Fluppy-help needed please. If not them, ANYONE??

[jollymum]

Just a quickie-read all the threads about teens, mulitply them and that's my kids. 16, 12, 10 and 7. All loud, talk to us like we're shit and think the world owes them a living. I am quite strict but have been ground down to extreme stress and Kalms tablets. Had a lovely week off with littlest two, loads of work got done and within 12 hours of oldest two being home, physical violence, major fights. Am thinking of contacting Social Services, fel really guilty (probably shouldn't) but feel it's our fault, crap parents and all that. Really dislike my two oldest boys and can't face another two of them going through this. It will split me and Dh up and will probably send me over the edge. The amount of violence in our house is scary, 7 year old is really rude. Mentioned Brat Camp and got laughed at. How do they actually physically make them go? Are they dragged out screaming or what? Help please, end of tether and now going to pick up 7 year old who says he hates school, it's boring and when I grounded him from BB last night, swore at me and said he didn't want to go anyway Really feel like could kill oldest two sometimes, screamed at them at weekend and lost my voice. Can't take anymore

[doormat]

jollymum have 2 same age as your eldest 2 and they are pita's
ground them and dont let them out
bar pocket money until they behave etc
be firm on punishments and stick them out
they will know who is boss soon enough

[chenin]

I have 17 and 14 yr old. Agree with doormat, use every possible lever to get them to behave. Eldest is learning to drive and wants me to take her out continuously - I refuse if she plays up. The only advise I can give is, as doormat has said, stick to the punishments WITHOUT FAIL. Never ever give in - tell them how long the grounding will last or what money you are witholding and stick with it in all circumstances. Do not tolerate bad language otherwise the younger ones will copy the older ones. If mine ever swear in the house they get a punishment, plain and simple. They don't swear in the house because they know they will suffer for it.
Hang on in there!

[jollymum]

Thanks, but what happens if you ground them and they just go out?! My oldest told me he's nearly 16 and that I can't ground him any more because "it just doesn't work!" He now wants to go out for his birthday, to the "dogs" and then a curry and has said he's staying ina hotel room bevause he won't be back until about 2! If I say, "No. you're not" he just laughs at me I then did the bit about while you're in my house, rules etc and he mentioned that he could always leave, 'cos at 16 he's legally entitled etc. Is that true I hope so!!!!

Swearing, they all do it and are vile to each other. They wouldn't pi.. on each other sometimes I think. HOWEVER I have just sat down with the two oldest and worked out a computer time schedule with their agreement Let's see how it goesGTG it's no 4's computer time {bloody schedule!!)

[doormat]

jollymum
if yours are anything like mine, they will treat you as a doormat until you start cracking up
I have this attitude sometimes out of mine(your eldest) oh I am gonna go out and there is nothing you can do about
my answer is simple
fine
then do your own washing, cooking ,cleaning, pay for your own way and find your own money to do this, that and the other
they soon start going sheepish when they realise you mean business
helliebean is right, DO NOT GIVE IN WHATSOEVER
set limits and stick to them
and as for the swearing like helliebean I wont tolerate it.
I had to bar mobile calls last week as found 12yo taking the p as he was phoning his gf whilst he was on the loo.
Told him he is for it when bill comes in, as he will be having to go and wash cars for the money he has spent on mobile calls.

[chenin]

good on yer doormat! I like the washing cars bit !! Keep 'em short of money all the time is what I say....
You cannot tolerate swearing - surely, jollymum, if your 12,10 or 7 year old swear at you, you can punish them with a vengeance? It is harder with a 16 year old admittedly, but I would go absolutely beserk if my 14yo swore at me or at anyone - and she knows it. I would ban her from the pc and take her mobile off her and she would never do it again.
Why don't you sit them all down and tell them the new family rules, maybe outlining what punishments they will incur for what ever they do?

[DumbledoresGirl]

Oh God, do you mean they are not all sweet and lovable like Harry Potter?

[doormat]

helliebean am serious

[chenin]

I know you are! Totally agree with it...! My 17yo has been doing part time work since 14 to pay her way. If she abuses anything at home, its extra shifts at the pub for her!! 14yo is about to be sent out to work (up a chimney if necessary!)

[Tortington]

your responsability until they are 18

if they go out and laugh at you becuase " you cant stop me"

lock the fuckin doors

if they dont like your rules - tell them to fuck off

i did - it was amaaaaaaaaazing. suddenly all his mates kicked him out come 2am, and he had to sleep in the shed - freexing cold

oh
oh
oh

and none of his friends mum would cook him tea. it was the odd packet of crisp here and there


like i say to my husband - i say to my 16 year old - "sure ....can always go out..........its getting back in thats the hard bit"



dont shout anymore.


do him a list of chores


a birthday party is he seriously taking the omplete piss - if you do the birthday party - you damn well deserve being treated like shit.


no way can hey have a hormonal rage at me then ask em to pay £190 for a fucking prom suit - kiss my arse fucker kiss my A.R.S.E


love me love my M.O.N.E.Y

IT BUYS FOOD
CLOTHES
PRESSIES
PIZZA HUT
LECTRIC
GAS
DAYS OUT
TELEVISION
CDS

YEAH BABY
LOVE ME LOVE MY MONEY


If not fuck off and get a job. am not stoppin you - oh and btw - want a lift to the homeless section - i'll even pack your bags you ungrateful piece of snot

[chenin]

and thats telling 'em!

