Playing piggy in the middle with a teenager and step-father!!

[Moomah11]

Hi Im new to Mumsnet and really hoping you can help me with an ongoing problem.
I am a mum of 5 , the youngest is 16 the rest are over 18 and dont live at home.
My 16 year old son has recently made some wrong decisions which has led to him drinking,smoking drugs and to top it off got drunk in town,stole lagers and then got arrested!!! Seems like a night in the cells put the fear of god into him.
He used to have a great relationship with my partner of 5 years but with all the erratic behaviour my partner and son are constantly at loggerheads.
I have always had a good relationship with all my kids, I am very open to all the goings on in their lives and they are honest with me . I have rules and my way of dealing with wrong behaviour. Might not be the right way but hey its worked for my older kids. Trouble is my partner says I let him get away with too much and he was punished as a kid and did him no harm...........its now causing total chaos at home and Im stuck in the middle. Any advise would be greatfully received - should I let my partner dictate my sons punishment or should I carry on going with my gut instinct?????

[mummytime]

Does your partner like? Love? Your son?
He's only been in your life 5 years, so I guess that is all he knows of parenting. What exactly does he suggest for punishing a 16 year old? One who is pretty much an adult, and can leave home if he wants?

[OhChristHasRisenFENTON]

I don't think it would do any of you any good to have your partner 'dictate' your son's punishment however he certainly shouldn't go unpunished for what he's done, - and your partner does have a say in it as much as you are all living under the same roof.

Perhaps you could listen to what he has to say and come to some sort of compromise to include at bit of what you would both do to deal with it.

In my experience teenagers can just as easily say 'you're not my mum/dad - you can't tell me' as a petulant pre-teen and think they have every right to choose their own punishment and punisher

I really do think that if all of you sat down for an adult talk could help (i.e. "this can't continue we need to sort it out"), - it sounds like your son knows he's gone too far but he also needs to know that your family life should not be in chaos because of him and you won't allow it.

[Moomah11]

Thank you both for your help.
We have tried sitting down together and trying to work things out and in all fairness my partner has been extremely tolerant but it always back fires on us.
They once had a good relationship but the older my son has got the further they have drifted apart.
My partner suggested grounded my son over the Easter hols, which was fair enough and I agreed ( also took away Xbox ) but once we both went to work my son walked to town to see his mates , I bought him back and then after loads of hassle he walked out again, its really hard to stop a strong tall 16 year old from walking out.

Maybe my partner is right, I have been too soft on him and I can`t cope much more with the family life we have been leading.

[FallenCaryatid]

What do your other children think?