughtless - I tell my DS I don't care how much something costs, it's the fact that I've been thought of. Some parents don't give a shit yet their children
seem to think more of them!

Don't get him anything.

Hi all, he has said nothing regarding the text I sent him. Being the sensible grown up I am I am barely speaking to him.

He didn't forget my birthday. He just couldn't be bothered. I realised yesterday that he didn't get me a Christmas present either. A friend of ours popped round yesterday with our presents and 'D'S said I love presents. I said it's nice when someone makes an effort and he told me to get over it!

Happy Birthday gardeningmama. Apart from that I had a lovely time but it is still playing on my mind. He really could do with moving out, maybe he would appreciate us all then.

His birthday isn't until October and at the moment the general view is that he won't get anything.