Where did we go wrong

[Brisvegasmum]

Please someone tell me it's all quite normal. Our daughter has never wanted for nothing, holidays, money, food,shelter everything. She was wonderful, the perfect girl until he started high school. ok so expected some change but to go from a funny bright helpful girl into an obnoxious sullen argumentative Alien over night aaaarrrgghhh why. She is 15 nearly 16, loud crass, screams and yells like a spoilt brat. We are trying to remain calm but really want to jump on her sometimes as she is tearing the household apart. Anyone else got this problem I need help on how to cope before I lose it completely.

[exoticfruits]

I think that you need to jump on her.
When you say she has wanted for nothing has she always got what she wanted? Is your only? Is she spoilt? Does she do housework? What responsibilities does she have? Wat is she like at school, with others,with friends? Does she have nice friends? How much freedom does she have?
It is difficult to say without answers.
I would sit her down. Say it isn't working. You are not prepared to live with all the aggro.
Tell her first that she needs to find a Saturday job as soon as she is 16yrs so that she has her own money. Give her an allowance and agree what it has to be spent on so that she has to save for things. Agree what she does in the house e.g. Her own ironing.
Make some boundaries about behaviour and don't get drawn into shouting matches. Remain calm, speak as if she is very tedious and tell her that you really can't listen unless she talks quietly and reasonably.

[NewMatic]

Lol at shelter FFs.
Buy the "how to talk so kids will listen" teenage book.
Stop bossing start listening.

[exoticfruits]

Sounds a good book to try. Maybe she feels she was overprotected and controlled to be the 'perfect' girl.

[exoticfruits]

Sit her down and have an I depth discussion about how she feels.

[Brisvegasmum]

Ok. No she is the middle child. I have a younger and an older who didn't give me any hassles through high school. Her friends are lovely and know all the parents too. She has a pt job but still needs for more than she earns. She won't lift a Finger to help in the house as in her words" I didn't ask to be born so why should I help" she is pretty, popular, a dream at everyone else's house, helpful etc. have done all the boundaries and behaviour stuff but still she is the same. I do listen to her I do cuddle her but still unless it will be of benefit to my daughter she won't do anything or speak without yelling and thinking she should have been born into the royal family we are not deserving of her. One minute we are having a laugh next she is storming off and spending the next 24 hrs on Facebook laughing with her mates. I am the most easy going person I know so can't wrap my head around this as she was brought up samE as everyone else if not a little extra special as she was a truly adored baby girl. X

[Brisvegasmum]

Oh bugger when I said shelter I meant always a clean warm roof over her head lol I think shelter sounds pretty primal. But I was thinking of all the folks round the world who have nothing, she has big bedroom everything a girl could want in it, moved from a wonderful area in uk to an even better area in Brisbane Australia where she has a fab network of mates, took her out of private school here to go to the state school all her friends attend, we do bend over backwards for all our kids but the difference is the other two still appreciate what they have why not her! Even a thank you would be nice .

[Brisvegasmum]

I certainly don't boss he around, she's the one who runs the house and lifts her hands to us not the other way round lol

[exoticfruits]

More tricky than I thought then!

[exoticfruits]

Try jumping on her as in 'you didn't ask to be born but since you were you WILL do............'
Maybe it is the middle child thing. Sorry- not very helpful.

[NewMatic]

Yes but listen to her. Recognize her feelings. Loads of parents don't. Underneath the bluster she sounds a bit sad.

[NewMatic]

It's too hard to explain the Htt methods here. Read the book without her seeing. It works really well. I have 3 who have never ever said "I hate you". Must be the book!

[ToothbrushThief]

Teenagers are so hard. You need to balance loving care and recognition of their feelings whilst also still holding a very firm boundary over what is going to be tolerated. It's a really fine balance and different for every child.

I had one teen who was utterly vile - it felt abusive. She ruled the house, shouting screaming and dispensing judgement on her poor parenting and other personal remarks about me. I've never felt so low as when she dismissed me and spoke to me so angrily, personally attacking etc

I did the whole 'listening to her' / 'not bossing but talking' but tbh it gave her the green light to be even more vile.

