Unable to escape this destroying 'friendship'

[Serendipity129]

Apologies for the long post...
DD is 16, just left school has a circle of friends, it's just one in particular there is a problem with.
They are mostly going to new 6th forms except unfortunately this 'friend' will also be at the same school.
Problems started a few months ago, this has problems at home wherby she relies upon her friends emotionally and is insistent that they must never grow apart, they have had to organise to see each other in the hols as they must not lose this closeness. My DD is finding this claustophobic and wants out, she seems to be afraid of this girl and says she has to 'keep her sweet' for the next 2 years until after 6th form as if she doesn't she'll spread horrid talk about her and make her life a misery is she doesn't retain this level of friendship. For example DD says she 'has' to text her daily to see how she is and keep on the right side of her, that she is the one who all her friends listen to and what she says goes and if she falls out with her no one will take her side. This friend also said that she and my DD they weren't as close and that she didn't like it, I just thought tough!
A while ago my DD had a BF and she was terrified of telling her, she treats her bad, puts her down in front of others whenever she can and last weekend DD had a party and she openly slagged her off and no one backed DD up.
It's come to a stage where she is even afraid to say that she won't be getting the bus with her next year but getting a lift with me as it will upset her, when we talked about this my DD was physically sick and shaking, she's so afraid of her, like she has a hold over her. I can't understand it, she's normally so confident.
Now you and me would probably just tell her to go away but DD say's it's not that easy, I am really concerned and have told her that she'll make new friends at 6th form who will make their own minds up never mind if she were to say bad things (quite what I don't know).
Anyone experienced this destructive type of relationship?

[quoteunquote]

How controlling, nightmare type of relationship at any age,

reassure your DD, that adults have a very hard time recognising when they in a controlling relationships,

and that adults have a very hard time extracting themselves from them, she should understand it is no failing of hers that this is such a difficult situation to deal with,

I imagine if your daughter feels this way that others in the group also feel suffocated,

It can't go on, a relationship like this is far to draining to maintain and achieve the exam results she wants, you only have so much energy, and if this girl leeches all your daughter energy, she won't be able to give her best to her work,

If she is openly abusing your daughter, then by still accepting the relationship, your daughter, is advertising that she accepts abuse,

It's going to be horrible but she will have to reject this behaviour or it will increase,

Does your DD have the articulation to address her directly, would she be intimidated out of expressing her feelings to this girl? If she asked to meet for a coffee would she be heard?

[Serendipity129]

She realises the enormity of it, she could talk to her but it would get very emotional, don't leave me etc which is ridiculous I know, she's already said you won't leave me on my own at 6th form will you, which at 16 is immature...
But....I don't think the others feel like this, why didn't they back her up?
It's so hard to be strong, she has arranged a sleepover after her friends holiday, she was keen to make these plans and get them booked in, how ridiculous....I said she could probably think of an excuse in between now and then but she's just scared to pull out, what would she think! I feel annoyed that she's going along with her every beck and call just to keep the peace and keep her happy, she's just using my DD for her insecurities and that's wrong.
You're right about the abuse, I never thought of it like that, it's scary.

[quoteunquote]

If she is that scared, there might be some detail that she has yet to tell you,

Don't ask, just keep listening, create space for her to talk, let her know you take her seriously,

Are any of the rest of friends contacting her, are they nice to her?

are the rest of the friends scared? or have they jumped on the bandwagon abuse attitude,

Has this girl been aggressive towards anyone else? is she jealousy or envious of your DD?

[Serendipity129]

All her other friends are fine....and yes i suspect she is envious....she admitted being jealous when she had a bf...

[quoteunquote]

are there other girls in the group that your DD gets on with, could she invite one of them to a day out/coffee to strengthen friendships?

If they have all just started six form, are there any other new to the school/collage people she could start to make new friends with?

[Serendipity129]

She has plenty of other friends its just she thinks this friend may somehow turn them against her...one said if you and she ever fall out i would have to take her side as i have known her longer...i am hoping she will make more friends at 6th form.

[wellwisher]

Could she go to a different 6th form?

[Serendipity129]

Ive suggested but she doesn't want to, its a good school and tbh i dont think she should be driven from it, the good thing is she is not in her form nor any classes.

[quoteunquote]

the more friends she makes the less power this girl will have over her,

I think that you should re post this in relationships/chat,far more traffic, there are some really experienced people use to dealing with controlling relationships,

she might need to rehearse how to deal with this girl,in order to gain confidence to do so.

she needs to get the tools for dealing with these type of relationships, as if she allows this to happen in one of her male female relationships it could be very damaging,

does this girl use FB to assert power over her?

keep telling her she is brilliant for not keeping this to herself, some just get unhappier and keep it in.

[Serendipity129]

Quote, thanks for the idea may also post there. I agree with all you have said thank you:)

[quoteunquote]

It's horrible watching your children going through hellish life stuff, she'll be fine she got a lovely mum who cares enough to explore ideas to help her.

good luck