Dd2 with a tough exterior- help

[Inneedoflove]

Hi, new to mumsnet.
My dd2 is 17 and has had a difficult few years. At around 13 she started to isolate herself quite a bit from the rest of us by spending time in her room on the computer and watching tv, before this she was happy, funny and outgoing.
Since then she has been up and down, one minute she's ok the next she hates us all and wants to leave. I have tried to tell her that she's loved and that we all care about her but I don't know if she believes it.

She has quite a lot of trouble with friends at school as she is not afraid to say what she thinks and this has led to her only having a few friends- and I'm not sure what they really think of her- she seems to have a really tough exterior, in that she doesn't care what people think. I used to think that this would help her deal with life better but I think her friends see her as uncaring which I know she isn't. She sometimes tells me things her friends say about other people- bitching about how certain people look and if they are overweight etc. this annoys her but she has to bite her lip because she knows they will turn against her if she says anything.

Last march she dislocated her knee and since then has had to have two operations-one on each knee-to mend the ligaments as she has lax joints which make her susceptible to dislocations. She is now in last stage of physio and almost fully recovered, but she has had to go through a lot of pain and discomfort in the last 18 months- being on crutches with a leg brace on for a lot of that time. Her friends were very much unsupportive during this time-not waiting for her when she couldn't walk fast enough and generally ignoring the fact that she was struggling. This was heartbreaking to see, but she would not let me or anyone comfort her. She knows that she may have knee pain for the rest of her life but she puts a brave face on all the time.

We argue a lot at home as she is very defiant and does not want to anything you ask her to do. This ends up with her storming off upstairs usually screaming at us. I then feel really guilty cos I don't want her to feel even more alone. If I say I want to talk she says she doesn't want to.

I don't know what to, I want her to have at least one genuine friend. I used to have such a close bond with her but she won't let me in and I'm scared that she will become depressed at some point, if she's not already....

[GooseyLoosey]

Welcome to MN. My children are slightly younger so don't have much to offer by way of advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I can see the potential for a hard shell in my daughter - she appears to shrug everything off but I know that in reality she takes it all to heart. It is very hard to get through to her sometimes and to work out the things that actually hurt her.

Can you arrange things to do together just the 2 of you and create a safe space for her to tell you things if she wants to without pushing?

[Inneedoflove]

Thanks for the reply.

I will try and spend more time with her if I can. I've been teaching her to drive recently and she does actually open up a bit then- I just have to be careful not to pry too much cos she just stops talking.

I find it hard to give her good advice on friendships as I don't have many friends, and have always found it difficult to trust people. I end up telling her not to bother with them if they annoy her- which is something I would do- not very good advice as you end up with no friends at all!

Good luck with your dd Goosey, hormones have a lot to do with it. I think it's about trying to listen without giving your own opinions - which is hard when they're upset - you just want to blame someone.

[IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws]

Would you say that there is definitely something wrong though? I ask because I lot of what you describe sounds like fairly typical teenage stuff. Disclaimer: I don't have teens yet.