How much privacy (mobile phone, msn, etc..)should a 14 yr old dd have?

[dolally]

I'm amazed to see people on here who have logged their kids' msns, and read their mobile phone messages. Also some who get their kids to leave their phones outside their bedrooms at night.

Quite frankly I'm dying to know what my dd finds to talk about or message about. I also am quite curious to see which of the boys make up the gang she has lunch with outside school when they have a long break. I don't want to interrogate her so I wondered if it was better to drive past the school "by chance" when I know she'll coming out. Am I nuts?

However, I can't quite accept that I have the right to invade her privacy in that way. What is the right balance?

Anybody got any guidelines?

[cod]

god youa re her mother
if youc an tolerate tat she might be talking baotu peopel havign sex and who she nogged then you need to chekc it psoradiccally

[Freddiecat]

Thing is dolally, don't you remember being 14? Although they're probably much less innocent than we were at that age.

I wouldn't interfere with her privacy. When I was about 12 or so I had a secret diary (as you do) in which I'd written that I was so-and-so's secret lover. My mum found it, read it, assumed the worst and had it out with me. The reality was that I had never even spoken to the guy cos I was too shy and didn't really know what the word "lover" meant anyway (I though a secret lover was someone you loved but it was a secret even from them....).

Anyway, after that I never really felt able to talk to my mum about boys etc. as I felt she'd betrayed my trust. I also felt damn silly.

Just make sure she is really aware of internet safety, especially in chat rooms. Talk to her about mumsnet and about how you talk to people online that you don't know, but the steps you take to maintain your privacy and why. Hopefully this sort of thing will be covered in school as well.

Probably she's more talk than action (aren't we all) but she is entitled to that talk.

My DD is only 1 and I am dreading this phase myself.

[dolally]

Yeah I do remember being 14 and gabbling away on the phone to friends about who we fancied... etc. it was all pretty innocent though my Mum might have been shocked if she'd been eavesdropping... it might even have appeared that we were up to more than we were. And yes, I would have been quite upset if I'd found her snooping about my diaries. Nowadays we have email and mobiles but is that really so different? Whatever they want to do, or talk about, they can still do it...or talk about it. We can hardly BUG them can we so why, just because technology allows us to, should we read their messages and track their msn?

The computer is in the family room so I always know who's doing what (I do occasionally ask who she's messaging). And of course if I had a serious suspicion of anything there would be no holds barred. I just think that when they get to this age they are entitled to some privacy.

[brimfull]

Dolally,I don't read my daughters texts/emails/or track her msn messages.

She spends a lot of time on msn,actually have asked her to spend a bit more time with us and she's been doing that now and enjoying it.

I do pop into her room and ask who she's talking to,she's well aware of internet safety and is very sensible so I do trust her.

I have a friend who reads her dd texts to find out what she's up to.I think that's going a bit far.

[spacedonkey]

I don't agree with checking texts/MSN either. It is an invasion of privacy, I wouldn't find it acceptable if dd (nearly 15) checked up on me, and I think by the time your kids reach that age you have to start doing as you would be done by. It's a difficult balancing act, and hard to gauge when is the right time to start letting go and allowing them to have an "adult" level of privacy.

My dd is really careless about such things anyway - she often gets her friends to text my phone when she's forgotten hers or run out of credit, and doesn't mind if I read them out to her. Also she often bursts out laughing and shares the joke when she's on MSN. Perhaps if she was behaving really furtively I might consider checking up on her for fear of something sinister going on ...

[ThePrisoner]

Perhaps if you think you have good reason to, there might be a case for checking your dd's activities.

I have 3 dds (all now older than your dd so been there, done that, got the T-shirt etc!), and hopefully instilled in them some common sense. Much as I would like to know what their MSN chats and phone texts are about, this is sheer nosiness on my part and I wouldn't dream of checking up on any of them.

They are learning to be adults, and I think they deserve some privacy. I wouldn't want anyone reading some of my mumsnet stuff!!

Do you have any reason to be suspicious?

[Tortington]

i wouldnt do a drive past the school. however i refuse to fund mobile phones which means all 3 of my children - although have had them, never worked hard enough to keep up the credit.

i believe that mobile phones are just wrong for kids. its my belief and i'm entitled to it. rarely does the safety argument work. its use fucks up the english language for them and in partnership with the internet opens them up to a world i would rather they did not know about.

i have seen disgusting porn clips on mobile phones and other disgusting things too - things which if they were on the telly we would all be chucking them out the window.

so i do monitor my daughters msn. shes a good girl, a very good girl - yet still next to her name i found a beer mug her name being "custykidlikes" shes 13. and its not acceptable. she goes on group conversation with frriends whoinvite friend s who invite friends.

its not acceptable for my daughter to be involved in some semi pornographic conversation with a 17 yr old that was invited into the conversation by her friends 15 year old sister who was also in the conversation.

am not overly arsey about stuff - am really not. but if she knows am gonna check sporadically maybe she will cut the shit a little.

