Troubled daughter

[Bumblefeet]

Hi All,
I'm a new member with a troubled daughter.
She's 20, and we have always had some kind of tension or issue needing resolving with her.
She went out a week last Tuesday, and basically, we haven't seen her since.
That will be 2 weeks tomorrow.
She texted the first couple of days, but we have had nothing since.

Luckily, we do know where she is, by various means, she is currently residing at the house of a distant relative.

There has been no argument or conflict, she just went.
I believe that she is probably going round telling folk that she can't return home, she does like a drama!
We no longer want her to live here, basically because we believe that she needs to branch out on her own, she clearly doesn't like living with us, doesn't tidy her room, eat with us or communicate with us.
She works part time in a bar, so at least she can have some funds of her own.

This is a very short version of events, but as the events have been going on for so very long, i fear that you would all nod off!

What to do next?
We really don't know, we don't see why we should get in contact, as she clearly doesn't want us to. My sister has asked her to contact me, but she has lied, saying that she has texted me every day, which is clearly not the case.

I am now of the opinion that as she is 20 years old, and an adult, if she chooses to leave the family home, and not contact us, that is her right.
I have made sure that she is safe, well, and still working, and that my obligation stops there, much as i love her.

Any clues?

[mumeeee]

I think you are right if that is what she really wants to do. DD3 is 20 and still lives at home with us. She has some mild learning difficulties. Any way we still have rules. If she is home she has to eat the evening meal with us. We still like us to let us know if she is going out and a rough time she will be back. That applies to me and DH as well we let her know. She doesn't tidy her room but I just leave that to her.

[amillionyears]

As you have made sure she is safe and living with a distant realative and has funds,i would just try and check in with her once or twice a week.
Then have a well earned rest.
Even a holiday if you dont think she might trash your house while you are gone.

[hattifattner]

I would pack up her things, clear out her room and text her that her stuff is ready for collection.

Then clean and redecorate the room (new curtains, new bedding)

Let her go. But invite her to Sunday lunch next week. Be light and cheery and dont fall into the trap of criticising her decision or begging her to come back or feeling sorry for her.

Take her moving out as a fait accompli.

[Bumblefeet]

hattifattner,
That is our thoughts entirely.
I've cleaned her room, and packed her stuff up.

I suppose I posted this as I wanted some kind of reassurance that others go through the same thing, and that we are treating this in the way others would.

I worry about how long she will live with the relative for, it may be a short term thing, and I don't want her on the streets, but neither do we want her living with us any longer.
She bully's her younger brother, and tries to bully me too.
Luckily, I'm made of stubborn stuff, and don't budge.

Light and cheery is a good way to go, kind of treating it like it's no big deal, and planned all along.

I may wait a while longer, to see how the living arrangements pan out.
She doesn't know that we are aware of her movements, but thanks to FB, we are kept up to date.

I must say, we never thought that we would be the parents who would have this kind of relationship with our child, but she has been quite hostile at times if she doesn't get her own way, and very good at the whole manipulation thing, it's been good to have a rest from that!
We are going away in a couple of weeks, but my mum is moving in to take care of the dog, so we are sorted there.

Thanks guys.
xx