What did work, was me returning her behaviour and stamping my foot and telling her it was going to stop and stop now in one huge outburst. Her threat was always 'I will live with my Dad'. So I told her to.....

I endured a few days of sullen sulky angry behaviour whilst she waited for me to back down....

Then she sat down and talked. It was then I could lay down boundaries and also offer a loving listening ear. She didn't want to live with her Dad. She was basically getting away with what she could. She does have a lack of control over her emotions and they swing massively. Everyone told me they hurt the person they feel safest with. It's true, but that doesn't mean it's a good thing to let them learn that it's ok.

[toptramp]

Do you think that deep down she misses the UK?

[NewMatic]

One of the Htt methods is saying how you feel. Works v well.

[Brisvegasmum]

I'm hearing you all and it's lovely thank you all for the helpful caring words. She doesnt remember the uk like in a miss it way. We go back every year and family come here in between so she don't miss the family and her real friends are all here. We do talk a lot and then she goes off into one and a few hrs or days later she sends me little notes or comes to me to say sorry, but and it's a big but, directly after her softly soft approach she thens tells me right I'm going to a party at the weekend ok. I'm like ok who's party, where, times etc and then I'm the worst mum in the world for interfering but I explain you know I care where you are etc. I don't think in this day and age knowing where your 15 yr old daughter is, is a bad thing. Anyway I've whined enough. I will find the book on amazon and read it diligently if all still fails I will build my own version of the best exotic marigold hotel in India for mid life crisis parents with teens, learn Hindi then as soon as my angel goes to uni if she does that is It i am off lol x

[cory]

My comfort is that no amount of teenage hormones in dd will ever match my mother's menopause

And we couldn't very well deal with that one by standing around tutting about how spoilt kids got in the privileged 1930s.

So I would go lightly on the "what have we done wrong" thing. Just be calm and brisk and very clear about what she has to do and what you will not under any circumstances accept (in my case, that would be violence, deliberate damage of property and swearing at another person). But try not to react to every sullen look or curled upper lip. Don't compare her with anybody else, don't speculate as to whys and wherefores, just stick to a clam brisk "well, you know that is not allowed" and move on.

[Brisvegasmum]

Thank you Cory, I know about the mum menopause scenarios, thought my mum had bipolar, thankfully I'm not quite there yet, was a young mum. I am a super calm lass I have also decided she is so like her dad, super intelligent, doesn't take fools gladly etc etc but he has never raised so much as his big toe to me or anyone so they lack that similarity. But anyway saying that when she yapped to me today I stopped everything I was doing, looked and listened and was interested in every thing she was saying even laughing at the stuff she watches on utube etc and we had a lovely time. So day in day I will consciously make sure I'm available to listen etc and who knows where we will be in a few months time eh x

[noddyholder]

Teenagers are hard as soon as they really kick off the books mean nothing because as soon as you take one piece of advice and sort it some other shit turns up to tell you you did it wrong. We stayed hard line on some stuff but anything I considered experimenting and finding who he is(I know) I just bit my tongue, the listening thing is ok up to about 14 because after that they grow a film over their ear drums which they shed about 4 years later. Don't get yourself in a tiz about the small things and sometimes these things worked for us
Say you love but don't like and say little for a few days
Saying you are disappointed has more impact than saying you are angry
Don't always be stoic and controlling I was given the advice here to always look impenetrable but sometimes letting ds see how sad we were worked
Sometimes we just said right in car we are going out to cinema/pizza/coffee to clear the air this really works when they are about 15 up as they feel its a grown up approach.
All teh confiscating electricals makes teh house a war zone so was pointless eventually Good luck Ds will be 18 next week and is an angel you will get there!

[Brisvegasmum]

Thanks noddy holder, that's just sound normal advice that's doable. It's very true foe book of advice comes another followed with the contradiction advice so reading up sure won't help. I also know it will end and yes I do look forward to that special day. Cheers x