[Klicious]

I don't think mobiles for a 14yr old is a great idea perhaps more people should try what my mum did when I was young I had a phone card linked to the phone bill so if I had to make a call to her or anyone else and didn't have the cash I could...just an idea (prob a bit old fashioned)

As for periodical snooping it is always allowed especially as long as you pay for the phone and bill mate!! doesn't mean you have to approach them on every little thing but if something iffy is going on you can know about it in good time...youre not nuts youre a MUM

[Saggarmakersbottomknocker]

My 3 have mobiles - 17,14 & 12. I don't finance them and don't read the messages. Although that's not to say I wouldn't if I felt the need.

The PC is in the sitting room so is policed to some extent. I've always said to them that if you're doing something that you think I wouldn't like then you should stop doing it.

DS has his own laptop and at almost 18 he's entitled to his privacy I think.

[Jennypog]

I think you need to talk to them about which chat rooms to go on and hope that they are sensible. We all want to protect them, but I also want them to appear "normal" at school. Some of my daughter's friends arent' allowed on MSN, and she can't understand why because she only talks to friends from school anyway. I think it is better than sitting ont he phone for hours, like I used to do. It is much cheaper. I have found also that she doesn't use her mobile at all, only to send messages to me. If she wants to ask about homework, etc, she goes on MSN. It seems a bit cruel to stop them from asking about homework, although I know that they can be talking about things we don't approve of.

I think you have to strike a balance with teenagers. My dad read my diary when I was 14 and it seriously affected my relationship with him. I really hated him when I was a teenager, and can only tolerate him now. We tread a fine line and we need to be careful. After all we are all writing on this message board = would we like our children to read these musings? I doubt it.

[Goodgirl]

Last week my dh googled our dd (14) and it showed some messages she had left on Myspace. Although we have spoken with her about privacy etc on internet and she had constantly reassured us that she "knows what she's doing" she had made the stupid mistake of entering her full name on someone's space! It turned out that she has been speaking with a 17yr old 'emo' and using sexually explicit language! I was shocked and I'm certainly not a prude! From reading her message anyone would assume she was sexually active and up for anything!! When I spoke with her about it she was absolutely devastated and in tears. It suddenly hit home when she thought that Mum & Dad would no longer think of her in the same way as before. She removed all the messages and altered her Myspace page.

She and her sister are now limited to 1 hour on Msn/Myspace and we are able to capture their conversations. Before this happened Dh and I would have disagreements about privacy and I was ok about the girls having access to a laptop in their rooms - not anymore! Teens are very quick to say "I know,I know" but especially at 14 they are still quite vulnerable and as a parent you have to protect them to a certain extent.

Sorry I've rambled on a bit!

[soyabean]

Hmm, well generally I think we should not check texts, emails etc. Just as I would not have wanted my parents to read my diary or listen to my phone calls at 14. I think my Mum perhps did, and like Freddiecat, she assumed I was much more advanced than I was, and had a conversatiuon with me about contraception (assuming that I needed it) when I was still miles away from even going out with a boy. I barely talked to them but did talk a lot about them. It was very bad for our relationship.
However, I did recenltly read ds1 (14)'s blog, which though not actually private, he had assumed was, and felt terrible. I had got to it through a link from another friend's website, so I justified it to myself. However, I found he had been publicinsing in a very juvenile way some very serious things he had been getting up to, and so it all had to come out. he definitley fely I had overstepped the mark but it did teach him that you have to think about what you make public (as a blog is). In that case, I am glad I was able to nip things in the bud but I dont know what I wd do again.
The pc is in the sitting room so there is a limnt to his time and he knows that anyone else cd walk past and see what he is doing.

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

my middle kids 15 and 12 have mobiles (not funded by us, they have to earn their credit)and msn addys
caught ds looking at porn on the pc but he got a rollicking for it
i dont read their msg at all, or tamper with their mobiles as I expect the same from them to treat me with some privacy
but I do take their mobiles off them as a punishment
pc is in front room so cant get up to much as it is monitored reguarly.

[dolally]

Our elder two have mobiles because they are at secondary school and the timetables are very erratic. they only have £3 per month paid into their phones quarterly in advance, a bit mean but really the phones are for necessary calls and if they spend all their credit then they have to wait til the end of the quarter. But I can still get them and they can send me kolmis etc.

I'm glad that some of you feel we shouldn't read their stuff, I was beginning to wonder if I was pathetic. I DO want to protect my dd, but I also feel its important for her sense of responsibility not to have me breathing down her neck ALL the time... just some of it!

[soyabean]

Going off on a tangent a bit. Thinking abt getting ds1 a cheap mobile as he is out and about much more now. He's not that bothered but it wd save him having touse his friends' phones to let us know where he is . Doe anyone hava suggestion re cheap phone to buy without contract. Am too scared to go into phone shop