[KBear]

custy, I am going to print out your last post and keep it safe for when I need it! Mine are 7 and 4 - all sweet and cute at the moment but who knows what will happen once those hormones kick in!

[jollymum]

Custy, come and be "Super-Custy" at my house, I'll pay you. I've just watched Brat Camp and thought they're not quite that bad. Don't do drugs (?), doing well at school(ish) and can occasionally be civil to each other. Occasional flashes of maturity and then...BAM. Told oldest he can't have a 'ped, can stay out until midnight as it's his birthday and we'll pick him up. Spoke to my ex on phone, his Dad, who just spouts stuff. Talking with Dh tonight, few months ago DS1 "broke" his toe because he kicked a door. Woke the whole house up and made me shaky. Told ex h and he calmly came round the next day and told DS to get ready. One word and I swear to God, ex h came in MY house, got him by the throat laid back on my stairs and scared the shit out of me. He was pounching either side of DS head, missing I hasten to add by an inch, and threatening him not to piss any of us around again. My first instict was to poull him off, I held back and Ds went to school. I then had two minutes before my first class started and it broke me up. I still have flashes of "my baby". I am trying to be calm but he can outsmart me in arguements, relentlessly keeps on, makes me doubt what I have said (I have memory problems) and once even tapped on my door for an hour (I have a lock on the bedroom door) saying if I didn't answer then he was right, I was wrong etc etc and I am proud to say I didn't lamp him one!. He has done two runners and I have walked the streets looking for him. Custy, what if your kid had been attacked, raped or killed during those nights out? I can't let that happen. I have even thought about getting someone to "get" him, just to scare the crap out of him....his last words tonight were that I was immature because I wouldn't discuss anything with him! I had just told him that if he would speak nicely to me, I would!He doesn't get any money from us, he has phone contracts which take up his allowance. He only gets £7 a week and gets money by wheeler dealing. Been selling sweets etc at his posh school, buys stuff on e-bay then sells it on. I have to keep nagging him about posting stuff on to people. He's been blacklisted already once. I know I'm a crap mum too weak sometimes, but it's like been married to a bully, they wear you down and for the sake of the others, I try and keep the arguements down. He's had so much more than the others, through his dad, holidays etc. My littlies have never been abroad and I am ashamed to say that me and Dh (major problems there too, hopefully sorted out) never go out. There is no one I would leave them with, because the two big boys will fight. I remember someone else saying that they had had a tantrum in front of a grandparent, so do mine. We're checking on sugar stuff now, god, why did I mention that? Oldest has been buying sweets for years, awful teeth now, holes etc. Can't check them beforre and after school. Limited sweet stuff here. Told No 2 Ds about sugar mood swings and he's refusing to accept the theroies. He's major clever tested for (borderline Aspergers) and with a vile Kevin temper. I hate my life sometimes and wish I could start again, and just have one. Which one, I can't choose Have tried family talks, start charts, money rewards, grounding, not doing the washing (they don't care) buying nothing except basic foodstuff etc etc-nothing works. Have lost my temper, cried, slapped them, battered them,(not hard because they're bigger than me and laugh at me) told them to leave or I will, cried and cried. Realised how much I say the words "I donb't feel well" all the time because I don't. Caught myself saying it again tonight to littlest, whilst putting him to bed. *, go to bed now please, you're later than usual and Mummy's tired, got a headache. He's 7 and just said, "get a nurofen and a Kalms and you'll feel better"

I am so sad and feel like a shit mum, probably the worst. I read all these new mums' thoughts and feel so sad thinking it might happen to them, I was like that once.

I wanted the Waltons, not the Adams Family

[jollymum]

bump

[saffy202]

Just a thought - if your marriage was in trouble you would be advised to contact Relate - so I see no harm in trying to get some outside help for saving your family. Try your GP, Social Services and ask what services there are in your area.

[fluppy]

Poor you, Jollymum. Sounds like you're having an awful time. Have you considered whether your feelings might be a little more than run-of-the-mill 'feeling down'?

You mentioned that you have memory problems - do you mind me asking about the background to that?

I'm so sorry I can't sit and write properly - I've really got my hands full with chicken pox-ed kids etc., but I'll try to get back to the thread when things settle down.

I doubt there is a single parent of teenagers who hasn't wanted to pull their own hair out at times - I know I have! However, things seem to be particuarly difficult for you, and I think you are quite right in recognising that there needs to be a change. From what I have skim-read here, I think that it may be a good idea to seek some outside help, if only because it can be hard to tackle things on your own when you are so worn down to start with. But for now, try \link{http://www.schools.co.uk/Teenageandpreteenbehaviour.htm\this site}which has some really good advice on how to start thinking around the problem of negotiating with teenagers.

So sorry to rush off.

[rummum]

loved your post custardo... will print it off for when the kids are older...

actually may just send them to you to sort out... and hubby...